I have to face up to the fact that I’ve been high or mixed for at least two months now. I’ve rapid cycled lately lots too. A friend made a point of telling me to stop posting on Facebook because of the rapid cycling. She understands it only too well herself. Ivebeen over working and too wired. I have been way out of my normal sleep patterns. Way way out. The latest I have To bed was 5:50am and I didn’t go straight to sleep. I keep telling myself I need to go back to the doctors but put it off through either getting on. High gain or paranoia. I have been physically unwell and should of gone for that too. Lately I’ve been having very dark destructive thoughts and have been fighting my way out so hard. I have to face the fact that I am a twat and at times not a very nice person at all. In all honesty I couldn’t live with myself if I were someone else. I know I couldn’t. That’s hard to admit. I have had too much paranoia lately and some strange psychosis too. Most has passed but I feel like shutting down and going into self retreat. I don’t know what mood I will be in tomorrow. I don’t post on here enough. Yet another thing that slips by. At the minute I can’t read or meditate and I’ve been like this for a few months. I have no interest in anything much really. I seem to lack motivation and direction too. I sincerely hope they come back and soon. I am shattered. Worn out. And tired. Tired of everything and all of life’s constant battles. I have no close friends. I have nobody I can talk to properly either. My walls are built high and my mask is almost fully glued on. My life isn’t real any more. I just exist or at least I think that’s what it is. I feel no emotion any more.
I should of been writing lately but haven’t been. Ive been high and mixed lately. I still am. I should get this stuff down. What I’m writing isn’t easy. What I’m about to write I mean.
My reality tonight on my drive home was full blown out of body. Completely altered reality. Detachment is the word I guess. It’s worried me. Ive not been getting good sleep lately and I would say ive worked far too hard for far too long. Far too up and down and mixed. Anyway back to it. On my way home me reality hazed over. It was out of body. It was like tripping. Thoughts flashed in and out. Possibly voices too. The little people were after me. They were watching me and my thoughts. I was aware of the altered reality too. I couldn’t control it though. I felt like driving into an oncoming tractor. I had thoughts of stopping at the woods too. I’ll not say more about those dark thoughts. They’ve passed but it was a borderline Feeling. I came home, practiced drumming and have since been in bed asleep. I’m feeling ok now. It will all pass. More work tomorrow and more on Thursday I would imagine. Ive been at break point with it I realise now. I tried so hard not to get like this. Not to let it get like this. Too many hours working. I need a break. I’m not sure what from though. I will survive. I will conquer. I live to see another day for now.
I’m still tired this morning. I didn’t relax much over the weekend and my wife was away. When she came back I was tired and spaced out. Not the return she wished for I’m sure. She ended up sleeping in my daughters bed upset. When I’m like this I feel no emotion. I need a zap of energy. I’m wired but tired. I fell asleep fast but was then awoken pretty soon after and felt wired. I was then woken at 3 am by my son because he was hot from trying to sleep in his sofa den he had made. I had nightmares out of the night and my body temperature was sky high. I know that often when my temperature is like that I’m getting unwell. I’ll keep a close eye on it. I need to. Two more weeks or so and I can take a break from work. So much to do before then though. Lots.
It’s a stormy night out there. It’s beautiful. I keep forgetting to post. I guess while I’m pretty levelish I don’t see the point. I’m not sure I’ve been so level lately though. I’ve been working 7 days a week for the last few weeks. It’s all good though. I’ve some jobs that have to be finished before Christmas and I now know that I’ll do it pretty easily. Today I have pretty. Inch finished one of them. I just have a couple of short visits to do to get the final painting done on a balcony. That won’t be too hard. The other job I can focus on properly now and apart from some small jobs that have to fit in all will be ok. It’s funny how I’ve been fully on the go and still have loads of energy. I guess I’m a little high but not too high that it’s so uncontrollable. I need to be aware that I might go way high or crash in the Christmas holidays as I’m going at silly miles per hour and I can’t just stop. If I do then I know my body will wonder what’s going on. It’ll be good. I’ll wind down.
I’ve done well so far. I’ve not mentioned politics or religion. At the moment they are both pretty much hand in hand with the Middle East. The UK Parliament voted to bomb Syria last night and I’ve read that they started pretty much straight away too. Within a handful of minutes. I had read within seconds and if that’s true then it’s appalling. Anyway. My life is superb right now. I’ve got lots of fantastic jobs lined up and customers who are great. It’s taken a while to get back to this level again but all is good.