Anxiety has woken me up again. Its been a while but it’s come to say hello. I need some answers in life. I need to earn more money and kneed more work to come in. I feel like I’m at the edge of loosing what we have. I’ve been here before and recovered from it. I’m almost at the hilt with my business overdraft. It’s sickening. I got too complacent as someone had pencilled me in for a lot of work and I had priced it only to not hear a single thing back. As I had it pencilled in its left a hole in my diary. I couldn’t fill it with work properly and now money is an issue yet again. So now anxiety has come along to fuck with me. Some other stuff has gone on too which has taken the safety net that I did have away. All I can do is put the mask back on and try to keep going. I don’t know how I’m even going to keep our house warm this winter. I guess I have to trust that something will come along and will be of help.
I’m still seeing the psychologist every fortnight and she has told me several times that I’m in the high risk bracket for suicide. She’s also said a few times about complex PTSD too. It would seem that every time she thinks she kind of knows me I somehow throw something out that hits her or shocks her. Such is life.
After a few weeks sinking into depression I’m back. I’m fucking awesome. I’m an unstoppable machine. Superman returns. Latitude was superb and just what I needed. I wasn’t sure I was going until not long before we left. Had I not of gone I might well of tried to kill myself because that’s where my mood was at and I had been quietly contemplating life and death.
I can’t carry on living like this
I’m feeling like an egg sitting over a precipice. Will I stay on the edge and stable or will I fall over down into the abyss and crack. So much is and has been going on in life yet I feel calm about it and thats what worries me a bit. Often when it’s all calm and I feel like I’m handling things is when I’m getting built up inside. There’s a level of surealness in life at the moment. It’s not disconnection. I am however questioning who and what I am and what life is about for me. What does life hold for me? I keep pushing forwards but things keep coming up and hitting me one thing after another. It’s like wading through thick mud and shit. It never seems any easier. I keep plodding along hoping it will end soon and things will be ok. Every time I make plans or plan ahead something or someone scuppers them. Work is just about ticking along but I expected to be flat out busy right now. A couple of things haven’t gone to plan and it’s left me hanging a bit. I’d pencilled a job in which should take a couple of months but am left hanging now as I’ve not heard anything back even though I was told I would by now. I’m wary of taking too much more on incase I then get the go ahead and end up too busy to cope properly. I think I’ll just have to keep taking things on and keep going. I know in the past work has always been forthcoming. It’s tricky because my plans are disrupted and right now I need the stability. The knock to my confidence and plans has caught me out a little and I’m now questioning how much I charge yet I’m probably not making or charging what I should be and maybe only what I was making maybe 7-8 years ago now. It’s head fuck. A knock makes me cut my bills back or get behind on bills and that knocks me back further. The safety net Isis have is now gone too due to another situation in life. It’s scary right now. So much going on and planned but now no money todo it and no way to back out.