Life is changing again. The house will be going on the market soon once it’s tidier and I’m looking forwards to moving on. Kara still has a lot of stuff to get shifted but is slowly making some effort since I’ve been getting things tidied. She and Rhiannon moved to her mums about 7 weeks ago now. Fynn is still living with me and will move with me once the house is sold. The house is much cleaner and we are eating better and at a regular time in the evening too! He’s working with me too and his goals in life are similar to mine. He’s got a great work ethic and it will see him go far in life. My focus now is back to forging ahead in life and business and helping Fynn gain more confidence, it’s come on lots since Kara and Rhiannon moved out and several customers have pointed out he’s happier and more confident. I had a chat with the Youth Project a few weeks back, as I had to drop him off there because Kara was late yet again in arriving to pick him up and luckily I was here, she was over 40 minutes late coming to pick him up on his birthday too which was very disrespectful seeing as she arranged the time with him and he was quite upset about it, and they said he speaks highly of me and all the things we do together. Kara and I have been separated about 16 months now and divorce has been underway around 3 months but she’d not mentioned a thing to the youth project about the separation and they were quite surprised. I also gave them Fynn’s own bank details so his wages can go in his own bank rather than the joint account because Kara hadn’t sorted that yet either. I know that in the past she had used his wages from the joint account before paying them into his account at a later date. Several years ago she also emptied Fynn and Rhiannon’s bank accounts of about £6-7k to spend the money on the horses. It was money I had put in there every month to save for their futures only for their mother to take it away and spend on the horses she had on loan. She was the only person able to access their accounts too! Fynn has seen this too because he’s been back through his online statements. Rhiannon will have access to her accounts too now she’s 18 and will be able to see how much was taken too. So many other things have come to light but I’m not sure whether I’ll mention those or not. Suffice to say I worked my arse off constantly trying to get us ahead as a family only for it to be blown away on other things. I was paying Kara a monthly wage of a little under £800 a month too as well as her working the 2 part time jobs she has and I’m wondering where a fair chunk of all that went, I’m guessing that was the horses and her sheep too because I pay almost all of the household bills and was paying her mobile phone bill, her car road tax, all of her cars garage bills and I even used to pay her tax bill each year and she used to often berate me about not having enough money and mocked me over many things. She’s accused me of some nasty things too yet right up until several days after we separated she stayed sleeping in the same bed as me. I’ll leave it there for now though! Life is getting better.
EDIT: I have also been in touch with the psychologist I used to see at the mental health hospital regarding getting private therapy as there’s so much more that I should probably talk with her about.
Thankfully Christmas Day is over. It was the last one we will probably spend together as a family. I broke my own rules and had a drink. It was going well until I made a stupid error of judgement and Kara and I ended up arguing. I shouldn’t have drank and shouldn’t have been a fool and messaged someone that I shouldn’t have telling them things that are none of my business. Very early next year I want to get this house sold because we need to live apart now and although mostly we get on ok it is still toxic at times. Both of us have made fuck ups recently and it was in part due to her recent one why I messaged someone yesterday but deleted it almost straight away before they read it. Today won’t be easy but it will pass. Tomorrow I go away alone for a few days which is a good thing. Life has its ups and downs but it will get better for both of us from here onwards.
Seeing as it’s Boxing Day I’d like to wish an absent friend a Happy Birthday. You know who you are.
Life is pretty busy at the minute. I’m pushing the business along and it’s going well. Life is changing fast though. I’ve filed for divorce and want the house sold asap. Too much has gone on to mention but recently I took off for 8 days and visited loads of places in the UK. I didn’t make it to Scotland but did get near the bottom of Cornwall and into wales. I met 4 virtual friends in real life and stayed with some of them while away. It’s made me reconsider life and I might very well leave the UK eventually. My plans from earlier in the year still stand. Fynn wants to live with me which I think is for the best. He will be working with me soon. So many other things going on in life but I can’t mention them yet but some of it will be life changing again! It’s all good. In fact its utterly brilliant. Kara and I both need to move on. She’s already started in some respects. I guess I have too but enough of that for now. The sooner we can sell the house the better in my opinion. I want my money out to invest. I know she will need her half to live off. Fortunately for the most part we still get on quite well. I still take her a cup of tea up to her in her room in the morning. I think eventually once it’s all settled and dealt with we will get on reasonably ok but who knows! All I know is I’m finally falling in love with the person I should’ve loved all along….myself! It’s sad to realise I’ve not even liked myself at times let alone loved being me. That changed while away. My confidence is back up and lots who actually know me would get quite a surprise if they saw me now as I’m very lean and muscular and twice last week I saw people who’d not seen me for 3 or so months and they actually didn’t recognise me! I now shave almost every day too as well as go to a very good Turkish barber for the full works once a month. It’s amazing how when one takes care of themselves, learns to love themselves and has great confidence that lots of the opposite sex suddenly become very interested! Enough of that for now though! I’m still manifesting my perfect dream life snd it’s falling into place nicely too. Life really is beautiful.
The last 2 months I’ve taken my foot off the accelerator regarding work and a few other things. I’ve still earned bloody good money. I needed to for some personal reasons and to build some bridges again. I’ve kept my morning routine going though. It keeps me focused. I’m now on week 3 of working out again and I’m very lean. In fact I weigh 13st 6lbs now which is the lightest I’ve been for maybe 20 years. I’m still strong and holding muscle. Some of the weight loss was huge anxiety but I’m past that. It’s amazing being this lean. I borrowed Fynns belt on Sunday and used the same hole he uses but could’ve used the next one down.
I figure it’s now time to focus on building my business more again now and getting Fynn to work for me 3 days a week. maybe it’s time to go more fully back into monk mode. Maybe it’s time to get totally focused on my goals of vast wealth and investing so I can get off grid asap. Throughout everything I’ve still kept a focus on investments and have swapped my portfolio about a bit too. Hopefully in the next bull market I can sell my crypto for £200k+. Possibly more. Life is good.
Today I’m in huge mental pain. It’s ducking hard to deal with. I’ve hardly slept. I’ll survive. I can’t talk about it right now other than to say I had a huge kick in the guts yesterday. I’m trying to do my absolute best for someone that I love dearly but fuck me I’m hurting today. Watching someone you care about living out a mental breakdown is fucking hard. Watching them glitter hours away online distracting themselves and doing other things too really is hard. I’m going to have to contemplate on what my actions will be from here forwards. My kids come first. If they’re hurting then I will need to act. I’m in no hurry to take action yet though as I really do want to support the person I’m trying to help. What hurts is I cannot talk to others about it.
The last couple of weeks anxiety has reared it’s head. It’s down to a few things but I keep going and keep pushing. Next week I’m back at full pace after having a week of early finishes, early for me anyway. My plans are all still in place and this weekend I will go over Augusts goals and check off what I achieved. I’ll then write down Septembers goals. Whatever else is going on in my day to day life does not affect my long term goals of financial wealth snd freedom and getting off grid. I’ve done bloody well this year so far and will adjust my end of year goals a little too. I’ve realised how strong and focused I am and that I can achieve anything I put my mind to. Life really is a beautiful experience. I’m also thinking of taking a few days off when I get the chance and go away to meditate and go inwards a little. This might be in the next month or two or maybe it’ll be over Christmas time. I’m not sure yet as I’m still pushing ahead with life and work.
A goal without a plan is just often just a dream.
Watching someone you care a lot about who is deep in grief is one of the hardest things I think I’ve ever had to do. I know that that person needs help ASAP but the NHS are ping ponging them around the system. I’ve offered to help them pay to get private counselling ASAP but i think that they’re refusing the offer for now. It hurts because I’ve been through this and I know the quicker one gets help the quicker recovery starts. I’d also say they are in a mental breakdown too. It pains me to watch and not be able to just take that grief into myself away from them. I see them using them using the same coping mechanisms I did like constantly scrolling Facebook and using various other distraction techniques. They’re drifting along in a semi-conscious state, their sleep is poor and I know all of these things compound to make things worse for longer. I have to be a strong friend for them as much as I’m able but fuck me it hurts watching it all unfold knowing that’s exactly how I was. All I can do is be there as much as they want me to be and to keep sending them love and healing.
In my life I’ve fucked so many things up but I keep going and pushing ahead. The last 10 months or so have been the most trying of my life but whereas I’d normally be self depreciating in the past and say what a cunt I was and how it’s all poor me I’ve grown and moved past that. The last 10 months I’ve not only worked on pushing my business and life but I’ve been working on self too. Right now I have to take full responsibility for all of my past actions and fuck ups or else I will stay stagnated, or keep the same loop running, in my life. It’s not easy but it’s the only way I can keep growing and grow up. My plans for the future remain the same, ie get vastly wealthy, have a lot of money to retire and live off grid. Instead of those things being a distant dream I am working and planning to make them a reality. I’ve burnt so many bridges the last year and it really hurts. Instead of hiding away and refusing to take much blame I am putting my hands up and saying “yes it was me. I fucked it all up. I hurt too many people that are close to me. I took out my childishness on others because I didn’t know any other way”. It’s the only way I can grow as a person. It’s funny that I’m writing this out, I wasn’t going to because actions speak much more than words. In the past I would’ve just used words. I can’t be weak anymore. In fact I have to be strong. I’m going to put right as many wrongs as I can and that will not be an easy thing to do. I’ve hurt those who are closest to me and will take responsibility for that. I’ve also realised it all started with the death of my mum and I had never got over that. That grief is finally coming out. I always thought I had to be a man and just carry it but grief simply destroys things if shut away in the dark recess’ of one’s mind. I hardly blog these days because of the work I have been doing and am still doing both physically and mentally. I will also have to start forgiving myself.
It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. Life is pretty crazy at the minute and I’m working 7 days a week anywhere up to 13 hours a day. I’m investing any spare money and I’m building my future. It’s all good. I’m still pretty much in monk mode too. I’m using the compound effect. Short term pain for long term gains. I’m also on a keto diet which is quite close to fully carnivore. I actually weigh the least I’ve weighed for many years and am lean. I’m a little under 14 stone now whereas I’m usually 14 1/2 to 15 stone. It’s all good.
What a crazy world is out there. My life has changed a lot yet is still the same in many ways. I’m now pushing to better myself and my life a lot. I’m working 6-7 days a week. I’m pushing ahead. I’m now eating a mostly carnivore diet and it’s transformed so many things. I’ve dropped 2”+ off my waist. I no longer have bloating or wind due to dropping carbs and sugars. It’s great. I have more energy again. I’m still meds free. I’m still working out and keeping a strict lifestyle/regime. I’m now taking cold showers early every day too instead of hot. It’s all good. My mental health has been pretty fucking good too! Life is good. What’s interesting is how people or things from the past have popped up but that’s good too. I guess life is a circle and people come and go then often come back again. It’s all good.