My body is feeling hot and my throat dry. I can feel the adrenaline pumping through me starting to grow. I have a good amount of work I want to get done before customers arrive on Sunday but I also realise I have to look after myself. Yet again I have put false pressures on myself and stressed myself so today and tomorrow I must relax and let things flow. I need to harness my powers but not let them tip me over the edge. I know I could tip too as I’ve been hypomanic for quite a few weeks now and although that’s normal I was borderline on manic last week but somehow nipped it in the bud. What a strange saying. I guess it comes from when we all had to grow things to survive. The bud being the opening of the flower. It’s also used to describe sex too. Anyway I’m off Facebook again as I know I will start writing crap on there and maybe even start going off on one which is kind of a problem because I get too involved in things that don’t matter and I can look like a dick. Also paranoia kicks in big time and once I’m off on a rant and looking stupid people will think I’m stupid. I don’t want that. I don’t want to look unwell either even though I fear I’m heading that way sooner or latter unless these pills do stave it off andor take the edge off. How funny that I don’t want mania again. I used to enjoy it so much and yet now I fear it. Haha. It goes to show how horrible it was last time and all of the demons it brought up. Nobody could see it either and I guess from the outside it looks like I’m busy, full of energy and attention seeking. The reality was I was seriously unwell and wanted help. Well maybe I didn’t want help. Maybe needed help was more where I was at. I certainly love the energy that it and hypomania bring and how I can achieve so much and learn so much. I need to be able to harness that and not let it destroy me again. I feel like I died and was almost reborn earlier this year. Anyway I have lots to do on this job but am also aware that I cannot make. Myself unwell over it as it is only work and I will be physically unwell too. So for today I am going to be focused and also busy yet not stupidly crazy flying around left right and centre. I need to let the force flow through me. I am indeed a force of nature. At least yesterday when I felt edgy I took myself off to the allotment for 20 minutes to unwind a little bit. I also spoke with a guy at the tile shop about off grid living too. They have 4 acres and will get pigs and sheep again next year. I need to be doing more of that stuff. I need a small holding or farm. To heal the land. Anyway I need to flow not force myself.
