I’m tired and I’m low on energy. Some of it is down to bipolar, some of it is down to having to work my tits off yet again just trying to stay afloat and some of it is down to my gallstone. Today I’ve had slight rumblings in my right side caused by the gallstone. All of the above play on each other. I’ve popped in to do some work after finishing work, yes it doesn’t make that much sense really but it does too. I’m broke in all ways. I will recover again yet I’m sure. I’m fighting hard to just stay afloat but also to get slightly ahead as I’ve got a date for the operation to remove my gallbladder. I’m in to be operated on on 12th October. Part of my brain is telling me I’ll die in the op. The other part, the rational part, is telling me it’s just a normal procedure and everything will be fine. My paranoia is playing up with me over it. It’s something I’ll just have to live with. If it’s straight forwards keyhole surgery I’ll be off work for 2 weeks. If they have to switch to open surgery, highly unlikely, I’ll be off work for up to 10 weeks. 2 weeks off I can almost survive financially. Almost. Up to 10 weeks and we’re fucked. Stress rises inside. I’m still working out with Fynn and regaining muscle and strength and it should help with recovery. Regardless my mood isn’t the best it could be.
Every year is like an extended Groundhog Day. Things come along and hit around the same time every year. I fight hard. I fight to keep afloat but it always happens. I’m in debt again. My plans to have money in my personal and business accounts by now have failed. I’ve worked as hard as ever but to no avail. I fight and fight but always hit a stumbling block. I push and push and make myself unwell just to keep my head above water but it’s failing. Maybe there is a God and maybe I’m being punished. I’ve been punished my whole life so why should things change now. I’m not a nice person no matter how hard I try to be decent and kind. I’m tired of this bipolarity and see that it will only get worse as I get older. I see it every year. I try to keep going and keep balanced yet I get pushed and pulled from all sides. There is no respite. I can see when things started to go wrong but there’s no way of going back in time. It is what it is. I have no choice now other than to keep going and work stupid hours. I know I’ll get tired. I know that it will affect my mental health again and I know I’ll probably break. Maybe I should just embrace the craziness of it all and let it flow. I have to work lots just to get the money in fast because I have an operation on 12th October so will be off work for at least 2 weeks. I’m not sure I’ll be ahead by then though. It’s all a huge mess.