Everything is pretty ok but I’m getting paranoid about money. It happens a few times each year and every time it happens I panick. I’m due a stage payment and it’s making me overthink and get paranoid. Paranoia is a shitty thing because it eats away at any se so le thought patterns and flows and replaced them with dark thoughts about people screwing me over or people trying to trigger me. I think people are manipulating things to get to me. It can be anything, stupid things, and it sends my brain I to overthinking. At least the weather is good because if it was full of rainy I could slip down. Why do I go around in circles? Life seems to be me going around in circles. I try to get ahead and work to hard then become unwell and get behind. I’m tired of it. Tired of always fighting for every penny. We have a boiler that’s leaking and could end up costing £3k. The car had some issues and has a leak again. Ive no money to fix the boiler. Why does it always happen that I have no money? I guess it all goes back to 2012 when I lost so much. Maybe even before that. Since then ive been fighting my way back but when I get near to getting back another wallop happens and then it’s back to zilch. I want out of this rat race. It’s all fake. Everyone is caught up in its falseness. It sickens me. I need to get off grid and work less. We work all our lives chasing money and dreams and paying tax. It’s too much of a struggle and too fake. Money is created out of thin air. It really is. Crazy. We’re killing the planet and killing countless other species daily yet most don’t give a fuck. They’re chasing the false god that is money. What a sick species humans are really. Killing each other over greed and letting others did needlessly. Ive had enough. I want out of this sick system. It’s broken. It’s fake and it’s stupid.
