It’s 3 years to the day that my dad died. I’ve been aware of it but I’ve kind of been trying to keepvery occupied and busy. Today I’m veryaware if it. I made a slight error this morning too. Partly because I’m tired but also because I’m highly aware of today’s date.  I’ve had exceptional energy again the last 2 weeks and my sleep hasn’t been 8 hours every night. In fact I’m functioning very well on 5-6 at the minute but I’m aware that I need to bring it back in line. I will. 

It’s taken some time to be who I am. To accept myself as I am. Yet I still strive towards bettering myself.  Things still get to me.  Things still raise emotions in me.  I still react to certain stimuli and certain people/things.  I’m honest with myself.  I know most of my flaws. And there are many. I’m hard on myself.  I’m hard on others, but less so. I punish myself. I push myself. I love hard. I play hard. I don’t suffer fools easily yet I play the fool when someone thinks they are deceiving me. I’m gifted with an IQ of 148 yet sometimes can’t remember a fucking thing.  Life isn’t very fair.  Most people live in a bubble.  Most people fool themselves. I don’t want to be most people. I’m happy I’m me.  Life is good. Not always but for now it’s good.  

It’s been a while since I last posted. Life is good. I’m avoiding triggers still but need to do so less and less as very little triggers me these days. Also I know when to back away and when not to react to things. My sleeping is still good and most things are good. I have however had a few flare ups with biliary colic caused by my gallstone.  I’ve seen a surgeon and am awaiting a date for an operation.  It’s shown me how far I have come and how I don’t get too much paranoia these days either. A year or more ago, certainly two, I would of been paranoid that this was part of a ‘plan’ to keep me unwell and to kill me or maybe harvest organs while under anaesthetic.  I have no fears like that whatsoever. I would also of feared any needles near me.  I over came that when I had a blood test early last year and also when the paramedic did a blood sugar test on me.  I have had to take a good dose of codeine a few times to handle the pain but that’s ok and mostly it’s not much of an issue.

 I’m sure I’ll never be ‘cured’ but that’s ok too. I don’t want to loose some of the ‘crazy’ because I like it but the worst of it can stay away. All in all life is good, for now,  and I don’t fear anything.  Death is just a doorway anyway. 

Is it worth the effort to simply keep pushing and keep going in a world that is pitted against us?  I feel like the more I try to get ahead or push forwards in life the more it takes out of me.  I try to never give up but there must come a point where keeping going simply isn’t worth the effort. Maybe just getting by is all I have left within myself. What really is the point/reason of and for life? We are pitted against a ‘machine’ that just keeps rolling and rolling. It churns away taking our time and our life up.  We reach retirement with our best years gone. For what end!  I’m tired. 

Sometimes the best thing one can do is retreat into oneself.  Self defence.  I don’t think I’m a people person.  

It’s still snowy here, we’ve had almost a week of bad weather, and it’s starting to get to me.  We’ve hardly been out. I’ve not worked a full week either.  I’d not want to be stuck on a space station that’s for sure.  Maybe it’s because I have a cold as well as the ground being frozen that I feel like this.  There’s very little I can do outside.  I’ve pottered about in the polytunnel but that’s about it.   I’ve had biliary colic a bit for the last 2 days as well.  I guess I ought to go back to the doctors again and see what they think. It was mentioned that if it flares up again I could get referred for surgery.  I’d rather avoid that but I’d also not want it to get a bit more serious.  

Goals have been slower lately.  I need to whip myself back into shape and crack on.  No point just lingering in life.  I need to push myself along.  I guess once the sun comes out again I’ll get an energy boost and get lifted.  I feel slow. Too slow.  I need energy again.  It’ll happen I’m sure.  Maybe I need more outside contact again.  I have no contact with friends really. I’m not sure I have close friends or special now.  Such is life.  Easy to loose contact. 

I’m waking up about 5:30 most mornings now but sometimes earlier.  I think some of it is a little anxiety but not sure.  Maybe my sleep patterns have changed a bit.  Who knows.  I think some of it is down to having lots of work to price, which is good, and some of it is a bit of an off shoot of getting low on meds just over a week ago and eking them out a bit by taking half dose.  The lower dose did affect me and it’s made me realise that if and when I come off them I’m going to have to taper off gently.  Dropping down to half over night isn’t great and was bumpy as hell.  I felt like I was going to start an episode but now think it was more the sudden change in meds amount that hit me instead.  My confidence hasn’t been as high as usual the last week either.  I’m getting back on track again now though and I knew that a few days of lower meds then going back to full would take at least a week to get over.  I had wondered if it was psychosomatic but I’m quite sure it was as I have kept to my usual strict routine.   My mourning routine is the thing that keeps me on a good path.  It sets me up for the day ahead.   Once I’ve been up for an hour or so my body and mind catch up with each other and wake up properly together.     I’m also quite aware that it’s usual to feel edgy this time of year as it’s just been both of my children’s birthdays and in just over another week it will be the 10th anniversary of my mum dying.   It’s usually a tricky time regarding my mind.  I’m still in a pretty good place regardless of a few strange dreams that have involved certain threats to myself.  

I’ve been waking up a bit earlier than usual for a few days. This morning I was awake at 4am but dozed off and woke up several times before getting up at 6am. I’ve noticed my mood has been slightly different for a few days. Some of this I put down to the mornings starting to get light earlier and some of it down to only taking half my usual dose of Lamotrigine for a few days as I was running out.  Some of it is down to my children’s birthdays and the anniversary of my mother dying. I’m being watchful anyway. Also my wife is rubbing me up the wrong way and I’m biting my lip over a few things with her.  I guess that’s life. I’m not sure I’d want to live with me when I’m irritable or tired let alone in an episode.  I’ve decided to kick my own arse a bit again as a few things were slipping. Hitting my goals for one and also keeping on top of paperwork as well. Such is life. At least I’m not off my head so to speak and am able to keep a good amount of focus on it all. 

Ive been mulling lots over the last few days.  I’ve been thinking about life and death and what a human existence is really about.  My own existence mostly I guess but humans in general.  Even animals.  Maybe even the whole universe.  What are we really and where does everything really come from?  For now I’m happy to let them be as they are, and that’s kind of fleeting thoughts, thoughts that I don’t follow too deeply as it can be a rabbit hole.  I’m not too interested in going down another rabbit hole again.  Anyway so I’ve been musing it a little while at work.  

Work is very busy and my plans are still going kind of as I had planned.  I’ve forgotten a few little things the last few days.  Things like stretching in the morning and also writing out my daily work goals on my phone so I can tick things off as I go along.  I usually set time targets for certain jobs too.  I feel I’ve drifted a little as I’ve not written them out but I’ve still been really busy and productive.  I’m still mostly on track with my morning and daily routines but I will write out my normal morning routine on my phone or iPad later.  One thing I have been doing is checking emails not long after getting up at 6 ish instead of waiting until after 7.  I even had thoughts about Facebook and some Facebook friends today but realised my mind wasn’t focused and was trying to trick me back down the Facebook road.  I quickly took can the of it again though so all good.  I certainly don’t miss all of the online drama anymore or the paranoia that it can bring.  

 I’d better write out my morning routine while I think of it now.  

Today I had an appointment with my cpn.  He came to mine, he normally does as it’s easier for us both and it’s on his way home.  He was a bit late but that was ok. We chatted about things and where I’m at. We spoke about Christmas and things.  He asked about the plans I had before Christmas regarding property etc and I said the plans are still in place and how I’m hitting goals etc.  He told me how impressed and in awe of how I’ve done and how much I can do. He’s pretty amazed at how well I cope and how I keep myself well. We even talked about possibly going med free at some point.  He’s a really nice bloke but in a way I hope I don’t see him again in a professional manner because I’m now discharged from mental health services! I’m discharged! That’s so cool. I’m really happy.  It’s shown me how far I’ve come and how much I’ve worked through.  I can get referred back to services by my GP if I ever need to in the future, I was discharged before briefly, but I’m hoping that this time it’s permanant or certainly much much longer!  I’m getting used to feeling this well and being level isn’t so boring after all.  I still have lots of good energy and I have my DRIVE back again.  I have some direction and lots of goals to hit.  It’s all good.