I never seem to post much these days. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because my memory seems pretty shit lately. I’m not sure if it’s the medication or the payback for the mania late last year into this year. Anyway I think I don’t post because I forget too. Also I’m growing lots more food and I think my brain is caught up with that a lot. Talking of medication, I’ve lowered it to 100mg from 200mg and it’s much better and I don’t feel like a zombie anymore.
Ok so back to bipolar. Hmm. I’ve been feeling pretty good lately although today has kicked the shit out of me and I’ve yoyoed a bit. The boiler at home has a leak which has gotten worse, the car has a water leak now too. And now the exhaust on the car is blowing. I have almost zero money in the bank. My wife hasn’t been paid and there’s hardly any food in the house. When will it all end? Why do I have to fucking struggle so much and why the fuck am I constantly punished. How come everyone else seems to have newer cars and things and never seem to struggle with money at all? How come they seem to. Breeze along through life and their shit smells like roses? What have I done? Someone please tell me because my fight has almost gone again and I can’t keep having all of these knocks in life. I work fucking hard for fuck all. Why? I’m so tired of putting on the smiley face and having to jog along pretending it’s all ok to everyone. I can’t even be bothered to do pricing or bills right now and I want to fuck off and run away again. I can’t keep pushing myself at work and life just to be tired and worn out and feeling like I’m going nowhere. I’m actually sick to death of it. If this is all there is to life then what is the point in it all?