From the depths of despair the beast awakens.

It’s time has come.

Blood flows through its veins.

Dark and bitter within.  

Smoke rises from the fires oh hell.

The power floods forth.

Will angels come to the fight once again?

The battles are long and hard.

Darkness falls as the light fades.

We all fade to black. 

Its dark, windy and cold. Winter is getting in full swing. Where are we headed as a world? Death? Destruction? Dark times ahead.

It’s 3am. It’s New Year’s Day. I’m sat on the side of a road.  I’ve got up, got dressed and had to leave.  My brain is playing up, bordering on psychosis at a guess. Not good. Everything is fucking up. Kara is drinking most nights. She’s getting sarky with me a lot. Funny nasty remarks when others aren’t around. Passive aggressive behaviour. It’s fucking me up. I’m not much better.  New Year’s Eve I was asleep by 10pm. There was no point staying up. She went to bed at 7:30 drunk and being sarky. I’ve had enough. I think I’ll put the house on the market and fuck it all off. I can’t be doing with it. The bills are too expensive. We should never have moved there. I was pressured to move even while my mum was dying. Fuck it all. Years later it’s no better.  My daughter wonders why I’m always grumpy. She’s up nearly all night. Our electricity is going up to over £400 a month. A.  Fucking. Month. Most of the bills I pay. Enough. It has to stop. My daughter is also drinking when she shouldn’t be. I wonder where she gets that from… do I go home or do I go fill up my van somewhere abd just go…

Edit. I’m home. I did manage to run a deer over on the way home. It’s neck broke. I reversed to check on it. I should have put it in the van for the freezer really.  I also haven’t mentioned the violent thoughts I’ve been having tonight of very graphic violences.  Not good.  I should sleep.  

Happy belated birthday C

Today is Remembrance Day. A day we remember those who fought and died for our freedoms. Freedoms that have been draining away fir the last 20 months. More will go. People are sacked for refusing to take an injection they don’t want. The government are seriously coercing people within the NHS to take it now. They’re threatening over 65’s that if they don’t have subsequent  boosters they will be banned from public places. Tyranny is alive a d well here in the UK. Maybe it’s the early days of fascism, abd I don’t say that lightly. Brother is fighting with brother. Neighbour disagreeing with neighbour. Some vaxxed calling unvaxxed dirty. This isn’t going to go down a nice path. It’s actually all pretty nefarious. If you don’t see it you need to start taking notice. Jewish people are feeling more threatened than ever in the UK by people entering the country illegally. UK lifeboats are going out into the Channel picking up illegal immigrants, usually men in their 20’s, and aren’t available for rescuing broken down fishermen, along with border force. Things are getting fucking shitty. The UK is in a very very dodgy place right now.  It’s NOT going to get better any time soon either.  Get prepared because we have a rogue government being influenced and controlled by outside forces. Lots of 2, 3 and 4 letter organisations are taking over the west. They’re all interwoven like a spiders web. A venomous spider at that. Depopulation is one of the end goals along with total control of people and resources.  It’s well underway already. Time is running out. 

It’ll soon be my birthday again. God time flys. Where has the last year gone? What has happened? What’s changed? So much to think about. 

We are living in the strangest times I have ever known.  I am the most mentally well I have been for a long while, slight dips but nothing unusual.  There’s far more going on than a virus. 2019 is a memory. Things are not intended to back to how they were then. It’s all a ‘new normal’ which is far from normal and has been planned for a long while. Articles and files have been written explaining it fir decades. Books too. They always tell you what they’re going to do. Depopulation is happening too. They want us fighting amongst each other and divided.  It’s how they win. It’s how they always push their twisted agendas through.  There’s more ‘vaccinations’ coming along with vaccine passports. Movements will be restricted more and more. If you’re double jabbed soon you’ll need a third shot or you’ll be classed as unvaccinated, look at Israel. Then a fourth. Then a fifth. Soon you’ll need the jabs to keep your immunity ok because you’ll be dependant on it as your immune system is shot to pieces. Experts have been silenced for speaking out but they still keep trying to warn of the dangers.  Soon people will look down on the unvaccinated as dirty. They’ll have to wear a badge or sticker when going into medical facilities, some are already refusing to treat non vaccinated in some countries.  How far down this road will you have to be before you see the global tyranny for what it is? It’s coordinated. Governments and leaders around the world are using the same catch phrases and buzzwords. Why? They’re hypnotising the masses. They’re brainwashing people through mass hypnosis. Just wait until they set up the ‘treatment camps’ for those refusing to go along with it all….

Ive realised I’m not as disciplined as I should be. I don’t meditate enough. I must meditate more to rid myself of the sheer sexual frustration I have. Loving in a sexless marriage isn’t easy and it’s not going to go away. I’m 46 and have realised I very soon need to make some serious decisions about my life. Can I survive the rest of it living in a sexless intimacy lacking marriage? Hmmm. My wife has told me she has zero interest in sex or intimacy and it won’t change.  It’s a cruel twist of fate in life and one that I seriously struggle with.  I feel selfish for thinking like this but how can, or should, one person decide what both people in a relationship will or will not do in that regard. I’m having to question how dead a relationship has to be for it to reach that level.

I think I need to meditate a lot more and need to bring much more discipline into my life again.  Magick seems to be calling me again too.  Maybe life is starting to show me a way forwards now.  I must ponder on this all much more I think.  

yesterday I had a conversation with my mother in law.  Several things came up, one of which was something my mum told her years ago and told her not to tell me. She’s been dead 13 years and I think it was quite some time before that that she told my mother in law. My Mother in law thought about telling me a couple of years ago but the time and opportunity never arose.  It’s shocking how a few sentences about things that happened when I was 6 or 7 have raked up a lot of memories.  Memories that were suppressed but some of them came back almost instantly. Talk about huge emotional build up in an instant! A few sentences that threw light on so many things and there will be many more memories that crop up.  Much more makes sense about my earlier life but it’s also started more confusion too.  I had very vivid dreams last night about people who died years ago.  I’ve woken up this morning to a slight headache and my ears are ringing badly.  I feel like although I slept I was actually awake in my dreams or I another reality.  So much more to figure out.  I think I need time away from lots of things to digest it all.  Sometimes we know ourselves pretty fully but don’t know about things that shaped that person from childhood.  More memories creep back in.  This shit is around 40 years ago but will maybe haunt me forever.  

It’s good Friday and I’ve worked a bit this morning.  I’ll do a bit more tomorrow too. Maybe Monday. It’s crazy busy tunes and all good.  All work and no play can be dull though. Maybe it’s time to make some time to play.  Mentally I’m in a great place.  I guess not having debts helps.  Happy Easter C.