What to write. I’m knackered yet I’ve been able to keep a really good pace at work. I’ve taken myself off Facebook again, probably only briefly though, and am needing some headspace. I’m reading lots about stoicism and am trying to be less reactive and watch my thoughts more. I downloaded a PDF of Marcus Aurelieus’s ‘meditations’ and have read a little but not got very far as I’ve been reading other things online. I’m trying to keep watchful over my thoughts as they can, obviously, take over. It’s not easy as one can slip back into old thought patterns quite quickly. It will take time and I have to just accept it all. I will keep going.
My head is a bit spaced out because I’m tired and I’m also aware that I have to break the circle of patterns in my life. One of which is a 2 year cycle of going extremely high or manic. This is the year it is due. It’s usually from now onwards that I start to sky rocket and I’m aware of it and also aware of how well I’m doing in keeping reasonably balanced and level. I’ve kind of been here before though and tricked myself into believing that it’s all ok and I’m good etc. This time however I do honestly believe I can break the cycle and move forwards with life. This feels like a test of sorts but this time I’ve been doing my homework and am more than prepared. I’m being cautious about how much work I’m taking on but am still pricing lots. It will keep good. I will stay well this time and nobody will get to me for too long now.
I’m ready for my day and week ahead. I’m ready for it and I’m not anxious. I am slowly finding ways of coping with my anxieties and my monkey mind. I’ll never win fully but I will keep going. I’m creating new ways of thinking and keeping reasonably rigid ways with work. I have been reading about Stoicism and it is a help. I’ve found out that it’s the basis of CBT as well so it’s all very interesting. My sleep patterns had been slightly disturbed and I have had a couple of weeks or o of a very mini high. I’ve nipped it in the bud and now see a way forwards. I’ve had a few shocks the last couple of weeks by people doing things that I didn’t kind of expect but at the same time I expect the unexpected so it should be of no surprise to me. I have also heard about a big job which I had been waiting to hear about and life is good again. I fact lots of work has come in and I need to focus more on work and less on social media and less on others.
I had another session with my psychologist on Friday. It was hard work yet again but very productive. I know have a prospectus for the ‘recovery college’ and might see about a few courses and maybe I will eventually help run some too. I’m yet undecided. One thing I did do is stop off on my way home and record myself an uploaded it to YouTube. I’ll add a link and maybe it’ll be of benefit to others. Who knows?
Anxiety. Again. Thoughts of what can go wrong in life. Again. I’m highly strung at the minute and a few things have set me off. Although I’ve come along way with recovery from my last episode outside things and people still affect me and they still try to exert control over me. It’s a fine line in knowing if I’m in control or if I’m loosing control. Coping mechanisms are good but maybe they over compensate and over work themselves creating a false reality and false hope. I’m tired. Others still seem to push me. It’s that time of year yet again. Every year. How to break the cycles of the mind. I’ve been sitting here working out how things used to be. How I used to have thousands in the business and my personal account too. I’ve been working out or thinking or even wondering how things might of been had I not, had we not, of sold our last house and moved. It’s a fight. Often it feels like a fight I cannot win. I keep going but it will all kill me. Slowly. Others exert their pressure and bit by bit it’s taking me down. It’s cutting my roots through. My mind. What a bastard.
Yesterday I had an appointment with my psychologist at 3pm. On my drive up there I had a voicemail from her at about 2:30 asking if I was ok as I don’t ever miss appointments. I phoned her back, after stopping my van and yes I do have hands free. She had 2pm in her diary but the paper she wrote out for me had 3pm on it. I had quite a few things I needed to discuss with her. Things that had bottled up over the past week. Last night and this morning I’ve been a grumpy mess and felt I’ve been slipping. I’ve come back to bed instead of going to do an hours work, I’ll do it later, and have felt the need to just vegetate a bit. My emotions and mood have been a bit all over the place since a couple of things affected me this week and something just popped a bit. I cannot get unwell again and coming back to bed will hopefully nip things in the bud. I was certainly feeling like I was on the verge of slipping into an episode and this may well be the start of some blips before one but it is what it is. I can’t simply switch bipolar off. It doesn’t work that way. I can however use some healthy coping mechanisms instead of bad ones. A year or more ago I might of decided that I’d have a drink last night or tonight but I can’t and won’t. It affects me for a whole week and I think and am aware that I don’t want that anymore. Initially it felt boring but it’s outweighed by being able to cope better and recover from blips better. Anyway time to switch a few things off.
On a side note, an ego trip I guess, this blog now has 2993 subscribers which is shocking. Very shocking. Wow.
I have another appointment with the psychologist this afternoon. There’s still so much to talk about. This is the last of the booked sessions again, we book 5-6 week blocks each time, and I have the option of reducing them or continuing. I thought I was doing really well until something really threw me the other day. It brought lots up about things from when I was last really unwell and it showed me how I’m getting stronger but also showed how others can still affect me and my mental health. I’m going to put up more safety barriers. There are too many people in life who play games and too many who abuse others. Abuse comes in many forms too and control does. I’m not sure if it’s the modern world or if it’s just me but I seem to encounter more than my share of narcissists. They’re a particularly controlling entity. They abuse and control and it’s always ‘me me me’ and lots of ‘I want this, I need x y and z and I have to have such and such’. It’s part of the reason I have remained off mental health groups as well as normal waking life. I’ve seen many appear on them and abuse people who are mentally unwell. Anyway I need to gain control over who I let into my mind because others have warned me in the past and even though warned I don’t always see it. Narcs, psychopaths and sociopaths everywhere. I don’t need that shit.
Work is busy again and I’m trying to keep some good perspective there. It got a little tricky last month as I had pencilled in a big job but heard no more about it. It’s all part of running a business I guess.
Anxiety has woken me up again. Its been a while but it’s come to say hello. I need some answers in life. I need to earn more money and kneed more work to come in. I feel like I’m at the edge of loosing what we have. I’ve been here before and recovered from it. I’m almost at the hilt with my business overdraft. It’s sickening. I got too complacent as someone had pencilled me in for a lot of work and I had priced it only to not hear a single thing back. As I had it pencilled in its left a hole in my diary. I couldn’t fill it with work properly and now money is an issue yet again. So now anxiety has come along to fuck with me. Some other stuff has gone on too which has taken the safety net that I did have away. All I can do is put the mask back on and try to keep going. I don’t know how I’m even going to keep our house warm this winter. I guess I have to trust that something will come along and will be of help.
I’m still seeing the psychologist every fortnight and she has told me several times that I’m in the high risk bracket for suicide. She’s also said a few times about complex PTSD too. It would seem that every time she thinks she kind of knows me I somehow throw something out that hits her or shocks her. Such is life.
After a few weeks sinking into depression I’m back. I’m fucking awesome. I’m an unstoppable machine. Superman returns. Latitude was superb and just what I needed. I wasn’t sure I was going until not long before we left. Had I not of gone I might well of tried to kill myself because that’s where my mood was at and I had been quietly contemplating life and death.
I’m feeling like an egg sitting over a precipice. Will I stay on the edge and stable or will I fall over down into the abyss and crack. So much is and has been going on in life yet I feel calm about it and thats what worries me a bit. Often when it’s all calm and I feel like I’m handling things is when I’m getting built up inside. There’s a level of surealness in life at the moment. It’s not disconnection. I am however questioning who and what I am and what life is about for me. What does life hold for me? I keep pushing forwards but things keep coming up and hitting me one thing after another. It’s like wading through thick mud and shit. It never seems any easier. I keep plodding along hoping it will end soon and things will be ok. Every time I make plans or plan ahead something or someone scuppers them. Work is just about ticking along but I expected to be flat out busy right now. A couple of things haven’t gone to plan and it’s left me hanging a bit. I’d pencilled a job in which should take a couple of months but am left hanging now as I’ve not heard anything back even though I was told I would by now. I’m wary of taking too much more on incase I then get the go ahead and end up too busy to cope properly. I think I’ll just have to keep taking things on and keep going. I know in the past work has always been forthcoming. It’s tricky because my plans are disrupted and right now I need the stability. The knock to my confidence and plans has caught me out a little and I’m now questioning how much I charge yet I’m probably not making or charging what I should be and maybe only what I was making maybe 7-8 years ago now. It’s head fuck. A knock makes me cut my bills back or get behind on bills and that knocks me back further. The safety net Isis have is now gone too due to another situation in life. It’s scary right now. So much going on and planned but now no money todo it and no way to back out.
I think I might be heading unwell. I’ve not been at my best for a couple of weeks. Mild depression. I’m trying to keep going. I’m being pushed and pulled. I’m trying to do right by and for others but it never works. I’ve thought about a few things and ways out. I’m constantly tired and I’m worn out and had enough of lots of things. I need some serious head space. I need to work through so many things. So many things right from childhood. It might just be a blip. I’m sure ill be ok as I always have to be.
I saw my cpn at my home 2 weeks ago and then last week I saw the psychiatrist and my cpn tighter on Thursday then I saw my psychologist on Friday. Psychiatrist said I can reduce medication soon. Psychologist said I continue to throw surprises her way and that I had really shocked her at the previous visit when she asked if I ever have thoughts of suicide and I explained how often. She told me I’m high risk. I guess everything I do in life has a risk.
I’ve had chest pains in the night. Maybe someone’s slowly killing me. I’ve wondered about how I’m affecting my children and about how they will cope. I think my wife wants me dead. I can’t explain anything to her. I have no friends anymore either. I’m told I can phone the hospital at any time. I’m not sure how bad I’m supposed to be before I phone them so how do I know? Also I guess it will be marked down and show that I’m not coping at times? A black mark perhaps?
So much I could say or write but I’m not sure I should and I’m not sure it’s the right place.