I’m tired of everything. It can all fuck off. I’m tired of a sexless marriage. It’s cold. I’m tired of the coldness. I don’t think I can keep living like this. I’m 44. I’m not 94. I don’t think I can survive it any more. It’s time to reassess my life fully. The house is a shit hole. The garden is a shit hole. The boiler has been broken almost 2 1/2 years. I’m pretty much the sole earner now and I can’t jeep it going or together. I’m sick and tired of working my arse off for absolutely fuck all other than tax’s and bills. There’s never anything left. In fact it’s the opposite. I get more debt. I’m the one who has toshoulder it all. Always. Fuck it all. Oh and it’s 11 years ago since my mum died today. She was 53 if I die at that age I’ve not got long left. Maybe time to start thinking about living properly not in a cold shouldered relationship. Who knows.
Last Tuesday I had a doctors appointment for a med review. We chatted a few things through and talked about dosages etc. We’ve decided that I’ll lower my dose by half. So now I’m only on 50mg of lamotrigine. It’s a tiny amount. The idea is that I’ll stick with it a few months and in maybe 6 months I’ll try coming off completely, unless I’ve had to up my dose again. It’ll have some roughness with it, which I’ve noticed a bit already, due to the change in chemistry in my brain. I’m happy to come off if I can keep reasonably stable. All ok so far bar minor blips but that’s ok.
Work is busy and itslooking like a busy year ahead with a few possible changes involved too. However at the moment money is beyond tight. I’ve had to set up a payment plan with HMRC as I’ve not been able to pay my tax and it was over due. Luckily they took onboard my reasons. Having the operation cancelled and then actually having it a month away from Christmas has seriously thrown things into disarray. I also had to put off Decembers mortgage payment. I now have to top up payments over the next 3 months. It’s tight but I think I’ll be ok. I’m trying not to stress but it’s tight. It’s possible that this blog might have to disappear as it’s up for renewal on 11th. I’ll try finding a way of sorting it so it doesn’t go but if it does I hope I’ll be able to bring it back online. If not I wish you all well.