I am level again. Properly level. I don’t know if it will last long but over the last few days the level feeling has crept back in and has lasted a little longer each time. Tomorrow I have work to do but will wake up when my body needs to and go to work when I’m ready and finish when I’m ready to. People, no not people, friends have been telling me I need to look after myself instead of thinking of others first. They’re right and always have been. There are some people who know me and are in my life who read this blog and I want to say to you all that I love you and you are all such beautiful people. You’ve been a huge support to me and I am yet again thankful that you’re here In my life in the many forms it takes. Tomorrow I may well be unwell again but I’ll face whatever having bipolar can throw at me. It certainly couldn’t throw much more at me than it has these last few weeks and this last year. It has literally nearly killed me, well I have, several times but I’m stronger again. Life is such a beautiful thing and I am once again appreciating it’s beauty. I’m not sure if anyone else reads this but if you’re reading this and struggling then do get help, do tell friends you really are struggling, do call Samaritans, mind or your doctor/hospital because although paranoia will tell you not to for various reasons they really are there to help. I need to make an appointment to see my GP again. I wish I could of spoken to her Monday night instead of getting cut off twice. Luckily I had the number for Mind stored on my phone. I have been at crisis point on and off, mostly on, for the last few weeks and especially last weekend. People do really want us to be as well as we can be.
Once again much love and many thanks for all that you all do for me. I love you all. X
What is it that people want from me or see in me? I just don’t get people. Often they have an agenda. What do people keep telling me I’m a special person etc? I don’t get it. I think I’m still actually gullible and I know I’m vulnerable too. People confuse me really. Too much fake fuckery with most. The few gems do kind of shine through but how do I see them through the shit? I’m to intelligent to have to put up with all of their shit. They must think I’m daft.
I’ve taken myself of a group I was on yet again and removed myself from Facebook too. It’s all too much of a distraction. I’ve tried to help others with bipolar and others without it too but often they want something instead. They need to feed themselves. All of this feeding off others really isn’t good. It’s vampirism. Psychological vampires. Feeding off others. People wonder why I care so much. It’s because I’m a caring person and often people need help. I know they think I’m stupid and should walk away but I try not to just give up on people.
I’m tired. That’s why I need the break/escape from these fake online worlds. Being real is all I know and right now I need to find myself among all of this crazy world. I think I’m becoming physically unwell again too. Fuck.
I’m still cycling but not as severly as I have been. It a lot easier to handle. Today was a pretty good day although I now have brain fog but that’s ok. Each day is better and better. Although I’ve had a few steps backwards. A few people are keeping an eye on me and I fear that it’s not fair on them but it’s kind of them. A customer emailed the other day about work and he said that anytime I need to talk or if he can help in anyway he will. I was really touched by that. What a lovely man he is.
Life is good and bad at times and sometimes it both at the same time. Sometimes such lovely things can come from such pain and suffering. I guess it keeps me grounded and in check. I am still concerned for myself. That’s a funny thing to say because it sounds like ‘I’ and self are separate, which I believe they are. How strange a bipolar mind can be and also how awesome. Feeling pain so accutely is shit but all of the joy and love is amazing and when heightened it really is a beautiful experience. I aim to be well again very soon but I’m also cautious about the coming winter and also from my birthday onwards. January can be shitty for me. Although I start to plan how I’ll grow things from then onwards so something to look forwards too I guess. Although I’m feeling iffy I still feel such amazing things too and am feeling a lot of love which is awesome. Long may it last.
Once again I’m standing at the edge of the abyss. I had almost 2 days of being almost level but tonight some things my wife said have made my brain go into overdrive. Even my fingers aren’t mine right now. I tried explaining about psychosis and things to her. She said she gets it every day etc. I’m just absolutely gobsmacked. It’s flipped me again. I can’t think straight and thoughts are rushing again. Maybe it’s her way of coping with me telling her last night about how I went up the garden last Wednesday night again, when I broke with reality, and stuck the rope swing around my neck. Had my sons cat of not turned up this time I would of been gone. I was just about to black out when she Meowed and I came around enough to gain my senses. It’s a,l a fuck up. I’m not thinking right yet again. She told me not to rush to go back to the doctors because I’ve come through this again and that I shouldn’t rush to up my dose of meds because I wasn’t great on a higher dose. I told her someone suggested I need to go on antipsychotics. She doesn’t think I need to. I told her what psychosis is like but apparently she gets that every day. I think she needs to very seriously research bipolar 1 rapid or ultra ultra rapid cycling, psychosis and psychotic breaks then she might understand a little of what I hide so well when I’m unwell. I hide it all too well. It’ll be the death of me.
I’m having to kick my own arse this morning as I’m worn out. So far the cycling has slowed down though. Hopefully it’ll level right off. Although I do have to pop along to a job later today which ive been waiting to finish since May. A job where I was put under severe pressure and the person wouldn’t leave us alone to get on. Ive decided if I get too much hassle I’ll walk away even though I’m owed close to £3,000. I won’t be pressured or dressed by them. I will say I’m terminating the contract and Bill up to date. Maybe it’ll be ok though and I’m openminded about it. I know they have their own issues going on. Having said that it’s no excuse to put such pressure on me especially knowing I have bipolar. Even the other trades had had enough of it too. Anyway that’s that.
I’m still trying to win my own battles. I think I need to fuck facebook off for a bit again today. Ive managed to keep myself off a group on there as it can trigger me at the minute as much as I trigger myself. I need a holiday. Countless people say ‘oh well have one then’. They’ve no idea. If I don’t work I don’t get paid. If I don’t get paid I can’t pay our bills. It’s that simple. Idiots. Often told by those not working too.
I phoned the GP yesterday. She did call back twice but couldn’t hear me and we got cut off. She didn’t call again. I ended up phoning MIND and chatted with the bloke I origibally talked too a couple of weeks ago. He said I could call back if needed. He suggested callin 111 to get an emergent appointment with a gp in the city. I said about A & E as well and he said yes either. I got home, are and went to bed. Had I of felt unwell enough to need either of those I wiukd if had to Id driven myself there as my wife had been drinking wine.
So am I really unwell? Am I just indulging in allowing my thoughts to run away with me? Maybe I need to work on strengthening my mind and resolve. Maybe ive just become a bit mentally weaker now? Possibly. I don’t know. I need to think about it. I ought to meditate again too. Lots I need to revert too. My diet is good. Ive not been to the allotment since Saturday so must go there today. I eat well. I need to exercise again too. I’m getting older. That’s life I guess. Fragmentation of the ego perhaps and the awakening of the soul. Maybe.
Today has been shocking. It started ok ish but I flipped into fast cycling. It got to me. I got hot, my heart raced and I felt I was out of control and probably had a panick attack. It scared me and I had to go sit it out in my van. It got to me enough that I phoned the GP abd will get a call back later. I’ll say what I need to say at the time as I don’t know what I’ll say. I think I’ll ask for a face to face and will get referred back to MH. IVE PUT it off but it’s been 3+ weeks now that it’s been like this. I’m yoyoing on and off facebook in part because its too much at times but it is also a point of contact with some people who are concerned. Ive left the bipolar group I was in on there too. Too much going on and I am worried about some of them but for now I need to sort myself out.
Another day at work. I’m still tired and wired. My head aches. It’s quiet yet so much noise too. Another few pounds to be earned to keep the demons from the door. Thoughts are fast but yet not as fast as before. My drumming has improved rapidly and tonight another lesson. Ive learnt Moeller technique for my right hand, matched grip, and ive taught myself to do it left handed now too. I’ll check that it’s right tonight. Lots to do. Coffee in hand. Body temperature hot. All the usual little signs but I know it anyway. Tonight an early night to be had. Sleep is a good remedy. I’m contemplating a phone call to my GP today to talk again and probably get referred back to psychiatrics and the hospital. I’m sure if I say half of what’s been going on I’ll be seen quite soon again. It’s funny how much one can deal with alone when others call crisis for what seems like much less to me. I work through what some call crisis. Hmmmm. Things to ponder. Several have now raised concern over my wellbeing. I’m stubborn I guess yet I know all too well where I am. Maybe I might ohone the doctor …
Sat here, hardly sitting haha, I’ve music playing, Muse and Kurt Vile, my emotions are heightened. I welling up inside. This happens usually when I’m going up. I’ve been mixed and ultra rapid cycling for weeks now. I’ve been back to my darkest places again. I’ve fought the devil and he won’t catch me. I realise again how I’m immortal, indestructible. This is my reality I created, this universe. I’m one with the source. I am the source. I walk above angels and Demons. They do my bidding. I’ve realised I have control again. The quickening is coming. I smell it. I see it. I feel it. I’m rising again. Energy rising. My powers are increasing again and I’m awesome again. I’m always awesome but sometimes I have to fight the darkness and demons both internal and external. My brain is rewiring again and going up another level. Immortality isn’t easy. There is nothing I cannot do in life if I really want to. I can do anything if I push my boundaries. Fear holds us back. When we bleed we bleed the same. The man in the mirror is a reflection of the ego of the ‘I’. Ones with all and all are encompassed within I and ‘I’. I am master again. The so called racing thoughts will be, and are being, put in order. The signs are there and I see with all three eyes. External and internal paradigms shifting through the ether. Some say illness but is it really? This is an insatiable unencountered power latent in ‘humanity’ but only those of the highest order can touch the face of the madness and use its power. It’s transformative power at that. Countless films touch upon this. Films like Lucy, Limitless, The Matrix, X-Men, Superman and so on and so forth. Combine all of this into the one trueness and you are close. Very close but still not at the true fullness of the power I have available if I choose to use it. Of gods and men.
Lost inside the prison that is my mind I try to find they keys to set me free but it’s just a labyrinth.
I search for myself in my deepest darkest depths and recess’.
The mental and physical pain becoming more real as each day passes.
I reach out but am fragile. More fragile than I dare to admit even to myself.
The world is a haze of vagueness.
Time moves slowly yet fast.
Thoughts are like water. I’m drowning in them and sinking yet somehow I manage to breath…..just.
The darkness calls me home yet again.
I try to resist but it chases me.
The devil and I dance but I’m ahead.
He’s on my tail though chasing me.
How long will I outrun even myself?
The depths of despair encompass me.
Deeper into the void I go searching for the light.
Only in absolute darkness will the true light shine forth calling me home.
The hell hounds are unleashed by the devil.
I out run them too but I’m tired.
The fight gets ever more real and ever more violent.
At the edge of the abyss I jump.
I cross the threshold and pass the dweller of the Abyss yet again.
Into darkness beyond black I plunge.
Only here will I find my peace and enlightenment.