I’ve not written since Friday.
Yesterday it took until 1:06pm until I realised I actually felt quite present. The morning head spent with racing thoughts, at times quite aggressive thoughts, thoughts of feeling down and feeling a little like a victim too.
I’ve realised that when I am very present I feel how I imagine most people feel most of the time, human. When I’m feeling good I feel superhuman, when I’m feeling down I feel like the scum of the earth and worthless. I liken this to high ritual magic and the seeking of conversation with ones holy guardian angel.
what is it to feel human or for that matter to be human?
I’be been a vegetarian for over 8 months, almost vegan, coffee free and alcohol free for that long too. I think that has helped me start to come to terms with how my mind is slightly different. I feel like I have more control now too, to a degree. Meditation and Qigong have helped hugely. I’ve meditated for years and years now. The more I meditate the more I start to understand myself. I seek enlightenment in this life too. Maybe by understanding myself much more I get much closer to it.
life never ceases to amaze me in both respects.
It’s 6:50am here and I went to sleep later than usual last night and have been up over an hour already. I’m feeling anxious about the day ahead. I’m very aware of the need to earn money and especially the need to organise a van very soon. I s chatted through with my wife and have decided not to hurry into a decision about fixing my van or buying a new one either. Usually when I rush a decision it can backfire in some ways, it hurts when it happens too, so much so it can feel like the world is ending and I then put even more pressure upon myself which speeds the drop off even more. It’s all a waiting game.
I consider myself a lucky person most of the time and things have a way of coming along exactly when needed. Sometimes I just push too much and can screw with that a bit. This time I need to let nature take its course and bring the right thing to me. It’s not easy though.
I usually like to be fully in control. I guess it’s one of my coping methods. I usually feel like I have to be the strong person and that can really take its mental toll. The few times when I have surrendered to letting others be fully in charge has brought about relief and nice new experiences in the end, but it’s very hard to allow that to happen. Sometimes it can be hard because I can get paranoid about how things will pan out, but as Bill Hicks said ‘Life is just a ride’ www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMUiwTubYu0
I have a saying, `nothing is real, everything is possible`
When I first started my own business things were pretty good but the longer I have been in business the more it would seem that people take longer to pay their bills. I always seem to be owed several thousand pounds. I do make sure that I have terms and conditions on my invoices stating that I own all materials until the invoice is paid in full. I have even heard of tradesmen going and removing things that they have fitted because a bill hasn`t been paid.
I have realised that people now expect even more for their money and think that they can take longer to pay too. Hopefully things will change soon!
I have learned never to be afraid to phone people and ask about where the payment is. If they owe you it then you shouldn`t be worried about asking for it. I have certainly had to harden up over the years. Some people ask how much they owe as you are finishing and others seem to want to wait until you have to ask for payment. Sometimes I feel like going around there and taking out what is mine. I guess there is a fine line between what is considered reasonable and what is considered threatening.
I’m feeling much better than I did earlier. I’m still without a van, which is affecting my work a lot. I’m not sure if I should buy another van or lease hire one instead. I can’t make a snap decision like I normally would as they usually backfire on me.
Sometimes I wish the world was much easier on everyone, that everyone actually could get on and help each other out. Instead it’s all about profit. Why do we care so much about costs and profits rather than if fellow man is ok? Why do we hoard so many ‘things’ ? Does it make us better people? Possessions don’t make you a good or a bad person. Being human does. Why can’t we all just be nice ?
i guess the world is just imperfect and won’t change in a hurry.
Up early again this morning and not sure what to do at all. My van that broke down yesterday is going to cost stupid amounts of money to get fixed that its probably not worth fixing. As usual I`m owed money and can`t afford another van either.
I really don`t know what to do right now
After having my van breakdown today my mind was all over the place and racing away trying to figure out the best solution to the issue. I wasted most of the day getting organised with getting it recovered and taken to the garage.
Once that was organised I decided to get the punchbag and skipping rope out. What a huge relief exercise is for my mind! I feel like I’m on a good level again now and I guess I’ll have to cope with whatever comes my way, like iI always do.
I used to bodybuild years ago and always loved the feeling in my mind and body. In fact bodybuilding, in part, led me to using visualisation and meditation, which I honestly believe frees oneself from monkey mind of all the day to day things and also can help me to be much more present and rounded as a person.
After waking up a little earlier than usual with some anxiety I put it behind me hoping to have a good day today. The sun is shinning and the weather is really nice. Good start so far.
We picked up the materials that we needed only to arrive at the job and realize that I had forgotten something, so I got in my van to pick up what was needed only to drive a few short miles and my van overheated….I managed to get off the side of the road. I sat there thinking why? Why ? Why is it every time something starts OK it has to screw up?
Sitting there my mind started to race so much that I felt horrendous and I managed to get picked up and am now waiting for it to get recovered. It feels like every time something goes OK or starts to something comes along and throws me right off where I feel I should be and I can`t control my thinking at all. It a huge struggle to keep my head above water. I`m sitting in my office having done no work as such today when it looked like a really really good day ahead. I`m waiting to get a call about the recovery of the van and Can`t slow my thinking at all. I would try to meditate but I know I`ll just end up more frustrated. My head feels like my brain has swollen to twice its normal size and I am tense to the point of feeling like I could easily go and break something..Maybe I need to get the punchbag out later.
I wish I could write exactly how it feels to think that everything is going wrong and that it feels like you are being punished constantly.
When things are going well I feel really good, really confident and can get too confident. I start to feel immortal and I feel like I can do everything and anything in the world.
One thing that has helped me to start to get a grip on my mind is meditation, another is brain training. I use Lumosity everyday and subscribed to their brain training program so that I can chart my progress. I use it on my laptop and my smart phone. The games seem a little simplistic but they increase the workload as you go along and It helps me to see that I`m helping my brain too. You can find it here www.lumosity.com
Meditation is the biggest key to being able to calm the mind and start to try to understand oneself. I have meditated for over 20 years now and I personally think that over the last 2 years it has helped get me through some really rough times. I have tried and use varying methods from Tibetan Buddhist to Taoist ( they crossover lots) to simply sitting still and allowing things to just do what they need to whilst my body has a chance to relax and release the tension that it is under.
I sleep for almost exactly 8 hours every night. Last night it was a little less as I woke up early feeling really anxious about the day ahead. I’ve found that if I don’t go to bed when I’m tired I fall asleep on the sofa and wake up after about an hour and go to bed, but the next day it’s had a really adverse affect on how my mind functions.
Routine is really important to me and I feel so stupid at times trying to keep some routine going.
I lay awake in bed this morning trying to figure out my day ahead and what work needs to get done, but as soon as I had it figured out I realised I’d missed something out! In the end I got up a little early and went to the toilet before doing my Qigong.
I feel much better for doing Qigong and meditating lots. I’ve not meditated enough this last week as my mind has been in hyperdrive going millions of mph! I guess I have far more high times than lows but when I drop a little I then seem to crash hard.
I’ve just meditated and feel slightly human now. I’m nuts getting started with writing this blog and am still finding my feet and still wondering how much to share or how much to say.
I’ve suffered lots of anxiety in the last few years and late 2012 into early2013 I had a few very paranoid episodes.
I’ve also wondered if my wife has munchausen by proxy and that I’m very normal and my feelings are a projection of her. That’s just crazy on my behalf, but until I spoke about it I believed it could easily be true.
I guess my mind is starting to do overtime again. It just keeps churning away at things. Meditation and Qigong do help me quieten it though.
I’ve been vegetarian for over 8 months now and alcohol and coffee free for about as long. It’s had quite an impact on how I can deal with things in life. Stress doesn’t hit me like it used to. Although it does still affect me very adversely.
I do still struggle with racing thoughts. I don’t get as angry though, well I don’t think I do. I can be very demanding on myself and on those working with me. I have started exercising again too which coupled with a good diet does ease things a little.