Life. It’s passing by ever faster. Last Thursday was the 12th anniversary of my mums death. Dates get to me. It doesn’t matter how prepared I am they always seem to skew things a bit. The last week or two of been edgy. Today I’ve noticed that I’ve been pretty wired at least for a week. I’ve been waking a few times in the night and the broken sleep has affected me detrimentally. I’m still in better shape than previous years though. It’s the second Sunday running I’ve had a callout to work due to the storms and I’ve been working at least 2-4 hours on Saturdays so I guess I’ve now worked for 14 days running for at least an hour on both Sundays. I think I’m getting a head cold, I’m usually physically unwell around now too! More vitamin c needing to be taken.
I’ve started my growing season off already. I already have chilli seedlings. I need to up my game again this year.
It’s a seriously fucked up world we live in. Most don’t realise but supermarkets only have about 3 days worth of supplies stocked and if there’s a panic for any reason it’s be maybe gone in a day. We have so much uncertainty in this modern world. We don’t have food security any more. We’re tied to technology. We are becoming cyborgs and can’t even see it most of the time. We’re online on phones, iPads or other computers more and more. We leave parts of ourselves online, like this blog, so are maybe reaching some kind of immortality in digital form. We are becoming more but less. Because of these things I’ve bought something to break my reliance and addiction. Something so simple. A watch. A simple cheap £7.49 Casio digital wrist watch. It’s battery powered but I might very soon buy a wind up one, I’ve one earmarked that’s £12. My thinking is to leave my phone in my van when at work or certainly away from me. I hate that these devices are spying and listening all the time. Divisive devices at that. Apps share info with each other. Even when turned off an iPhone, others too I’m sure, can and do still listen in! We need to wake the fuck up to this. We need to escape.
Well I’ve made it to another birthday. I’m 45. Fortyfuckingfive. I never thought I’d get here. Yet it’s been like a blink of an eye. I guess I’m kind of shocked. I’d intended for this to be a better birthday than usual but yet again it’s pretty shit. I’ve had 1 card and 1 gift and that was from friends of mine. My kids haven’t wished me happy birthday yet. My wife has been a bit unwell the last few days so hasn’t got me a card or anything from her or the kids. The usual leaving things until the last minute has gone tits up again. I think next year I’ll go away on my own out of the way, assuming I’m still around. It looks like I’ll be cooking dinner for us again tonight too because Kara has decided to go to bed and go on Facebook. She was up there when Fynn and I got in from the gym. Who knows maybe she’ll decide to come down later. Such is life.
This virus abd sore throat are lingering. I didn’t do a workout tonight. I took Fynn to our gym but only did warm ups with him the trained him. I tried to train but I’m too worn out. We put the weights I normally use on the dumbbells and I struggled to lift one dumbbell with both hands let alone one in each so I gave up. It’s for the best while feeling shitty. I have taken myself off Facebook again tonight as I’ve found myself being slightly antagonistic. Maybe more than slightly. Hey ho. Strength will soon come back physically. Mentally I need to recoup.
I’ve got a kind of virus/sore throat thing going on since yesterday. I’ve dropped about 3 pounds in body weight too! Never good when you’re bodybuilding but once this illness goes the weight will soon go back on. I’m wondering if it’s why I’ve been a bit wired and a bit hypomanic the past week. It could well be. In fact I hope it is because at least that means it’s not just down to mental health issues. I’d think the weight dropping is some fluid loss from being warm and also having a headache all day. I need it gone by tomorrow so it doesn’t affect my workouts too much. I’ll go lighter next week anyway. We’d already decided that because last week we hit it hard. If the hypomania, it’s mild, is down to this I’ll be very happy. I’ll be glad for the thoughts to slow down that’s for sure.
Last night I slept much better. I kept myself awake about 15 minutes longer than normal to try to be a bit more tired. It worked. My alarm woke me this morning. I’m usually up 20 minutes before it goes off. It’s kind of an insurance policy rather than an alarm. I’m tired tonight already as we did a workout tonight. It was leg day. We hit it really hard and used more weight than previously. I was hypomanic a bit today but not an onslaught. It’s easing off. It happens this time of the year so I guess it’s par for the course. It’ll soon be my birthday, 19th November, and dates are a fucker for me anyway. I’m looking forwards to it this year. Maybe I always do but this year I’m more calm and quiet about it.
Life is good.
This is a copy and paste from my Facebook. It’s not an attack but I see worrying signs.
Greta Thunberg and the Climate Change movement that follow her every word are becoming a huge cult. Nobody must speak out against her or question her mental health or you get told you’re bashing a child, you’ll get told she’s more grown up than most adults (talk about a contradictions of terms), you’ll get told to go kill yourself, told you’re jealous of her success, told you know nothing and are worthless, told not to bring up her anxiety, depression or her eating disorder and most certainly mustn’t suggest she’s in the early stages of a mental breakdown. She’s 16. She is still a child however intelligent she is. She’s still not an adult yet.
Whether you believe or disbelieve in climate change is not the point. The point is this is a child who from what I, and others, can see is getting mentally unwell. If/when she cracks I hope she gets help and I also hope that her cult followers and parents etc DON’T blame others outside of themselves. The blame WILL lie at their feet fully because they’re encouraging and pushing her knowingly or unknowingly.
As someone with a mental illness who has had ‘mental breakdowns’ I can see the warning signs. If this were me living so obsessed and consumed by one thing I would probably end up under the mental health team at the least but possibly sectioned. Dress it up however you like but the facts are the facts.