I can’t remember when I last posted or if it was worth posting. Anyway. It doesn’t matter.  Ive been hyper manic. I feared it would start going into mania. So tonight I lost it. I popped. I know it can happen buy it upset my family and it upset me too. I start meds on Friday. Lamotrigine. I’m hoping they will help. I’m not sure they will but it’s worth a try. So where was I?  It’s been a very weird few days the last 2-3 days. Ive upset people. Ive fallen out with people. Ive shut people out. Ive blocked people. Bonkers bonkers bonkers.  Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. I talk too much shit. Oh yes. I did a Mensa home test on Sunday. I finished it with s few minutes to spare too.  It’ll give me some idea of what my IQ is. Last one I did when I was maybe 16 registered IQ of 136. Who knows what it’ll be this time. Probably rubbish. I’m tired. I’m so tired of things. 

Yet again I’m back to feeling superb after a day and a bit or so of feeling very mixed with a lot of anger too.  It’s good to be back here and I need to get my diet even cleaner and my sleep back on track again. I also need to keep a closer eye on myself and keep blogging away. Noting down feelings and triggers is a great way to become more aware of them.    

I am not sure that I will be accepting the offer of medication from the psychiatrist for now. I’m pretty sure I will still have the offer open for the future. For now I need to get my head back on track fully myself. I’m sure medication he,ps lots of people but I’m fearful of clouding my mind and it’s free thinking. I know I’m different and I know I’m wired differently too. I accept that. I accept that sometime I’m unwell and that I have to take time off work too. I also accept that I work too hard and too long a lot of the time.  I’m going to slowly make some changes and keep moving forwards with life and with business.    

I enjoy being me even though not everyone else likes me. Haha. That’s life. I can’t please everyone. I never will and I have to accept that too. Also I get angry at times and am going to start working out and exercising again because it really helps me control anger and aggression.  I don’t think I’ve dealt with it enough or acknowledged it fully either. I’m becoming a better version of myself all of the time. Life is good again. 

I saw the psychiatrist on Monday which was great, funny and very good. She told me I have bipolar 1. Id figured as much myself. She also told me I’m hyper manic. Yep. Knew that. Haha. I’m feeling awesome again. I didn’t realise the depression had gotten a hold on me again.

So the psychiatrist wants me to consider medication to stop or slow me from the full mania. I explained what I don’t want from Meds and that didn’t leave much room for suggestion. In fact it only left one med. Lamotrigine. So I’m actually considering it. If I can keep the most awesome parts of me but loose deep depression and the worst parts of mania then I’m in…but it’s not so simple. Side effects. Hmm. Id rather not have any thank you very much but they do go hand in hand with any chemical introduced to the body and brain. So I have a few days to do my own research before she calls me back to talk further. I would like another face to face really but I know that mental health in the UK is very stretched and it’s probably not easy to get an appointment. I’m sure she would enjoy another meeting as it was highly entertaining for both of us. She was a little surprised that I’m intelligent and know my stuff. Lots to think about. 

I can’t remember when I last posted. I promised myself that I should keep posting regardless. I guess ive lacked get up and go. Ive lacked inspiration. My mojo has been stolen. Ive struggled. Yesterday I didn’t work. This morning I only worked briefly. Ive got loads I could and should be doing but ive not got the inspiration for it. I need a high. I know what I’m kind of doing subconsciously  I think. I think I’m building up stress so that I HAVE to pull my finger out. The last 2-3 days ive had an upset stomach too. Ive not taken vitamin d for several days either. Lacking mojo.

  Ah yes my last post was about struggling. Ive been doing that alright. Struggling that is. I need summer. I need to be high. I need to be doing 10-12 hour days and growing food. I need to be passionate and inspired. I need to stop panicking if my wife has been drinking wine. To stop overthinking that she’s cross if she’s had a drink. There’s so much I need to change. It’s crazy. I’m crazy. I’m in bed again. How can I inspire myself? I tried by setting some goals but it’s not working. Ive tried to be inspired by earning money but it’s not helping. Money doesn’t make me happy. I’m scared that I lack interest in work. How much longer can I work? I need to change to something inspiring. Maybe I should become a counsellor. Ive thought it often enough. Or study particle physics. I’m intelligent and find it hard to work out if I really could do these things or if I’m delusional yet again. I also know I can do anything if I put my kind to it.  I’m obsessing about aliens and ufo.’so at the minute. I need a holiday. I need escape. I need help. But what help? Fuck. I don’t know. I’m back on facebook and also back on the bipolar group on there. It’s crazy. I go around and around in circles. Every year is the same. Will it be like this until I’m dead? Just work, craziness and debt. I have too much debt and not enough joy now. Fuck. I need to get inspired and clear my debts. Ive close to £3000 on the credit card plus an over draft. Fuck. Shit. Am I ever in control?

still struggling. 

I’m struggling. Tired tired lots too. Too much mixed.  

I’m on a ride and I can’t get off.  Even though I want to get off I can’t.  I need to work even more to earn even more money. I’m tired. It’s not even a normal ride.  It’s a roller coaster and Even though I am an adrenaline junkie I don’t like roller coasters. I’ve been too snappy lately and far too weak and weak minded.  I’m  indecisive over too many things lately too. I need a holiday.  I need a holiday from everything.  Most of all I need a holiday from myself.

There’s death everywhere. Last week a friends partner died. She was in her thirties. Yesterday we went for a walk on the marshes and saw one of my dad’s old friends on the way back with his granddaughter who is almost 6. She chatted to us and told us that she had some bad news.  Her mum had died on Saturday.  I felt like giving her a big hug and saying everything will be ok but I dint give her a hug and everything won’t be ok.  Life is cruel like that. Very cruel. That’s 2 little girls I know of who in the last week have lost their mums.  What a cruel world.  

  I want to curl up in a corner somewhere and disappear into nothingness.  I’m tired.  Feeling like this reminds me of a reoccurring dream I sometimes have of being in a local churchyard and as I walk down the graveyard I walk into the earth deeper with each step.

   I think I’ve been punished in this life for even small mistakes. I say have been.  I mean I am being.

 Everyone wants a piece of my when I’m really high and busy and getting things done. My ears are ringing. My throat feels dry and sore again. My body is warm.  All of the signs are there yet again. Where am I headed this time.  Maybe in an hour or two I’ll be ok again. 

It’s Sunday already and I’m feeling great. Things are good. I’ve done a few bits and pieces at home this morning. Some things in the garden and some minor repairs to things too.  It’s all good.  

Yesterday ( all my troubles seemed so far away….blah blah blah ) I had a bit of strange day.  I ended up having a very confused and paranoid state as well as some mood shifts.  I went to the local petrol station and filled my van up but when I looked for my wallet it wasn’t in the glove box whee it should of been. I looked but couldn’t find it.  I was panicked because it’s the wallet with my business debit card in.  Luckily I had my personal wallet with my credit card in so although paranoid and panicked at least I could pay.  I got home and couldn’t find my wallet where it should be if not in my van. I looked in the van again after thinking it must of been stolen and there it was in the glove box. It was right where I had looked at the garage too.  Either I was so confused, I was in a real crazy mental state and a customer even noticed which is unusual, or I was bloody blind briefly or at worst aliens or magic had transported it to another dimension to fuck with me only to put it back when I went to look again.  Maybe it was aliens or magick. Things can happen like that and sometimes do happen to me.   Anyway so the rest of yesterday I was a bit mixed I would say. I was up but grumpy, wired but tired too.  

So today I’m doing kind of ok although shattered and wired again. My stepdaughter came around this morning and I was full of life and chatty which was good.  It beats me being miserable when she’s here or moody !  I felt like my mouth couldn’t keep up with my brain because my head was fast. 

It’s Friday. Woohoo. Maybe a weekend off but maybe not. Lots to do but also if it’s wet I might not be able to do it.  I should be helping someone else but it’s all outside stuff. Anyway if it’s wet or windy it’s probably a no no.

   Last night I was going to watch a dvd with my son and he wanted to watch Sherlock.  I grabbed what I thought was the box only to discover it wasn’t Sherlock I’d picked up but Surrvivors instead. I looked at it and realised I couldn’t remember buying it then I realised not only had I bought it when I was manic I had watched it all too. The whole first series. I think I must of watched it in one night or two. I can only just vaguely remember. Very vaguely at that.  Had I not of found the dvd box I wouldn’t of known about it! Then I looked and saw a few other DVDs that I can’t remember buying! I’ve also used the credit card a lot. It must be up to over £2k on it now and I think it was at zero about 6-7 weeks ago.  Luckily I’ve got lots of work on and I can get it paid off over the next few months.  I know it’s no good hiding from this shit anymore. 

It’s my sons birthday today and he’s doing well. He’s still not going to school but things are moving in the right direction to get him the help he needs.    

I’ve been a bit buzzy the last few days and also very thoughtful.  A friends partner passed away yesterday morning and I’m thinking about him a lot. I’m trying to help him as best I can and its reminded me how much death affects me.  Often it can trigger me to think about living for today and not think  too far ahead. It has caused me issues in the past several times. I’m trying to  keep a good eye on myself anyway.  

Work is going well and things are looking good for this year. I need to put my pricing up yet again. I’ve lots of work ahead of me so still a slave to the wage. As usual my plans change. I think my plans now are to save up money and get out of the overdraft and pay off the credit cards yet again….once I can get some savings together I hope to start thinking far more about off grid living again and a full permaculture self sufficient place to live.  I guess I’m pretty positive at the minute. Woohoo. Life is good even if it’s only a game.