I’m sat here contemplating my life. What have I actually done with it? I feel like I’ve done nothing. Summer is pushing towards autumn and for the first time I fear winter but not because of possible depression. No. Other reasons. My mood has slipped a little but I know why. I was slightly late going to sleep last night. I had to kind of force myself to shut down or else I don’t know when I’d of slept. I felt wired but thank fuck I realised it. Tipping points creep up but are mostly noticed now. I watched the last episode of something last night and it’s certainly played on my mind. I’m not afraid to admit I actually welled up a bit and had tears run down my cheek. Partly it was the series I’d been watching but also things it brought up for me. More things I thought I’d dealt with but obviously they will crop up from time to time unexpectedly. The reasons it hit me was the good acting but also the scenario near the end. It reminded me a lot of my mums death quite a bit even though it was slightly different but also very similar. Mental pain is a complete cunt that’s for sure. I’m going to carry on preparing for what winter might well bring.
On a lighter note my veg are growing well and I think it’s going to be a bumper year for pumpkins and butternut squash. Cabbages are doing great too plus beetroot. Some good in my world I guess.
Edit: I’m shocked to have just seen how many subscribers there now are to this blog. Just under 32,000! That’s fucking crazy. I know there’ll be bots on that list but fuck me that’s a lot. Unreal.
this year is flying by like most years seem to these days. I’m working lots as usual. Luckily I’m clearing debts and hopefully I’ll only have the mortgage as a debt in the next few months. I’ve cleared a loan and have almost cleared my credit cards off. It’s a relief. A load off my mind. I’m getting set for winter because I’ve a feeling it’ll be a fucking dodgy winter. I don’t think it’ll be just the virus either. The economy is fucked. I think we are heading for a depression. We’re already in recession. Regardless of all of that life is good.
It’s been a while since I’ve thought about writing thoughts down. So much has changed for so many of us this year. Lockdowns have driven some to drink, some to exercise and some around the bend. I’ve worked throughout lockdown. I’m lucky because I think I’d of lost the plot. China is now flexing its muscles in Hong Kong and on India’s border as well as telling the UK to behave or face consequences. Where the fuck is it all heading this year? Each month seems to have some level of shtf about it. Luckily I’m not letting my mind run away with me too much. It could easily do so. I’ve even taken 2 days off work, today and tomorrow, to try to rest a bit. I’ve been working 10+ hour days and working some of most Saturdays too to try getting ahead for whatever winter will throw at us. I’m clearing debts too. Such strange surreal times we are living in. Thankfully I’m remaining reasonably sane, as sane as I can be, for now. I don’t intend to lose it either. I guard it closely now with a watchful eye.
It’s been quite some time since I’ve posted in here and a lot has changed in the world. We’ve been kind of locked down here in the UK but restrictions are easing. The lockdown has shown up that it’s highly likely my daughter has bipolar too. Her sleep has become erratic. She’s often showing signs of hypomania and anger or depression at others too. It’s seriously affected her even if it’s just down to the restrictions. I’ve carried on working right through as I’m working on renovating an empty annex. I’d foreseen we would go into lockdown so was mentally prepared and physically prepared too. I knew something was brewing from autumn last year. It’s affected me a bit too. I initially found myself obsessing over the virus and where it could lead us. There will no doubt be a second wave from late September/October onwards so I suggest getting extra food supplies in. I also think the food supply chain could be affected by it and shortages of food grown could be a reality too. One thing what has shown up from this is how our house isn’t as happy as I’d like it to be. There’s a hell of a lot of underlying issues here. Especially between my wife and myself. Often things are very cold and it’s like I’m punished, and have been for years and years, so I need to reassess things in the not too distant future. I’m 45 and not sure I can live the rest of my life sexless and lacking closeness. I’ve tried to cope with it for 10 or so years now and it’s not getting easier. Resentments grow. I guess with my daughter showing early signs of her mh suffering I’ll have to seriously consider my choices in life for now. I’ll ponder lots first but I hate feeling like I’m always in the way, or unwelcome, in my own home, the home I’m mostly paying all of the bills for at that!
What a very strange world and strange times we are living in. This will not be over in a matter of weeks. Here in the UK the Prime Minister has the virus, as do other men Evers of Parliament, but I think he will get very unwell from it. It’s strange because maybe Tuesday of last week I told a few I thought he had it. I’m sure I’m wrong but I get a strange feeling he may well die from it. A few things clicked the other day regarding it. Who knows. Anyway we are on partial lockdown and lots of people aren’t working. I am still working because I’m in the building trade. There’s so many who aren’t taking any precautions here in the UK and are flouting this partial lockdown. I think within a week we will go on full lockdown. We should of 3+ weeks ago really. There will be a lot of deaths. Infections will keep rising. Once things start to settle and restrictions are lifted a second wave will come. It’ll be far worse too. I can see this carrying on at least 18 months. Once this is over so much will of changed. Lots will never go back to how it was.
Life. It’s passing by ever faster. Last Thursday was the 12th anniversary of my mums death. Dates get to me. It doesn’t matter how prepared I am they always seem to skew things a bit. The last week or two of been edgy. Today I’ve noticed that I’ve been pretty wired at least for a week. I’ve been waking a few times in the night and the broken sleep has affected me detrimentally. I’m still in better shape than previous years though. It’s the second Sunday running I’ve had a callout to work due to the storms and I’ve been working at least 2-4 hours on Saturdays so I guess I’ve now worked for 14 days running for at least an hour on both Sundays. I think I’m getting a head cold, I’m usually physically unwell around now too! More vitamin c needing to be taken.
I’ve started my growing season off already. I already have chilli seedlings. I need to up my game again this year.
It’s a seriously fucked up world we live in. Most don’t realise but supermarkets only have about 3 days worth of supplies stocked and if there’s a panic for any reason it’s be maybe gone in a day. We have so much uncertainty in this modern world. We don’t have food security any more. We’re tied to technology. We are becoming cyborgs and can’t even see it most of the time. We’re online on phones, iPads or other computers more and more. We leave parts of ourselves online, like this blog, so are maybe reaching some kind of immortality in digital form. We are becoming more but less. Because of these things I’ve bought something to break my reliance and addiction. Something so simple. A watch. A simple cheap £7.49 Casio digital wrist watch. It’s battery powered but I might very soon buy a wind up one, I’ve one earmarked that’s £12. My thinking is to leave my phone in my van when at work or certainly away from me. I hate that these devices are spying and listening all the time. Divisive devices at that. Apps share info with each other. Even when turned off an iPhone, others too I’m sure, can and do still listen in! We need to wake the fuck up to this. We need to escape.
Well I’ve made it to another birthday. I’m 45. Fortyfuckingfive. I never thought I’d get here. Yet it’s been like a blink of an eye. I guess I’m kind of shocked. I’d intended for this to be a better birthday than usual but yet again it’s pretty shit. I’ve had 1 card and 1 gift and that was from friends of mine. My kids haven’t wished me happy birthday yet. My wife has been a bit unwell the last few days so hasn’t got me a card or anything from her or the kids. The usual leaving things until the last minute has gone tits up again. I think next year I’ll go away on my own out of the way, assuming I’m still around. It looks like I’ll be cooking dinner for us again tonight too because Kara has decided to go to bed and go on Facebook. She was up there when Fynn and I got in from the gym. Who knows maybe she’ll decide to come down later. Such is life.
This virus abd sore throat are lingering. I didn’t do a workout tonight. I took Fynn to our gym but only did warm ups with him the trained him. I tried to train but I’m too worn out. We put the weights I normally use on the dumbbells and I struggled to lift one dumbbell with both hands let alone one in each so I gave up. It’s for the best while feeling shitty. I have taken myself off Facebook again tonight as I’ve found myself being slightly antagonistic. Maybe more than slightly. Hey ho. Strength will soon come back physically. Mentally I need to recoup.