I’m in London and it’s Saturday already blimey. The days pass quickly. The weeks and months too. Tomorrow is March. The year is waxing fast. As is the moon. I’m feeling good and that’s good.
It’s Friday. I’m feeling lots better than yesterday. I’m wary that I’m going up instead of down now but I’ll level it off later. I may have a cup of coffee
I woke early this morning but managed to doze again until I got up. I’m slightly anxious yet again and I’ve noticed my ears are ringing and I’m warmer than usual. I’m slightly tense too. Oh dear. Usually it means a change for my mood. Often it means going high. I hope I just level off. I now realise that I’m slightly anxious about the weekend ahead. I’m taking my children with me to my stepdaughters in London. I’m not sure why I’m getting anxious but I guess there’s been changes in my routine slightly and the stress last weekend. I feel like I’m not a full human being anymore. How can one incident mess most of a week up for me? Years ago I’d of gotten over it in minutes or maybe a few hours. Why can’t I shrug things off anymore? They continue to affect me. I’m now starting to have serious fears as to how I run my business and how long I can continue with the stress’ that running it entail. I thought I was getting much much better. I’m really not so sure now. I’d hoped my wife would be working with me today but she wants to go in to her other job. That’s ok I understand. It’s funny but I realised that I have enjoyed her helping me and I’ve realised that I even put on a front when she was working with me. A confident front. I’d say she helped me be more confident. Often I feel like I’m broken and don’t know where all my pieces are.
We need to organise getting this car that’s been given to us sorted out and mot’d. I think my wife is annoyed that I’ve not managed to do it. I’ve struggled to organise it that’s for sure. The thing is that because I’ve been in a good place for the last few months I’ve been able to cope to a good degree and that means I’ve taken on all my old responsibilities. It feels like it’s all crashing down again now though and I can’t handle things. I’m hiding from them. I have made several attempts to get the car sorted but I think I need to give up and let my wife organise it. It’s a small thing but it’s hard to admit it’s all part of a bigger picture and that I’m not coping. I think I need some mental time out and that’s hard to admit. I’m even thinking of not going to work today. I doubt that will happen though. I’ll go in and plod on like I always do. Good old reliable Darren doing what he always does. If a UFO landed in my garden right now I’d be very tempted to go and take a ride. Maybe it’s also in part because friday last week was the anniversary of my mums death that things are building up and have built up.
My stepdaughter is moving house soon and I might offer to help decorate. Work is busy but I know I’d get satisfaction from helping her and her partner out if they need it. I know they need help to move too.
I’m back on a forum that I’ve not been on for about four months now. I’m not sure why I’ve gone back on. Maybe it’s the state of mind I find myself in.
Life hey. How absurd. I need to go get locked away somewhere for a break haha.
It’s evening now and I’m back to feeling ok. Today has been a day and a year in a day. It is ending well though so that’s good. It’s been shitty though mostly. I’m relaxed or certainly more relaxed than I was earlier. Phew.
Today isn’t a good day. I’m not feeling well mentaly. I’ve not got my van today but if I did have it I’d of gone home to bed. I’ve layed down on the sofa here instead and slept for about 45 minutes. I might sleep again soon. In my mind I should have this job finished by now and I’m behind on other plans I’ve made. I feel like everything is slipping away. I feel weak. The situation at the weekend has weakened me too. I didn’t even defend my son. I should of. I must not ever let it happen again. I’d die for my family. I only fear the trouble that will be caused of I do defend them. Better to defend than be a coward.
My head isn’t in a good place and it’s really fucking me off because I should be able to control my moods and my thoughts. It’s a basic thing. I should be able to do it.
I’m tired of my life being an act. I can’t keep it going much longer. I’m not that good an actor. Maybe the world is fake too so I’ll get by. I always seem to. What a fucking hole to be in. A shitty hole.
I’ve realised how I torture myself mentally. I do it lots. I think I start to do it more when high or mixed so that I realise my mental state. Maybe that’s not why but I do it nonetheless I do it. The pain and torture all gets too much too. I drag up past pain and hurts. I analyse again and again and again. It feeds my anxiety too, but when I realise I’m doing it and stop then that’s when I feel like I awaken. I actualy become different. The cloud lifts or the fog clears. I know that it could be similar for depression. Maybe it’s actually the same. Fully the same. I’d say often I’m mixed lately. Well anyway I’m feeling like I’m coming out of it somehow and my drive is coming back.
I’m quite concious of how I use social media too and how it indicates my mental state too. I become a facebook addict when in a bad place of headed for a slip. I use Twitter when I’m recovering. Facebook is deactivated at the minute and I’m occasionaly on Twitter. I also noticed how much they take over because briefly last night I tried to not be online but actualy struggled to stay off.
I’ve realised the pain I cause myself and how it upsets others too. It has to stop or ease. It can’t go on.
Are we all out for ourselves at heart really? What is the greater good? I’m back to questioning life again. I always come back to it. What really drives us as humans? I think mostly it’s greed. Even if we don’t think it is. I’m working away so that one day I can retire and so that I have things to leave my kids. Surely that’s greed. It’s always justified by doing the right thing for my family but at its heart its just greed really. Often it’s ego too. I’m pretty driven by ego. We all are. It’s too crazy and it’s too much. Profits too. Always driven by profits. How utterly foolish is that. This world needs a huge kick up the pants. We should be mapping out inner and outer universes but I stead we are driven by greed and profits. It’s sad. Oh well I guess it’s part of being on this ride. Well until it’s time to jump off. My heart isn’t fed properly by all of this. Not by a long shot. It’s not even a snack.
Well today is Tuesday once again. Another day of work. I need to regroup my focus because I have plans but the sad thing is that the plans I have are driven by money. What I mean is that I need money to make them work. I need to keep my focus. I’m still yet to draw out my plans properly into bite size pieces. That’s something I must get on with.
Monday morning has rolled around again and I woke early and got up early. As usual anxiety has woken me in part. As I lay in bed earlier I’ve realised I’ve had a mixed mini high for at least 2 or more weeks and as usual a lot of that time seems a bit blurry, kind of like I’d stayed up late and watched a film whilst extremely tired and although I know I’ve lived through it it’s all a bit blurry. I hate it when I’m not noticing it because I’ve spent the last year trying to notice the triggers and warning signs and to be prepared but still it sneaks up on me. I should of known because of starting to live on facebook again, which I’ve deleted, and getting too involved in being online. I’m glad I’ve deleted my account or ‘deactivated’ it. It all gets too much. I get too involved in other people’s lives. I need to become a hermit. To retreat into myself again. I’ve lost track of some of my goals already, although I can see where and can maybe find my way back on my path again. Why don’t I see the warning signs? Also I think they crept in differently this time because there was no ‘orange flag’ warning from my wife either. I think she has to put up with too much most of the time from me let alone dealing with the kids etc. Having just realised all of this I’ve also realised how I manage normal everyday life while it’s ongoing. I mean I’ve even arranged changing our mortgage and consolidating debts while away with the fairies. Well done me I say! I’d be fucking awesome if I were fully in control ALL of the time.
Yesterday we had a family lunch. I say family lunch but what I mean is lunch with my wife’s family. It was the usual kind of thing. My mother in law got frantic about doing all the cooking. Which she always does. My kids felt edgy because they feel they have to comply a fair amount to things. My son really struggles with the whole ridgity of the situation. So usually he starts to wind his sister up. He’s 11, shes 9. Anyway after we had eaten my son was bored and awkward to be honest and he had carried on being a bit tricky. I’d been playing a game of Chinese chequers with my wife and near the end of one of the games we noticed one of her counters missing. He laughed because he had sneaked it off the board while we were playing right in front of us. So that leads me to the next ‘situation’. A situation that can happen at times. One that involves my father in law and even before this I’m already feeling angry all over again! Well my father in law started playing the game with my wife and my son interfered a bit with their game. My wife was dealing with it when my father in law aggressively grabbed my son by the wrist, yanked at him, threatened to hit him and had actualy made a fist with his other hand. He told him if he interfered with the game again he would hit him and he would do it even if my wife wouldn’t like it. I sat there close by and I don’t know how I sat still and bit my tongue but I nearly, and SHOULD of, got up and interveined and said something. My heart was pounding and I was so angry I was physically shaking. I know that it’s been years since I’ve been that angry and I know that had he not of been 80 and it not of been a family situation things would of been VERY different. It’s not the first time he’s threatened him either it’s happened a few times. In the past when my son was about 5 and we were staying in a caravan my father in law called by and there was a situation and he threatened to kick my son. To say I’m not happy is an understatement. He and my mother in law divorced years ago and the last two nights he has stayed at ours but in all honesty I don’t want him here. He can fuck off. My wife doesn’t like it either but she’s affraid to talk to him about things. I have told her if it happens again I won’t hold back and I will put him in his place family get together or not. My wife nearly interveined yesterday but didn’t want to cause a scene either. Well next time, if there is one, he will get told in no uncertain terms ‘ you won’t hit him and if you do you’ll be in serious trouble!’ Just thinking about it all has made my blood boil. I’ll not pussy foot around any longer. I’ll defend my kids.
Right I better go and get today started.
I’ve not got much to write today. Well not yet anyway. I’ve deleted my facebook yet again. It’s for the best. It’s funny how I’d gotten hooked again after only a week and a bit. After deactivating it had to think of what to do. How mad is that I had been on so much that I had to try to think of things to do. I’ll bet facebook etc are the cause of lots of relationship problems. I know I’ve wasted too much time on there. Quite often my wife and I hardly talk because of it. She also goes on there too. It’s sad when you’re sat in the same room or house but communicate in part by social media. I’d realised it had gotten out of hand when I found something funny but laughed internally not externally. We will all end up mindless clones. Maybe it’s taking over our minds already. Maybe in a few years there will be groups called things like ‘facebook anonymous’ and there will be clinics to help the withdrawal symptoms and depression or vacuum left by social media cold turkey. I’d say it’s become an epidemic of huge proportions. A huge addiction. Maybe I should log back in to Facebook to post about it all haha. I think not.
It’s Saturday afternoon already. What fun. Life’s good. I’ve been tired a fair bit lately. I had a snooze this afternoon.
Yesterday was the 7th anniversary of the death of my mother. I’m pretty sure it’s a trigger too. Especially the lead up towards it. It falls only a couple of weeks after my children’s birthdays too so it’s a tricky time of year in both respects. There’s a good word. Respect. What does it really mean? Does it have its roots in fear? I mean often those that are respected really are feared aren’t they? Or if we respect someone in a good way isn’t that admiration? Words amaze me. Words like ‘amaze’ are amazing. A maze is somewhere to get lost in or try to figure out a path out of or into the centre. To be in amazement can also be taken as being in wonder. Ah words. Anyway so yesterday. Yes. Yesterday was the anniversary of my mums death. Always a tricky day for me and a tricky time of the year. Life goes on. It has to. Otherwise it would be over I guess.