Once again it’s Monday morning. I’m anxious again but its not as bad as usual. I can’t remember how much I’ve said lately about things or how much I’ve written. I have come to realise that often I write about external things. Well the garden is growing well and we have had a few feeds of lettuce leaves and spinach so far. It’s very therapeutic being out there doing things. Right back to my head again. I’m so all over the place it’s hard to keep a track on what I’ve written, who I’ve spoken to, what I’ve said and if some of my thoughts are just thoughts or if I’ve aid about it. I’ve been going up and down so much lately it’s getting a bit much. I’ve realised that I’m a bit surprised at myself. I drink alcohol again, I eat meat again too. These things I held very dear to me. They were part of what I believed to be the right thing to do and the right way to live and I’ve kind of just thrown them to one side. Last Thursday I phoned the local well being team and left a message because I can’t keep going on like this. I need to talk to them and see if I can’t get some help. I have so much self discipline in most things but it cracks and breaks in others. I very nearly rang the Samaritans because of struggling so much. Life and death seem so mixed up and close at the minute not much seems real. I feel like I’m a bit high on drugs a lot of the time. Kind of a bit fuzzy. I know at times I’m getting obsessions too. Little things. Mostly I handle things ok and that’s good but sometimes a tiny little thing will niggle me too much. It’s so hard to know when it’s happening. I drank last night. I was going to buy fruit wine, then I wasnt, I was going to buy cider then I wasnt. We went to a shop and I told my wife I wouldn’t have any booze. I stayed in the car for about 30 seconds and then went in and bout fruit cider. Ok it’s only a drink but it’s the thought patterns that I struglle with about it. Strange. Oh well I will keep plodding on. For now.
