I think I have to face the fact that no matter how hard I work I will always be in debt. I had plans laid out at the end of last year to be well ahead by now yet it’s the opposite. I’m not ahead. I’m £6 off the limit of my £10k business overdraft. It’s not the first time it’s been like this and I know I’ll claw my way back again and get money in but it’s endless. It’s constant. No matter how hard or long I work something always comes along that costs me money just as things look better. It’s not my attitude to things as I always keep going and pushing. I always try to keep smiling and try to outwardly just be what others think they see. Inside it’s often a different story. The whole idea of wurking hard gets you ahead is bollocks. It’s a rigged system. It’s rigged to keep poor people poor, to keep those who are just about comfortably off in debt enough to keep pushing but mostly it’s about making the rich even richer. It’s rigged that way. With as hard as you want but you’ll still get had somewhere. Regardless I’ll keep going and keep pushing. I have no other choice. I’ll die young from some illness brought on by stress and debt. People will say I worked hard or too hard. They’ll say this and that. They’ll project their owns fears outwards. The truth is most of us are over our heads but we fool ourselves into thinking, or saying, that we’re better off than this or that person. We do it to keep ourselves sane/insane and to keep going instead of folding and realising the truth. It all sucks donkeys. Fuck it all is what I say.
Today has started wet. It will dry out around mid day. I’ve 2 inside jobs I could of gone too but instead I decided to be very sensible, instead of just chasing the wage, and take a few hours out. I’ve been unwell with a nasty stomach virus and having got over it I’ve been back to work and it’s been hot. Far too often I get caught up in just working lots trying to get head with money. It’s quite crazy to do this as it can be very detrimental to my health in all respects and I end up getting unwell mentally and or physically. As I get older I’m noting it more and acting upon it sooner. By doing this I can stop it lasting so long and with mental unwellness it can often stop what could be the start of a big episode. It’s taken a long while to get to this stage of being able to recognise these things early enough. Often these things can creep up on me. What I have noticed is when they start to I don’t double question the little things, as that in itself can start them, very much these days. I’ve found that using logic where possible helps this enormously.
I’ve noticed that most of the time my year seems to go in a circle but with each passing year I can tweak it and ease the bad bits out. Yet again I’m almost up to the hilt of my £10k business overdraft, I’ve £6 available, towards the end of August. This happens most years and last year was no exception. The end of December last year saw the business account with just under £10k in it. That’s a huge turnaround and I’ve noticed my thinking has again switched to business and getting ahead with money, as it usually does this time of year. This year however I’m not only going to replicate it I’m going to keep onto that money instead of it dissipating. What I won’t do however is half kill myself doing it. That only leads to a crash in mental and physical energy for the first few months of the new year. I will formulate a plan to take more short breaks from work to refresh myself. Earlier this year Fynn and I did fish a lot and it made a huge difference although it did cut into my bank balance. You can’t buy those memories though and it’s worth it.
Life is a strange thing. It feels like it goes in circles. Yet again I’m penniless. It’s always this time of year. It always affects my mind badly and can cause untold stress. I’m off Facebook yet again, often this time of year I come off, and I’m having less contact with friends. In fact I have very little contact with friends these days. Some friends I’d love to hear from but I don’t. I even wonder if one friend has blocked me but hey ho. That’s life I guess. Maybe they’ll make contact when they’re ready. Who knows. I often miss chatting.
Work is busy as always and I need to really get motivated and get major money in yet again. It’ll happen. I always make it happen. I have a way of digging deep when I need to and a way of getting what I want when I focus on it.
Fynn and I haven’t fished much lately as there aren’t many fish about and there’s been too much seaweed close in. The last decent fish I caught was the Tope which is a shark. Instead of fishing we are doing distance casting in a field and we’ve done a few tournaments already. It’s a very strange sport that’s for sure. At least it’s giving me some focus outside of work. On the whole I’m OK but I’m still getting blips. Hey ho. That’s life.
The past week or more has seen my mind speed up, paranoia start and rational thinking go out of the window. I have not fought with it as often that makes it worse. It is easing now. My sleep needs to get back on track, although this time of year I need a bit less anyway and it’s extremely hot too and it has been for the past month or two. This morning I can see clearly again and my thinking is more rational and slower. I’ve even managed to meditate and read for a while. I am once again writing down goals in my little book. Life is like a year and a year is like life. We go through spring, summer, Autumn and winter. Spring in life and the year sees life springing forwards and growth even though it starts slow. The planning for life and the year ahead gets underway. Summer is the time of long balmy days and a relaxed attitude usually. It’s a time when we feel there’s so much time left to do so many things. We socialise, we feel alive and feel that nothing can stop us. Autumn is the time when things gently, at first, allow down. The energy starts to subtly subside. We start reflecting on the past months and life albeit with rose tinted g,asses and still planning for the year and life ahead. We have amazing focus. It’s the time to start to reap the harvest and the rewards of work Putin earlier in the year and life. Winter is the time of contraction and connection. We connect with the most important elements of ourselves as daylight reaches its shortest levels just as in life we feel that time moves faster. Being older and wiser gives us opportunity to reflect more and also time to slow things down that can often seem to just happen to us. We can taken step back and look deeper into things. We can adjust things more finely. The most important things in life tend to shine through. The bullshit often stops, if we let it, and we filter things better as we are wiser.
It’s good to be able to mentally step back and look at things with different eyes.