I’m tired. Nothing new there. People talking shit do my head in. They can fuck off. I’ll find them. Small minded pettiness gets on my tits. I’ll rise above it all. Break down the gates and doors. Shatter and smash crash. Fool hardy. My brain is speeding up. I’ll buckle up. A storm is coming. Be prepared.
I’m seriously frustrated. Everything is frustrating me. I work stupid hard but am never out of my personal or business overdraft. I can’t clear debts that I have. They seem to be taking forever to diminish. We still don’t have a boiler that works or hot running water (it’s been 3 years now). My life is sexless and has been for far too many years. I’m always tired. I’m always putting on my ‘face’. I’m always trying to figure out how to work more and earn more. It sucks. It’s shit. Fuck it all. Fuck off.
Sometimes I think I’m just an arsehole. I guess that’s not always true. The internal dialogue tells me all manner of things but often it’s that I’m no good and that I’m a horrible person. I guess it’s wrong. I guess that sometimes there is a decent human being in here somewhere. It’s all a fight. There’s no permanent winning. There’s also no permanent losing either. It’s just that theres no balance for me or certainly not often. I guess I’m getting more reflective as I’m getting older. Who knows. At least today I’m not an arsehole. Well not fully.
Maybe yesterday I jumped the gun a bit. I’m a tad lower today, still not way down like last week, and anxiety has hit yet again. Several things are festering away but will maybe get sorted soon. It is what it is. I need to work more hours to get more money coming in. Things are still stupidly tight. I don’t think this is just my paranoia but I think over the last few years government has implemented policies that are making things harder for those less well off and are slowly fucking us all over. I don’t see it changing anytime soon either. It’s a constant fight that for sure. Slowly slowly fights get eroded and corporations influence government more and more. We’re doomed.
Well I’m glad that it’s a new week. I’m back working properly today. I’ve not slept today and not needed to, nor yesterday. Normal sleep will resume tonight. My mood is brighter too. Last week I was lower than I cared to think about. Suicidal thoughts crept in a lot. I just wanted to go to sleep forever. I tried meditating on what death must be like but my energy was so low I just fell into deep sleep. I’ve started working out again today. I need to get my body back in proper shape. I need to get healthier. It’ll help my mind too. I’m just relieved the shittyness was only just over a week. Thank fuck for it being over. I’ve even priced some work tonight. I survive, or at least I have so far.
This week is flowing by even though I’m not working very much. I’ve been sleeping lots. I’m getting my usual 7 1/2 – 8 hours a night and 2 or so hours during the day. I need to start bringing myself back to ‘reality’ again as I’ve lots of pricing and bill making to do. I’ve had some time for introspection and although not enough it’s made me realise I need to find a decent balance in life again. Debts won’t disappear on their own and plans need to be in place to help clear them. I’ve realised I’m getting older. My body has started to give signs of this. It’s not always doing what I want it too and I’m some ways it’s good but in others it’s bad. It’s sad too in some ways. What’s struck me the most is I have no plans for how I’ll survive later in life. I can’t keep working so hard within the building trade into older age that’s for sure. So I guess I have to firm decent plans ASAP and that May will mean working even harder short term. More missing is needed. I also think that I made a wise decision by taking some time off. It’s helped me not slip down the slippery mental slope again. At least not yet. I guess it’s about self care and self awareness. Keeping a good track on my own mental state. If I can continue to keep things pretty good maybe I’ll see about going meds free in a few more months. It’s taken some time to fully settle after dropping the dose. I did have a few blips but it seems to of settled back at the level I was at before dropping them a bit. Who knows.
I’m tired all of the time. This week I’ve decided that I’ll do less. Maybe have a day or two off. I’ve worked hard lately and maybe it’s catching up with me. I don’t know. My dreams have been reflections of the past of late. I’m off Facebook intermittently again. Some on there are doing my head in. Cunts. Not all. 8 hours sleep a night and about 2 hours during the day. It’s still not enough. I wonder what it’s like to sleep forever. Hay fever is affecting me. That tired me I do know. People tire me. Work tires me. I need to eat more healthily again. I’ve been craving rubbish. I’m almost on top of both allotments and the field. Fishing isn’t doing it for me. I hate it at the moment. Food growing at the field needs to be got on top of. It’s tricky. The tree roots are now near the surface as I’ve made the ground fertile. They’re sucking the goodness, the moisture, the life out of the soil. Much like my life is being sucked out. I’m feeling thin, like butter spread over too much bread. No second breakfast for me. Friends online have disappeared. Friends hahahahaha. It’s often a one way friendship when I’m here only when needed.