I’m sitting here questioning life. Questing lots of parts of my life. Something will give soon. I’m not sure what it will be yet but who knows. My life is like a Led Zeppelin song…Communication Breakdown. What’s the point in trying and trying for so long when it seems futile. There has to be more to life than this shit.
Anxiety hello again. Back to haunt my future before it happens. Thanks. I really need it. I need to escape for a while. Past people crop up and rock the boat. Future people already make me anxious. I need a new life. A new identity. A new address. A new body. A new mind. Some people just do my fucking head in. I’m walking the fine line between sanity and insanity daily yet most would t know it or see it. It must be that time of year again. Silly season. Paranoia is a bastard too. It can fuck off. The elite are screwing us all over yet most don’t care. They live in their little fantasy worlds. We’re killing each other and the planet. Fuck off. Leave me alone. Blah blah blah. Bad dreams still happening. At least superman lives. We need to disintegrate into the primordial soup. Birth again but better. Another planet. Another time. We all need to accept death and go.
The last few night my sleep hasn’t been as good as usual. I’ve had bad dreams. I’ve woken up with back ache. Maybe the Succubi have been after me or perhaps the daemons again. Similar scenarios as usual in my bad dreams. Situations I cannot stop or change. Fighting hard but not making an impact. Bad situations from life that I have had no control over. Anxieties. Even some things I can’t remember. Maybe it’s just that time of year again. The year is waning. It’s dying. The death that is winter is coming. Am I ready for any mental onslaught that often happens this time of the year onwards? I don’t know. I’ll find out soon enough though. I have no choice. Maybe I’ll invoke again. I will fight hard regardless. It is what it is. I see pain everywhere. I feel too much too often. Coldness too. It’s painful.
Tomorrow will be my 16th wedding anniversary. Someone needs to buy my wife a huge medal for putting up with me. I’m not sure I would if I didn’t have to. How time flies. To think she’s not really poisoned me even though I was sure she had several times. I’ve even told her that I knew she had. Such craziness and not even fun crazy. Lots has happened since then. Lives created and born, moving house, illness’ and deaths. So much. It’s mind boggling. I don’t know what the future may hold but I need to try to stay well.
One day it will all be over. One day I won’t have bipolar disorder. I’ll be free of it. I don’t know when that day will come but if I’m pushed to it so be it. Living a hermits life seems the way to control it best. No drinking or drugs. No going out socialising where there’s lots of people. No drawn out interactions with average people. Yet again I’m trying to increase my intelligence. I crave to learn more. I need to learn about things I know nothing of. I will continue. It’s the only way. Nobody crosses me. So be it.
Things are going ok. In fact something good happened today. However I still get paranoid that it’ll go wrong. Why do I think like this still? Things are going well but I think they’ll fuck up. Every time. I’m in a pretty good place mentally so why? I guess it’s default settings in my brain. It’ll take time and work but I will overcome it. I think I’ll end up cutting a few more things and people out of my life to help myself more. There’ll soon only be myself left and I’m my own worst enemy. I’ll win. I know I will.
I won’t carry out a ritual. I have moved past that some time ago when invoking my HGA. Intelligence prevails.
I’m contemplating I might have to do some ritual magick again soon. I don’t contemplate this lightly either. I’ve steered clear for a long while but the need may of arisen already. I’ll sit on it for a while but if I choose to it will be a swift and brutal vengeance upon someone. Maybe I’ll sit back and monitor for now. Tongues that lash will be bound and cut off. If someone tells me something in confidence it stays there. I expect the same in return. However if I tell someone something in confidence and they choose to run their mouth they should expect a swift blow to befall them. It’s not easy having to live with a mh condition let alone to be abused over it. Normally this would all stay within my own mind but it’s said the pen is mightier than the sword. I’d add that Daemons are more powerful than the pen when unleashed.
What are we other than animals really? We often seek spirituality or spiritual connections in our lives. I wonder why? Is it from the past? Something that’s locked into the subconscious brain from when we were hunter gatherers? Do we feel disconnected from something? Also religion comes into it for some. God. What actually is god? Why crave or seek a connection with a possible creator? Is it due to some disconnection from the past? Where are we heading other than death? Will we soon go extinct as a species due to the destruction of our environment? What is death? Why do some seek or crave it yet others fear and try to run from it?
What the actual fuck is it all about?
My head has been too busy lately. Too often I let others get inside. It’s crowded enough with just myself in here. I’ve thought about a way out but I’ll not take that path yet, if ever. Where do I go from here? Stability is a very fine balancing act. I’ve had so much rage and anger inside lately it’s chewed away at me. Maybe it’s part of the reason I’ve been so tired. It all takes its toll on me. I’m hoping to see things more clearly soon. Life can be such a delicate and fine balancing act for me. I’m on Facebook less. It’s better for my brain. I sometimes wish I was dumb or less intelligent if I’m intelligent at all that is. Sometimes it’s so hard to see the good in myself orin the things I do. It will pass. It has to.