I’m feeling like an egg sitting over a precipice. Will I stay on the edge and stable or will I fall over down into the abyss and crack. So much is and has been going on in life yet I feel calm about it and thats what worries me a bit. Often when it’s all calm and I feel like I’m handling things is when I’m getting built up inside. There’s a level of surealness in life at the moment. It’s not disconnection. I am however questioning who and what I am and what life is about for me. What does life hold for me? I keep pushing forwards but things keep coming up and hitting me one thing after another. It’s like wading through thick mud and shit. It never seems any easier. I keep plodding along hoping it will end soon and things will be ok. Every time I make plans or plan ahead something or someone scuppers them. Work is just about ticking along but I expected to be flat out busy right now. A couple of things haven’t gone to plan and it’s left me hanging a bit. I’d pencilled a job in which should take a couple of months but am left hanging now as I’ve not heard anything back even though I was told I would by now. I’m wary of taking too much more on incase I then get the go ahead and end up too busy to cope properly. I think I’ll just have to keep taking things on and keep going. I know in the past work has always been forthcoming. It’s tricky because my plans are disrupted and right now I need the stability. The knock to my confidence and plans has caught me out a little and I’m now questioning how much I charge yet I’m probably not making or charging what I should be and maybe only what I was making maybe 7-8 years ago now. It’s head fuck. A knock makes me cut my bills back or get behind on bills and that knocks me back further. The safety net Isis have is now gone too due to another situation in life. It’s scary right now. So much going on and planned but now no money todo it and no way to back out.
