Every year is like an extended Groundhog Day. Things come along and hit around the same time every year. I fight hard. I fight to keep afloat but it always happens. I’m in debt again. My plans to have money in my personal and business accounts by now have failed. I’ve worked as hard as ever but to no avail. I fight and fight but always hit a stumbling block. I push and push and make myself unwell just to keep my head above water but it’s failing. Maybe there is a God and maybe I’m being punished. I’ve been punished my whole life so why should things change now. I’m not a nice person no matter how hard I try to be decent and kind. I’m tired of this bipolarity and see that it will only get worse as I get older. I see it every year. I try to keep going and keep balanced yet I get pushed and pulled from all sides. There is no respite. I can see when things started to go wrong but there’s no way of going back in time. It is what it is. I have no choice now other than to keep going and work stupid hours. I know I’ll get tired. I know that it will affect my mental health again and I know I’ll probably break. Maybe I should just embrace the craziness of it all and let it flow. I have to work lots just to get the money in fast because I have an operation on 12th October so will be off work for at least 2 weeks. I’m not sure I’ll be ahead by then though. It’s all a huge mess.
