I’m a bit tired today. The tiredness has made my mind wander slightly but I’m trying to relax about it rather than get caught up in it again. I’ve noticed imdasjing in and out of Facebook today. I am still sticking to my ‘no Facebook before 8am’ rule however. Being conscious that I’m in and out is good. As soon as I’ve realised that I’m on there I come straight off and am not commenting very much.
I’m now making videos of fishing and food growing which I’m putting on YouTube. I think that’s quite good, productive and positive. It’s given me some focus but it’s also a slight record of what I’m doing with plants and growing food as well as Fynn and I fishing. All good.
Keeping relaxed yet focused is hard today but I’ll be ok.
I feel that I’m at my most well since the tail end of 2011 and I’m starting see light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve accepted that I will invariably get unwell again. Fighting it makes it worse. Acceptance is the only way forwards.
I had my third session with the psychologist yesterday. It’s good so far. It’s brought up some anger among other things. It’s so very strange how we perceive ourselves and what we believe we are or what is part of us. We can change. It is possible. I’ve been questioning my thinking and thought patterns and it’s helped immensely. It’s helping me to stop thinking certain ways and also to work out why I think in those ways. It’s made me realise how unwell I’ve been and also how I didn’t want to let go of that unwellness. It’s addictive yet very destructive. I honestly thought I needed it. I really don’t. I’m setting myself targets and goals. I’m stopping myself just blowing money on foolish things and on ‘I want’ items. I’m becoming myself again. Acceptance is the way forwards coupled with avoiding people or situations that could or do trigger me. It’s my responsibility to help myself and to keep myself as well as I can. As I’ve said I know I will get unwell again but I have to realise that help is available and it’s ok to ask and accept it. I’m stronger than I think I am yet weaker in other ways. I guess I’m starting to feel grounded again, which can only be a good thing.