I’m feeling the best I’ve felt since possible 2007 just before my mum got seriously unwell. She died in the Februaury of 2008 and I think, looking back, that I was pretty mentally unwell from when she first went into hospital and into intensive care. It escalated from there. I remember the journeys to the hospital vividly and the routine and ritual of having to ring the bell to be allowed in to ICU and the having to use the alcohol based had steriliser. The smell lingers with me and will forever as will the white noise of various machines and sounds. I can remember how they would draw the curtain around and we knew that meant someone had died in there and they were wheeling their body out.
Recovery. What a strange thing and a strange word. As strange as it is I’m really enjoying it. It’s made me realise even more how seriously unwell I was mentally. Shockingly unwell. How I never got noticed for the odd behaviour and how I never got sectioned I’ll never know. I’m actually making plans for life, something I had tried but was so out of it they were all very crazy things, and they’re grounded plans. I’m learning things all of the time. I’ve realised how much I’ve learnt about myself over the last few months through seeing the psychologist. Talking of which I had my last booked session last Friday and can get referred back to her if I need it. What was very surprising was talking to her about how far I’ve come and a few other things. She told me how great it is to see someone recover and understand like I have and do. She was surprised t how deep I went with the therapy and said that lots of people can’t go that deep as it can just be too painful for them and too much. For anyone reading this and who have really struggled with therapy I can really relate to it and however far you’ve been with it you’ve done really well. Never forget that you are amazing and you’re so very strong. Keep going no matter how shit things can get. It’s really worth it.
Last nights dreams…hmm. I had several dreams in which a friend of mine featured really strongly. In fact the dreams were fully about him. I woke a few times from the dreams then went back to sleep again and dreamt about him again. It’s obviously on my mind and I’ve been working crazy lately. I’ve fitted in decorating a whole bungalow out in my spare time the last week and a half. It’s made me realise how much I miss people who’ve died. The friend I dreamt about killed himself last December. He’d tried a couple of months before and the way he did it was quite horrific. I think that’s why it’s on my mind so much. It’s made me realise that the few times I tried to choke/hang myself and didn’t manage to kill myself were one hell of a blessing. I’m very fucking lucky to be alive and to be level and in recovery. Very lucky. I’m making a few plans with life again now and they’re very realistic plans instead of bullshitbollocks bipolar crazy ones. They’re grounded this time. Thankfully. All I can do is keep going and keep trying my best. Life really is very very precious.
I’ve realised that the longer I’m well the longer I think I will stay well. I’ve made notes on my phone, which duplicate onto my iPad, to look at and to add to as and when needed. Thy range from normal things to keep in check in life to things to do with how I run my business and my work and life ethics. I’m finding that although I have blips and my though processing sometimes switches back to the patterns I had when unwell I’m able to notice them more now and act on them, even if it takes some hindsight. I’m still off Facebook for the most part, certainly while at work, and occasionally log back in just to check on a gardening/food growing group that I’m on. I’m finding I’m much more productive and my thought processes are changing for the better. Facebook is a huge distraction and waste of time for me personally and probably is for most others too. I find that I end up checking comments and replies etc and often I disagree with others. It’s far better avoiding it on the whole. I’ve decided that I want to learn Spanish and now have a free app, it’s kind of ok, and have now bought a course that comes as 19 books as PDF and some MP3 DVDs too. Maybe I’ll not like it but I’ll certainly try it. My daughter said I should learn Mandarin and she’s quite right because I’d love too. I love a good challenge. I’m also now looking at ways to make my business work better for me and I’m changing how I run things slightly so that I use my time more efficiently. I’ve started to save a small amount and I can then look at ways to invest that money so that we can do more of the things we want to do instead of feeling like we’re just getting by. Kara is making gallons of apple cider vinegar for the horses and also to sell. She already has several friends who want to buy it for themselves and their horses. Between all of us were getting to a lovely level. I’ve also made another bipolar type YouTube video.
Sunday night and yesterday I had a pretty upset stomach. Feeling crap made me feel mentally crap too. I thought I was heading down but realised how much even just an upset stomach can affect my mental health. It’s a fine line and a fine balancing act. Even so it’s easy to bounce back from if I can understand why I feel like this. It’s good to step back a little and think if there’s a reason why yet it’s so easy to get caught up in the crap feelings. I think my body was telling me I needed the short rest. I feel much better today even though it carried through a bit into this morning. Sometimes other things can give you a little lift. Things like messages etc from people you thought you’d not hear from again and sometimes they can make a good difference. I guess it’s life. At least it’s good to know things are ok.
Today I haven’t worked as I’ve been unwell with an upset stomach. I was awake half of last night with it and going to the toilet. It’s shocking how it’s affected my mood and my mindset briefly. My mood has certainly dipped. A few things have been on my mind lately. I’m trying to rebuild my business since I lost the plot in 2012 and until the last few months it’s felt futile. I can now see an end to the harder times and see a way forwards but I’m being cautious. I’ve seen things that I want to buy, thought about things I want to do and have been able to stop myself so far. It feels strange and good in some ways because I’ve seriously lacked that self control for several years. Even last year I’d of spent out on the things even with not having the money. This year I’m fighting it and not giving in just yet. I’m living to a rule of going a week or more before deciding to buy or do anything. It gives my brain time to digest things. Time to analyse things too. I’m trying to break lots of cycles and if I can keep on track then I’ve hopefully broken cycles that may well be a couple of decades old at least. It’s hard and it’s tricky to keep my self belief right now but I’m trying to keep the focus and to ride out blips and things that don’t go to plan as such. It’s a very strange thing to be levelish.
It’s time for more isolation. Time to withdraw further as there’s no point in being external. It’s a facade and others have bigger facades. The world is fake. The online world even more so. Trust nobody. They’re all out to get you. Anger simmers away. Don’t be led by others or follow others. Find your own path. It’s the only true way. Find your own true self. Find a guide or find your own inner guide. All others are from the demiurge. Not to be trusted. Agendas everywhere. Very few true souls are left in the world. All have agendas even though they think they don’t. They don’t see the true reality either. Boxed up in layers upon layers. So isolation is the only way. Watch for the truth. Read what you can buy read between the lines however small the small print is. Share nothing for it will be used against you in one form or another. Find your holy guardian angel. Call upon it often. Summon it. And when it appears question it. Push it. Test it until it’s shown to be the real entity that it is demon or angel. Put the demons down. Push them back into place. Cast them out. Mankind has so very little kind left. Trust no one
I’m still off Facebook. Although tonight I briefly went on to post an update and some photos on a food growing group. I’ve since come off again. So tomorrow is or would of been my fathers birthday. His 77th. I’m also due to start on a job on a roof tomorrow. Its supposed to be blowing huge gusts but I’ll see. Maybe I need the wildness. It’s a house I’ve worked on before and has some mixed memories with it. I was at my most unwell before starting there when I renovated it and I also had pneumonia while there along with some better memories too thankfully. I’m part way into converting the top of a cartshed too. A job I wasn’t due to start yet but due to cercumstances out of my control and a scaffold not up I had to switch things around. Something I did quite easily. A few months ago I’d of panicked that things weren’t how I wanted them to be. Thankfully I’m doing well now. Better than I have for years. I can see a future again which is something I couldn’t see not too long ago. Sometimes we have to live day by day or even hour by hour. Whatever happens we can overcome it.
What is time really? We say we’re in 2017 but we don’t know exactly where we are. We say it’s 11th September but that’s only a date created by man. Yes the earth rotates around the sun in about 365 1/4 days but other than that we can say exactly. Dates and religion go hand in hand really. Also astrology/astronomy named the days after the classical heavenly bodies. Hmm.
So I’m reading about zero point energy and FTL and it’s pretty intriguing. It’s sounding like the speed of light isn’t the absolute speed limit that we thought it was. I’m also reading and pondering on space vehicles that could override gravity and travel at phenomenal speeds. Here’s some musings I had earlier and they’re possibly crazy:
Is Anti gravity is in the world or realm of anti matter? Can anti magnetism work too or opposing magnets? Would or could they work as a propulsion? If there is a way to gather or harvest the universes residual atomic energy can we use it in a space vehicle? Can we make the vehicle out of a material that ‘absorbs’ the energy and then transfer it into propulsion. Can this also then use and protect the vehicle from the Van Allen radiation belts that surround earth? If so can the vehicle be used to travel at FTL velocity by warping space? Could this be a way to help create an Alcubierre drive?
Who knows where my mind is at but I feel good and I’m resting well. Business is good and things in life are good. I write the above in my notes on my phone and will ponder more about it and possibly add more.
I’ve been making sure I get 7 1/2 – 8 hours sleep each night this week. Over the weekend I rested lots. I’m noticing the subtle changes though. I’m noting emotions getting more vivid. Music is affecting them too. I’m possibly being hyper vigilant but maybe I’m right. Maybe I’m headed for a high. It’s due haha. It’s the time of year and it’s a 2 year cycle. What’s also strangely amazing is I’m working in the same place I was 2 years ago and even last year I was working there at this time too. I know the seasons affect me. I’m focusing my energy on my life and business. Today is day 3 of being off Facebook. Yet again I can see how it is a time trap and addiction. So far while off there I’ve been more switched on and present. I’ve been cooking our evening meal for the last few nights. I’ve had time to think clearly. I’ve realised I/we can drift from one year to the next but we get closer to our end goals. I’ve also noticed I’m more focused and that I need quite rigid plans. That’s one thing I’m looking at implementing again, written plans, for life and work.
I’m not a wage slave as such as I run a business. I am however a slave to money. A slave to debt. A slave to credit. I’m constantly trying to push past it. I’ve realised the last week or so that even if I market garden I know my work as a builder inside out and it’s where I can maybe make the most money for now. Only yesterday someone said I’m at my peak as I’m still young and fit and at my earning premium. He said I should milk the cash cow that is my business and not be afraid to charge properly for my services. Confidence, or lack thereof, has affected how i price work and what I charge. It’s time to release those shackles and to get my confidence back. Real confidence not some shitty bipolar false confidence. I guess this is another facet of recovery. Recover now there’s a word. I’ve had some blips lately. I’m tired that’s for sure and I’m being strict again over my sleep patterns. It’s funny that I’m tired now I’m getting more sleep. I think my body is relaxing now from so much that’s been pent up inside for the last few years. So much to think about. So much to regain. So much to register and look back upon the countless lessons there are to learn. Lessons which maybe happened because I was in an almost never ending episode since 2012 onwards. I need to face the fact I’ve lost, spent and been conned out of tens of thousands. Time to get things back in line. Luckily most lessons were short and sharp. Time to learn from them and move on with life. A time to stop mourning or lamenting any past happenings and past episodes in life.
I’m tired. It’s only 8:08pm and I’m tired. I could sleep. I’ve noticed my thoughts are a little faster. My ears are ringing a little. I’m aware that soon it will be the date of the birth of the man who fathered me. A strange time. A strange time of year too. Dreams and reality. The year turns. Lots of things tire me. Riddles in the dark. Bipolar is like a tv programme. You never know what an episode may bring. Do I still write this for myself now I wonder? I’ve wondered today about not writing anymore. I’ve said lots. Is there more to say? Maybe I’ll talk about death. Death is avoided by most. Well the subject is not the actual dying. We all die. We don’t all get to choose how or when we die. Is suicide really so bad? Is it really so far out there in societies ‘norms’ so as to be frowned upon? We all die. We will all be dead one day. I wonder what I wonder? Hmmm I wonder. Wonderful wondrous wonder. It’s all shit and bullshit.