I woke early this morning but managed to doze again until I got up. I’m slightly anxious yet again and I’ve noticed my ears are ringing and I’m warmer than usual. I’m slightly tense too. Oh dear. Usually it means a change for my mood. Often it means going high. I hope I just level off. I now realise that I’m slightly anxious about the weekend ahead. I’m taking my children with me to my stepdaughters in London. I’m not sure why I’m getting anxious but I guess there’s been changes in my routine slightly and the stress last weekend. I feel like I’m not a full human being anymore. How can one incident mess most of a week up for me? Years ago I’d of gotten over it in minutes or maybe a few hours. Why can’t I shrug things off anymore? They continue to affect me. I’m now starting to have serious fears as to how I run my business and how long I can continue with the stress’ that running it entail. I thought I was getting much much better. I’m really not so sure now. I’d hoped my wife would be working with me today but she wants to go in to her other job. That’s ok I understand. It’s funny but I realised that I have enjoyed her helping me and I’ve realised that I even put on a front when she was working with me. A confident front. I’d say she helped me be more confident. Often I feel like I’m broken and don’t know where all my pieces are.
We need to organise getting this car that’s been given to us sorted out and mot’d. I think my wife is annoyed that I’ve not managed to do it. I’ve struggled to organise it that’s for sure. The thing is that because I’ve been in a good place for the last few months I’ve been able to cope to a good degree and that means I’ve taken on all my old responsibilities. It feels like it’s all crashing down again now though and I can’t handle things. I’m hiding from them. I have made several attempts to get the car sorted but I think I need to give up and let my wife organise it. It’s a small thing but it’s hard to admit it’s all part of a bigger picture and that I’m not coping. I think I need some mental time out and that’s hard to admit. I’m even thinking of not going to work today. I doubt that will happen though. I’ll go in and plod on like I always do. Good old reliable Darren doing what he always does. If a UFO landed in my garden right now I’d be very tempted to go and take a ride. Maybe it’s also in part because friday last week was the anniversary of my mums death that things are building up and have built up.
My stepdaughter is moving house soon and I might offer to help decorate. Work is busy but I know I’d get satisfaction from helping her and her partner out if they need it. I know they need help to move too.
I’m back on a forum that I’ve not been on for about four months now. I’m not sure why I’ve gone back on. Maybe it’s the state of mind I find myself in.
Life hey. How absurd. I need to go get locked away somewhere for a break haha.
