I’m in a reflective mood. I’m thinking about friends and family here, gone and out of contact. Life moves forwards but does it change? When people aren’t in touch anymore it’s all we can do I guess. Does life change? Really? Do we kid ourselves in life? Are we still just children but in adult body’s? Do we make or break contact? Do we move forwards? Is there truly a forwards? Maybe I’m just reflective.
I’m pushing hard to get ahead yet still behind. Money comes in and goes out. I payed the web hosting on my credit card as I couldn’t loose all that I’ve written in here over the years. One day I’ll go back to the start and read through. All I can do is keep going.
I’m missing contact with some friends but life is life. I’m never sure if I should see how they’re doing or not. Maybe it’d be unwelcome. Life.
I’m tired of everything. It can all fuck off. I’m tired of a sexless marriage. It’s cold. I’m tired of the coldness. I don’t think I can keep living like this. I’m 44. I’m not 94. I don’t think I can survive it any more. It’s time to reassess my life fully. The house is a shit hole. The garden is a shit hole. The boiler has been broken almost 2 1/2 years. I’m pretty much the sole earner now and I can’t jeep it going or together. I’m sick and tired of working my arse off for absolutely fuck all other than tax’s and bills. There’s never anything left. In fact it’s the opposite. I get more debt. I’m the one who has toshoulder it all. Always. Fuck it all. Oh and it’s 11 years ago since my mum died today. She was 53 if I die at that age I’ve not got long left. Maybe time to start thinking about living properly not in a cold shouldered relationship. Who knows.
Last Tuesday I had a doctors appointment for a med review. We chatted a few things through and talked about dosages etc. We’ve decided that I’ll lower my dose by half. So now I’m only on 50mg of lamotrigine. It’s a tiny amount. The idea is that I’ll stick with it a few months and in maybe 6 months I’ll try coming off completely, unless I’ve had to up my dose again. It’ll have some roughness with it, which I’ve noticed a bit already, due to the change in chemistry in my brain. I’m happy to come off if I can keep reasonably stable. All ok so far bar minor blips but that’s ok.
Work is busy and itslooking like a busy year ahead with a few possible changes involved too. However at the moment money is beyond tight. I’ve had to set up a payment plan with HMRC as I’ve not been able to pay my tax and it was over due. Luckily they took onboard my reasons. Having the operation cancelled and then actually having it a month away from Christmas has seriously thrown things into disarray. I also had to put off Decembers mortgage payment. I now have to top up payments over the next 3 months. It’s tight but I think I’ll be ok. I’m trying not to stress but it’s tight. It’s possible that this blog might have to disappear as it’s up for renewal on 11th. I’ll try finding a way of sorting it so it doesn’t go but if it does I hope I’ll be able to bring it back online. If not I wish you all well.
It’s Christmas Day tomorrow. I love and hate this time of year. There’s a whole lost of why for both sides of it. The stress that is parents place on ourselves is absolutely stupid and crazy. The stress others put on us by telling us to do this or that ‘because it’s christmas’. The ‘trying to do what’s right’. The buying of presents and trying to keep to a budget but feeling shit as we’ve only spent £X pounds etc. I love my kids and do love buying them Christmas presents but I don’t feel it has to be Christmas to tell them I love them, treat them or spend time with them. So much tears at me. I wish my parents were alive to see my kids grow up. It really does deeply sadden me that they won’t know the grandparents on this side of the family. I feel I was let down in some ways as a kid and now feel that I’m kind of letting them down as my parents are dead. It’s crazy. It’s stress. Hey ho.
I’m sick of all the shit in my life. Next year, early new year, I’m going to be making some very drastic changes to my life. I need to be better at protecting my kids. I walk on eggshells. It’s funny how in a family everyone seems to have an issue that needs addressing bar one person. There’s a common denominator in it all yet that common denominator is the one who refuses help and refuses to admit any faults. Yet they are the ones always finding issue with the others. It’s going to stop. It’s going to finish. No more passive aggressive or aggressive behaviour, especially when drunk or 2-3 days after getting drunk. The patterns are there. They’ve been shown yet nothing is done to rectify. Enough. I’ve had enough. It’s also tipping my mind now and I’m needing less sleep. I was awake at 3am and ready to get up. How I got back to sleep I’ll never know other than knowing it wouldn’t be good for my mental health. I’m skint. This house bleeds me dry mentally, emotionally and physically. Fuck it all. It can all fuck off. I’m sick of working hard for nothing, zero, zilch.
How to know when or if. Drudgery. Blah blah blah. Is there a castle in the sky? Is there a meaning? A higher meaning? Is it all convoluted ? Brackish waters everywhere. Tread on or be trodden on. It’s breakjng down. Signal faint. Is there anybody out there in there.
I think I’m slipping into a bit of depression. It’s been quite a long while. I think it’s due to the op. Post op depression. The anaesthetic etc have worn me out a bit. I’m back at work again, I shouldn’t be but needs must, although I’m going very easy and doing part days. Money is fucking tight. How we will cope over Christmas I don’t know. I might work between Christmas and new year which I’ve never had to do before. I guess everything is catching up with me. Fuck it
Yesterday morning when I woke up I remembered I’d had bad dreams and broken sleep and had a slight pain in my side where my gallbladder used to play up. I figured it was aghast pain and maybe the cause of the dreams coupled with the after effects from the operation. That was until I had a look on Facebook. I looked at the memories bit on there and yesterday was 2 years exactly since the first attack of billiard colic and the start of my gallbladder issues. Maybe the body has a memory that we don’t always register? Who knows. Anyway I stayed in bed all day yesterday until evening. I did fuck all other than sit on Facebook or YouTube. I couldn’t be arsed with anything and my mood wasn’t great. It was a wet horrible day too so that didn’t help. Today I’ve already been out in the woods for a mile or so walk and already been ticking things off my to do list for today. It’s satisfying. One way or another I’m going to go to work tomorrow even if it’s just for a few hours. I can then form a plan from there. I certainly need to be getting the money in. Progress with the after op recovery is going well mostly and I still have pain and some swelling in my lower stomach so I’ll keep an eye on that. I’m hoping that’s all it is and that I’ve not torn something internally. Maybe I’m expecting my body to heal faster than it can as its only a week and a half since the operation.