Its Thursday morning and I am waiting to her about my van. I’m hoping it will be fixed asap this morning. It was going to be ready last night. I need it this morning to get some work done and get some concrete layer on a job. I’m not anxious though which makes a change. I’ve got a window I can paint while I wait to hear about the van. All will be good. I can make some bills out today and chase some people over some stuff too. My head hurts a bit but hopefully that will dissapear pretty soon.
I’m sleeping better again and feel like I’m still catching up from being high. I’m not sure if I’m levelled out yet or not. I still see the occasional thing that’s not there. I still have poor memory too at times. There are a few other ongoing things too. Oh well. That’s life. Well it’s my life anyway. I’ve not meditated for a while. My head is too busy but it might help calm my thoughts down I guess. Catch 22 situation as always!
Yesterday we had a woman around regarding a plan that’s in place to help get my son going back to school. He gets really bad anxiety. I can really relate to it. Often I mask my anxiety so that I don’t stop us doing things. It’s amazing how much one can mask over these things when fully aware of them. Others aren’t aware when you’re good at hiding it all. Much like anger. Others don’t see how close you are to going over the edge. I can have such huge inner rage and want to act on it but outwardly I look reasonably calm. I’m good at controlling it, which is a good trait to have. Having spoken with others who struggle too I have realised I’m very very lucky to keep it as under control as I do. If I didnt I would either be in hospital or prison and that’s not just because of the anger issues.
Often I feel like I’m loosing control. I’m so used to it now it’s becoming or has become normal, not that I’m fully sure I know what normal is. I’m still engaged in my own enlightenment. Maybe this is all part of it. Maybe there’s such a crossover between mental health issues and enlightenment. Maybe enlightenment is such a break from the ‘norm’. Who knows. All I can do is understand myself more each day and deal with it from there.
The van I bought in January or February was in the garage last week with a seized rear caliper. This week it’s in with the steering gone stiff and has probably blown the seal or plate off the back of the steering pump. Both are common faults. Hopefully the steering is covered on the warranty. The brake caliper wasn’t. It’s going to throw my day out today, but that’s not so bad, I can live with that. Also I’ve done well getting it in asap too. Normally I’d panick and bury my head in the sand but not this time. I am however starting to get paranoid about it. I’m wondering what may go wrong next.
I’ve noticed my chest is tight this morning. It may be a little stress over the van I’m not sure. I’m concious of it though. It could even just be because of working out again. Who knows.
Today I’m not feeling too bad. I know I’ll stress about work later but that’s to be expected. I’ve a few errands to run this morning and after that a few bills and telephone calls to make too. Hopefully the van will be fixed later. I’ll try getting some rest later too. I might end up working Saturday morning. I’m not sure.
I’m feeling kind of level today so far too. I’m missing feeling high that’s one thing. I fear resting too much though because that can se d me up too. As long as I don’t sink I don’t mind. Maybe I am still a bit high. Yesterday while working it felt like time had almost stopped. I did lots of work then looked at the clock only to realise maybe 10 minutes had passed. I’m not sure if it’s because I was so caught up in work or if I’m a bit delusional. I don’t know. I fear second guessing everything too. At least I’m not angry this morning. That’s a good thing. One thing I’ve realised is often I go into lots of detail here about some things but totally omit others. One thing I omit is the violent thoughts I often get. I’ve always had them. Years ago I almost put a glass in a guy’s face through being paranoid he was talking about me. Another time I very nearly put the back of a pool cue in a blokes face. Last year in London I fantasised about glassing a bloke because he blew smoke near me. There are countless other things. Once while drunk I fell out with a friends girlfriend and threw a glass across the road at her. It didn’t hit her luckily. I’m much more calmer these days. Although when very paranoid I do get close, especially if I’ve been drinking. I don’t drink very often at all now. I don’t like how it affects me or how it affects others either.
I’m not a nice person. I’m just a good actor. Most of the time my life is just an act too. I’m just there as the hidden silent observer hiding behind the front that is my so called persona. Often I wonder how long the act will go on for. It’s like a risset rythmn going around and around getting faster and faster but staying the same, never going anywhere. It’s a fractal spiralling out but always the same. I’m a good actor. Most never notice the front that I put on. Oh well. That’s life for me.
So far so good. No anger. Well not much at all. No anxiety. Today has ended up being a partial cock up but for once that’s actually ok. I’m not sure I’m fully back in touch with reality, or if I ever will be, but the last 2-3 weeks I’ve certainly only just fleetingly glimpsed reality. I’m not sure where I’ve been other than away with the fairies. Today I’ll do what I can and that’ll do just find.
One thing I need to do is stop being such a fucking gullible twat. Too many people take the piss. They think I’m an easy touch and abuse the kindness. I don’t want to have to harden up but I must for my own mental wellbeing. Too often I let people in a bit and they abuse it. Well no more I say. Fuck them all. Death to them. Slow and painful. Maybe I’m being harsh but there we go. There truly are some fuckers in this world, some wankers and cunts. I want out of the rat race. Out of the bullshit. Out of the ways of ‘tradition’ or the ways of supposedly having to ‘do the right thing’ because others expect it. It’s time to tear the false bounties right down. It’s time to be what I need to be and time to start saying to others ‘do you know what? Fuck you that’s what!’ Let them fuck off. Let them worm their little words around trying to get back on the right side of me. Fuck them. Fuck them all. Cunts.
Enough of anger for now. So today I will be happy to just do what I’m doing. Happy to work away on my own. That’s how my life needs to be. Mostly others don’t get me at all. They politely ask how I am but don’t really want an answer. They want to just falsely go about the bullshit. Well that bullshit is killing the planet and killing open minds and eyes. Let’s all put our blinkers on and believe we are such good people. I’m not. I’m not one of them. I’m nasty at times. Horrible. A nightmare to deal with but that’s all inside. Mostly it never shows on the highly polished exterior facade that I wear. Well fuck it all. The end.
I’ve woken up at 6:15 this morning. I shaved my hair off last night with the clippers, had a long bath and then shaved my face. My wife told me I’d been in the bath for over an hour and a half, possible close to 2. It felt like less than half hour. Time is unimportant and unreal right now. I saw bright blue last night when I went to go to sleep. Things are a little ‘edgy’. That’s the best way to explain it. I saw a ‘figure’ or something yesterday upstairs on the landing. I cope though. I think. What’s reality anyway? It’s just signals deciphered by our brains from our senses from external stimuli. Who’s to say those of us who see things don’t really see them. Much like different animals see and hear what we don’t. Blow a high pitch whistle and a dog hears it but we done. Does it mean it doesn’t make a sound or exist? What I see isn’t always out there either. I have inner visions. I can see the future at times. I can be aware when dé ja vu is happening. I’ve changed it too. Changed the ending.
This is my reality and I don’t expect others to understand at all. They don’t need to. What I do need though is more time. More time to push my dreams forwards. To push the ideas I have. My memory is getting bad at the moment. That’s ok though. I know it’ll be alright. Maybe I’ll just start writing lists and pointers again. I should be a hermit then I’d have time to pursue my dreams and ideas fully. That’s where life is headed.
Yesterday I thought I needed a full diagnosis. Today I’m not so sure. I don’t need to have someone else trying to slot me into a pigeon hole. I don’t need to be placed in a ‘section’. I’m me. That’s all there is. I control it. It’s a gift. I just have to fully utilise it.
Last night I had talk with my wife. She reminded me of things that I omit from here, not knowingly. At times I get angry with my children and their behaviour. Especially the rudeness and back chat. I’m not sure I was ever so rude but maybe I was. My memory isn’t what it can be at the minute. It’s very fuzzy. Anyway back to it. My son has so many similarities to me at that age. Luckily my wife has pushed things along and the school are looking into things too. I think I’ve always thought he’s ok because I relate to him lots. I relate to how he doesn’t want to go to school, how at times he doesn’t want to eat too. At that age I could go a few days without eating much. Aged 14 I stopped going to school pretty much altogether. It’s shocking for me. I’m going to go back to the doctor and take it further to get a diagnosis. Having spoken with a few people and especially after a private conversation last night on facebook others who have the same issues and symptoms think I’m bipolar 1 with a few other things going on. I am who I am and mostly I kind of cope. I know they aren’t doctors or psychiatrists.
So onto another issue I have but which has calmed down lots. Sexomnia. I have sexomnia. I have sex in the night and don’t know about it. I’ve slept with my wife countless times whilst asleep. I don’t know it’s happening. It’s a major reason that my wife has had her sex drive killed by me. I don’t think I can ever fully understand how it has affected her or our lives. I can wake in the night to find I’m turned on and playing with myself.
I guess I also Should say that several times I’ve thought my wife has tried to poison me. I was certain of it. I still ate the food because at times I wish for death, even though I’m so awesome.
Mostly I guess these things don’t come to the fore in my mind but they are bellow the surface. Often I don’t even know where my thoughts are. I have violent thoughts too. At times graphically violent. Last night when my wife was putting me in my place about how what I write here and what I don’t write here I had my sons hammer in my hand. Only because he had left it in the kitchen, but briefly I thought about hitting her with it because I didn’t want to hear what she had to say. It’s not the first time I’ve fantasised or thought about hurting others and it won’t be the last either. I’d not act on these thoughts because I know they’re violent thoughts and nothing more. Often at the end of the day I can’t even remember where my thoughts have been because there have been so many in such quick succession.
I’m headed upwards again after 2 good nights sleep. All the signs are there. Ears ringing, warm body, racing thoughts, metallic smell in my nose etc. I’ve not come down from over 2 weeks or so ago. I just leveled a bit. Oh well. I am who I am. At least I’m not so angry today.
I didn’t post in here this morning because someone had tried to hack into the site. Anyway this morning I had a raging anger. Really bad anger welled up inside me. I went to work briefly for a few hours and luckily I was alone. I felt like going out to find trouble. To find a fight. A physical violent fight. I wanted to get hurt and beat someone to a pulp. I dwelled on it. I revelled in it. And I raged away in my own head torturing myself all the more. After I finished at 11am I drove home and went to bed for a few hours. I slept like a log. Luckily when I woke I felt a little better. I lost my temper last night and told my daughter off for something minor. I told her off unnecessarily. I apologised straight away. Poor little thing. She’s 9.
Once up this afternoon I took us out for late lunch and have calmed even more since. We had a nice time and have also had a fire in the garden along with marshmallows. All is getting better again. We even planted the veggie garden too this evening.
I’ve got the strange smell back in my nose. It’s metallic, maybe like a metallic salty smell. My ears are hyper sensitive and have a high pitch noise, they’ve been like this for almost 2 weeks now, my head is a bit fuzzy too. The last 2 weeks I’ve been hyper sexual. I’d not normaly write this, but it is part of it, I’ve had to sort myself out lots. I mean lots. When depressed earlier this year I had zero sex drive, which is highly unlike me, but was ok with that for a change. Well everything has come back online. My wife has no sex drive so when mine was nonexistent I was pleased and relieved for her. Possibly one of the greatest coping mechanisms now is the facebook bipolar group that I’m on. There’s always good advice and a friendly eat to listen. There’s almost equal number of men to women too so I can get a balanced view on things.
Now if better mention my anxiety yet again. My stomach feels light and whisky. Almost a bit upset too. It’s been churning away. I know this will pass and I think knowing this allows me to let go of it a bit quicker. Which all helps.
I’m glad I’m a bit high. I need it. It’s far better than depression although at least you know what you’re getting with depression. Being high has lots of flavours and colours and often they’re a bit mixed too. In fact yesterday was a bit of a mixed mood day. High, very mild anxiety, busy brain but also a feeling of being in a hole. Kind of like going on a journey that you want to go on but have never undertaken before. Well I think that’s how I’d sum it up. That’s how it is for me.
My wife has a urine infection so I’m a bit worried about her. She’s passed some blood. Maybe that’s why I’m anxious. I don’t tell her these things because she reads this but last night when she told me she had peed some blood my head went into overdrive thinking all of the worst things it could be. I then started thinking about death, not just hers but death in general. It’s such a head fuck getting like that. Over thinking. Anyway it settled a little and I slept solidly from about 11 pm until 5:45 when my son woke me. I can’t remember any dreams though which is highly strange. I’m normally a huge dreamer. I remember them vividly too usually. Oh well. At least I normally sleep.
I didn’t write this morning. Too much going on in my mind and I just ran out of time. I’ve realised today is Thursday and not Wednesday! Well what a roller coaster today has been. I’ve been up. I’ve felt down , I’ve felt both together, I’ve felt mentally tired but physically full of energy, I’ve had enough and not enough too, I’ve had no focus and I’ve had total focus. What a mad day. I’m glad I work alone! Anyone else would think I’m a bit bonkers, I am in a good way.
I’ve been thinking about giving up facebook again today. I might well get my arse off there soon as I find it can distract me lots. I’m never sure which way around it is, is facebook a trigger or do I go on there more when high or low…? I’m not sure at all.
I’m questioning lots of things again lately. Where is the mind? Where is it seated? Is it in the brain? I’ve read the heart has feelings too. Do we associate it with the brain because our eyes, ears, mouth and nose are senses that sit near our brain and give signals back there, thus we feel like we are in our heads, or maybe not depending on how we feel. At times I’m several feet above my body or head. In astral travel it’s said that we remain connected to our body through a thin cord that is like an umbilical and connects to our abdomen or belly button.
Where am I ? Who am I? Why am I? What am I ? When am I? I don’t know. Last night I stood outside looking up at the stars. I’m insignificant to be honest yet I am an individual with my own thoughts and feelings. Or am I ? Maybe I am really just a minor part of the whole. I’ve been here before. I’ve lived before. Maybe I am all that there truly is and I am just experiencing myself as a human for a while. A spec of minor life on a minor imaging any planet orbiting a minor star on the edge of the Galaxy. I know I am yet I don’t know I am at the same time. Maybe I’m a paradox. Maybe the paradox that’s me is a paradox too.
So I’ve realised I’m an important insignificance. If that’s possible. In my world everything is possible. I live in a world of Magic and mystery with some mayhem.
I’m back working out. Back being cool. Im always cool I guess, but I’m back feeling cool. Life is good and I have to count my blessings for they are many.
It’s been a fast paced busy day. I’m not sure if I got lots done or if my mind just made it seem that way. I’m tired. A good tired though. I think I got lots done. It doesnt matter either way really. What has been interesting is the customer chatted lots. Usually it’s me who is chattering away. Anyway I listened.
I’ve had several small realisations today. Firstly everything is always alright. Well so far in life it’s that way. I’m still alive so it’s not gone so badly. Also I’ve realised that we are all pretty crazy in some way. Some more than others and some less so. It’s all good. Life is good. The weather is good and I’m all good. I feel like I’m getting back on top and everything will be cool. It’s always cool even when it’s hot. Also I’ve realised that others are important in life. I’ve avoided others lots over the last few years. I think I can come out a bit more again now.
I should live somewhere warm forever. Somewhere nice. Somewhere I don’t have to work too. I’ll make it happen. I create my reality.