The sad thing is that which goes up must come down. The older I get the more I seem to come down quicker from a high rather than it lasting a long while. I’ve been pushing myself physically and mentally again and it’s taking its toll. I’m beating myself up over my life and my past and countless scenarios that aren’t even real. The black Shuck is chasing me with his teeth dripping with blood. His blood lust is huge and he gets ever closer. He knows he will get a bite of me sooner or later. He knows my self doubts and fears. He chases relentlessly. I told myself I wouldn’t push myself like this again. I told myself I would calm it down. Circles within circles. Cycles within cycles. Every year the highs and lows seem to form a regular pattern. I fight it. I try hard to stop it or slow it but it still creeps up on me. Luckily the last few weeks have been bordering on mania but haven’t quite got there. Maybe it’s the Lamotrigine helping or maybe it happens like this every year until November and December which often seem like a haze of mania and craziness which I don’t see at the time. My mind breaks so easily now it scares me. Others are less aware of it these days too. I wear my mask ever tighter and keep things ever closer to me. I feel like a shadow person living in an alternate dimension or reality that overlaps what would and could be classed as the normal waking world. I am meant for so much more than this. I’m meant for greatness. I need to break these cycles. I need to fear less. I fear my mind breaking because it will affect my family. I don’t fear it from my own perspective because I’ve been there before and it is what it is. It’s already fragmenting into pieces. It’s like a person who has planted lots of explosives and sits back calmly and pushes the detonator while smiling madly to themselves. Madness is insight. Maybe that’s the key. Maybe it must be fully fully embraced. Much like death should be.
