Welll yet again ive been slack at writing in here. I’m pretty high at the minute but not as hind as I have been the last few days. Well let’s go back a few days to Saturday night…..( sifting through the mists of time…..using warp drive to go faster than the speed of light…..back…back we go….)…..ok so Saturday night I drank a good amount of alcohol. I was doing stuff somewhere in the garden or house or something, I can’t rememeber. I’d been up until about 2 am Saturday morning and anyway I was doing stuff. Can’t remember. So it got to be after 11 so I put the boiler on to take a shower, I ended up in floods of tears in the shower, messaged my step daughters some emotional stuff blah blah blah, felt like I wanted to die, got out of the bathroom feeling a tiny bit better but then came down stairs and did something I’ve not done before or for a long while if I ever did. I got out. Craft knife and tried to cut my arm open. It was blunt. So I shoved it in as deep as I could and pulled……a scratch….a fucking scratch. It hardly did anything so I gave up. I thougt oh well fuck it and went to bed but couldn’t sleep so I sat on Facebook talking bollocks until about 4 am when I listened to the dawn chorus. Then I slept until nearly 7:15. Cool. As the day went on I did a few other things that I can’t remember too much before going to my dads house and emptying the final few things out. Dah nah all finished. All empty. Sorted. Time to move on. So Sunday nigt I drank what drink I’d not had on the Saturday night. And so ends this merry little tale or fable or whatever it is. Oh yes I’ve been flat out busy since then and got shit loads done. Sorted.
I’m getting really shit at posting. I’ve been pretty high the last few days. Actually fuck it I’ve been very high. I’ve struggled to relax and to get to sleep. I’ve been agitated. I’ve been edgy as fuck too. Earlier this week I was low and drained then boom, I’m up. Way up. I had a brief nap this afternoon and it’s helped level me a bit but my thoughts are still racing though. I’m always doing countless things all at once. I’m superb. I’m cool. Life’s cool. Today at work I had some very weird surreal Moments and felt like I was loosing control of my consciousness. I almost flaked out a few times too. All is good though. Life is just playing catch up. I’m a monster. A beast. I’m immortal.
I also got lots of stuff sorted at my dads house the last few days. It’s nearly empty now. Superb. It’ll be a huge relief when all is done and dusted. There’s not too much to get shifted now. The scrap man came to clear away lots of metal today. That was this morning. This afternoon I got a bit of a rage so smashed some stuff up. It’s all cool though. It’ll all be alright in the end. If it’s not alright then it’s not the end.
Its Wednesday and I have realised I’ve not written for a few days. I’ve been up and down. I’ve struggled to sleep over the weekend and then ended up completely shattered. I’m feeling worn out. We are still clearing my dads house and have to be finished by Sunday. Almost there but just a final few things to get sorted. I might well take some time off work to get it cleared early so we can have a weekend at home or doing our own things.
I cleared some garden rubbish last night and it felt like a real tonic. I burnt them as they were too big to compost and our shredder isn’t the best. There’s a lesson to be learned there, buy the best you can if its a machine or tool. We are trying to reuse things and recycle or upcycle things. I guess things don’t always go as planned though but that’s ok. That’s life. Lessons learned and progress made. I hope that show the rest of my life goes now. It certainly needs to that’s for sure. I guess the important thing is I’m getting through everything. The grief is lessening now and I ddont have the anger that I had late last week. It’s time to let everything go.
So it’s Friday night and I’m up again. It’s not so late but I’m not at all tired. I’m watching Stephen Fry’s bipolar documentary. I watched it years ago but not from the perspective of someone with bipolar. I didn’t have a clue when I watched it years ago. Anyway it’s good. So much of it is so familiar to me.
I can’t remember how much I’ve written lately but I’m doing ok ish. I had a big rage on yesterday. I’m ok today though. I’ll survive. Life’s good. I’m nuts but that’s life. My keypad looks like it’s liquid and moving but that’s just my mind. Oh well.
Today can piss off. I can’t be bothered with it. I lost it this morning and ended up in a rage like a berserker. I smashed a big plant pot outside and the threw the plant all over the place. I kicked the car. I tried to punch through the glass in the conservatory door but being double glazed it didn’t break. And so on. It wasn’t pretty. My wife was the trigger. I was singing about how I wish her parents were dead and how I’d had enough of her. Grief really has got to me. It started because she assumed I was having a go at her when in fact I was inspired by a story of how a guy has started living off grid and how important every second of every day is. She took it the wrong way. I ended up telling her I don’t want to be stuck with a big mortgage around my neck and always paying bills when we could in fact buy land and build our own house and be mortgage free. She must think off grid living is about living in a tiny shack in the arse end of nowhere. Off grid means off the grids. No electricity to pay no mortgage etc etc. There are various ways of doing it. We could have pv panels and produce our electric. Heat sink heating and solar oven. Hot water from a solar water system and from compost/manure heaps too. Sewage as either composting toilets or even a septic tank system. Sink a bore hole or well for water. The list goes on. Heat the house or too it up with a wood burnerI’m not . So any great ideas that we could harness and use. Things we could incorporate for free. Anyway she seems to be happy plodding along in life. I’m not. I’m not a plodder. I’m driven. I need goals. From how she was talking this morning she would be happy to just plod plod plod. When we first got together she talked about living an Eco lifestyle and traveling the world. It looks like she doesn’t want to do that anymore. We have no spare cash so can’t even have a weekend away. It’s that simple. Our cash is eaten up by surviving. We don’t live we survive. Just. That’s why I want to grow our own food. It’s another part of being off grid and also it’s fun, it’s good to know what you’re eating and it’s grown locally and fresh. Simple. I need to live not just work and die. Anyway I lost it this morning. It’s that simple. I’m in bed and it’s 2:53pm and I ought to be earning money but really can’t be arsed. That’s me now. I’ve realised I’ve thrown my circadian rhthymn right out too. I need to get that back on track. I need to stop drinking alcohol too. I’ve been eating meat again as well. I need to get back fully to a sensible lifestyle. My wife drinks quite a bit too. Several bottles of wine per week. If she opens a bottle it is usually gone in just over an hour.
Once again it’s that time where I question who I actually am. I’m 40 years old and I’m still not fully sure who I am but I’m starting to feel a bit better though. I’m starting to feel a bit superman again rather than a worthless piece of shit who always fucks things up. At least that is good. So who am I? Or what am I? I would love to be someone else for a day and to know and feel things how they do. Someone who is balanced and normal. Just to have normal thoughts, not bad, fast or warped. That would be so strange but I would like to see what it’s like. No black dog. No superman. No blankness at times. I’ll bet it’s boring as fuck though.
Today the housing person comes around to tell us what we are supposed to get cleared at my dads house. That’ll be fun, I doubt. It’ll feel invasive and weird. Very weird. That house represents safety for me. I guess I have to start growing up now and start being fully responsible for my own life. I know I certainly need to get myself better or much more level because the older I get the worse things seem to get. I need to get my money situation in life far better that’s for sure. I need to get moving with getting off grid asap too. Start producing our own electricity etc. We have started growing food on a small scale but need to take it further. It will happen. I am superman.
Once again it’s Monday morning. I’m anxious again but its not as bad as usual. I can’t remember how much I’ve said lately about things or how much I’ve written. I have come to realise that often I write about external things. Well the garden is growing well and we have had a few feeds of lettuce leaves and spinach so far. It’s very therapeutic being out there doing things. Right back to my head again. I’m so all over the place it’s hard to keep a track on what I’ve written, who I’ve spoken to, what I’ve said and if some of my thoughts are just thoughts or if I’ve aid about it. I’ve been going up and down so much lately it’s getting a bit much. I’ve realised that I’m a bit surprised at myself. I drink alcohol again, I eat meat again too. These things I held very dear to me. They were part of what I believed to be the right thing to do and the right way to live and I’ve kind of just thrown them to one side. Last Thursday I phoned the local well being team and left a message because I can’t keep going on like this. I need to talk to them and see if I can’t get some help. I have so much self discipline in most things but it cracks and breaks in others. I very nearly rang the Samaritans because of struggling so much. Life and death seem so mixed up and close at the minute not much seems real. I feel like I’m a bit high on drugs a lot of the time. Kind of a bit fuzzy. I know at times I’m getting obsessions too. Little things. Mostly I handle things ok and that’s good but sometimes a tiny little thing will niggle me too much. It’s so hard to know when it’s happening. I drank last night. I was going to buy fruit wine, then I wasnt, I was going to buy cider then I wasnt. We went to a shop and I told my wife I wouldn’t have any booze. I stayed in the car for about 30 seconds and then went in and bout fruit cider. Ok it’s only a drink but it’s the thought patterns that I struglle with about it. Strange. Oh well I will keep plodding on. For now.
Ok so some thoughts. Life is fucking short so make the most of it as much as possible. Take out enough life insurance to cover your bloody funeral and other outgoings. In fact cover your arse really well with insurance. Haha I’ve just realised that the last one could almost contradict the first. Ok so insure yourself well enough but fucking live too. Stop buying so much crap. You don’t need it. It’s all just clutter. De clutter your lives and your mind. Never be afraid to show your emotions. I hide mine far too much. It kills me inside. I well up inside but outside I look normal. I’m almost breaking and you’d never notice. Maybe I’m breaking right now. Maybe I’m at the start of a breakdown but can’t tell just yet. It could just be grief but my head is fucked up lately. Very fucked up. I’ve been thinking about hurting people or murderous thoughts lately. I’ve had paranoia too. I’ve had thoughts that the hospital killed my dad off and that they do away with people to keep numbers down. I’ve thought that that’s why they admitted him to hospital, so they could finish him off as soon as possible. Ok, we are all just walking meat and are really no different from any other animal. I know we think we are but truthfully we aren’t. We are just a bunch of chemicals reacting inside an organic bunch of cells all slapped together. Life isn’t even real. It’s just a figment of imagination. My imagination. My imagination is a figment of my imagination too. I’m a self created myth. I’m only real while I think I am and even those thoughts are lies. Regardless I intend to try to enjoy this thing called life. I have to because the other option is to check out. To cash my chips in and see what’s on the other side fully. To go into the bardo state of death. To enter the nether realms. To exist in non existence. Anyway non of it is real.
Its Friday evening already and I’m feeling ok today. Yesterday was a shocking day. I hasuch rage all day. I wanted to kill or hurt people. I was livid. I was fuming. Luckily I calmed myself down. I needed to.
Anyway today has been ok. Tonight will be ok. I will be ok. Everyone else can just deal with it. One thing that has flared up today is my hay fever. That can really batter me badly. Anyway I’m sat indoors now as the pollen is high. I’m drinking cider too. My wife bought me a couple of bottles. She bought herself a bottle of wine. Maybe tomorrow I’ll buy a few bottles of wine for myself and get hammered. I feel like it. Anyway for tonight the cider will do.
So tomorrow I needto clear more of my dads house the closer it gets toning c,ear the harder it is. It’s the house I grew up in. It was always my place of safety. It’s where I lived pretty much 3/4 of my life so far. Also what’s hard is it’s the last remnant I have of my dad. Once it’s cleared it’ll be handed back to the council and someone else will move in and life will have to move on. I know my wife doesn’t get it. She has moved several times in her life, even in childhood. Plus her parents a still alive and in their 80’s. My mum died aged 53 and now my dad aged 74. I just don’t think she gets it at all. Oh well. That’s life. So tomorrow will be hard. I’ll go there on my own and start clearing things. Lots of the furniture nobody wants so I will end up having to scrap it or break it up and dispose of it. A whole life in boxs, bags and the rubbish dump, how very sad that is.
Today I’ve had a huge angry rage all day. The end. I’ll live.