I’m struggling. Tired tired lots too. Too much mixed.  

I’m on a ride and I can’t get off.  Even though I want to get off I can’t.  I need to work even more to earn even more money. I’m tired. It’s not even a normal ride.  It’s a roller coaster and Even though I am an adrenaline junkie I don’t like roller coasters. I’ve been too snappy lately and far too weak and weak minded.  I’m  indecisive over too many things lately too. I need a holiday.  I need a holiday from everything.  Most of all I need a holiday from myself.

There’s death everywhere. Last week a friends partner died. She was in her thirties. Yesterday we went for a walk on the marshes and saw one of my dad’s old friends on the way back with his granddaughter who is almost 6. She chatted to us and told us that she had some bad news.  Her mum had died on Saturday.  I felt like giving her a big hug and saying everything will be ok but I dint give her a hug and everything won’t be ok.  Life is cruel like that. Very cruel. That’s 2 little girls I know of who in the last week have lost their mums.  What a cruel world.  

  I want to curl up in a corner somewhere and disappear into nothingness.  I’m tired.  Feeling like this reminds me of a reoccurring dream I sometimes have of being in a local churchyard and as I walk down the graveyard I walk into the earth deeper with each step.

   I think I’ve been punished in this life for even small mistakes. I say have been.  I mean I am being.

 Everyone wants a piece of my when I’m really high and busy and getting things done. My ears are ringing. My throat feels dry and sore again. My body is warm.  All of the signs are there yet again. Where am I headed this time.  Maybe in an hour or two I’ll be ok again. 

It’s Sunday already and I’m feeling great. Things are good. I’ve done a few bits and pieces at home this morning. Some things in the garden and some minor repairs to things too.  It’s all good.  

Yesterday ( all my troubles seemed so far away….blah blah blah ) I had a bit of strange day.  I ended up having a very confused and paranoid state as well as some mood shifts.  I went to the local petrol station and filled my van up but when I looked for my wallet it wasn’t in the glove box whee it should of been. I looked but couldn’t find it.  I was panicked because it’s the wallet with my business debit card in.  Luckily I had my personal wallet with my credit card in so although paranoid and panicked at least I could pay.  I got home and couldn’t find my wallet where it should be if not in my van. I looked in the van again after thinking it must of been stolen and there it was in the glove box. It was right where I had looked at the garage too.  Either I was so confused, I was in a real crazy mental state and a customer even noticed which is unusual, or I was bloody blind briefly or at worst aliens or magic had transported it to another dimension to fuck with me only to put it back when I went to look again.  Maybe it was aliens or magick. Things can happen like that and sometimes do happen to me.   Anyway so the rest of yesterday I was a bit mixed I would say. I was up but grumpy, wired but tired too.  

So today I’m doing kind of ok although shattered and wired again. My stepdaughter came around this morning and I was full of life and chatty which was good.  It beats me being miserable when she’s here or moody !  I felt like my mouth couldn’t keep up with my brain because my head was fast. 

It’s Friday. Woohoo. Maybe a weekend off but maybe not. Lots to do but also if it’s wet I might not be able to do it.  I should be helping someone else but it’s all outside stuff. Anyway if it’s wet or windy it’s probably a no no.

   Last night I was going to watch a dvd with my son and he wanted to watch Sherlock.  I grabbed what I thought was the box only to discover it wasn’t Sherlock I’d picked up but Surrvivors instead. I looked at it and realised I couldn’t remember buying it then I realised not only had I bought it when I was manic I had watched it all too. The whole first series. I think I must of watched it in one night or two. I can only just vaguely remember. Very vaguely at that.  Had I not of found the dvd box I wouldn’t of known about it! Then I looked and saw a few other DVDs that I can’t remember buying! I’ve also used the credit card a lot. It must be up to over £2k on it now and I think it was at zero about 6-7 weeks ago.  Luckily I’ve got lots of work on and I can get it paid off over the next few months.  I know it’s no good hiding from this shit anymore. 

It’s my sons birthday today and he’s doing well. He’s still not going to school but things are moving in the right direction to get him the help he needs.    

I’ve been a bit buzzy the last few days and also very thoughtful.  A friends partner passed away yesterday morning and I’m thinking about him a lot. I’m trying to help him as best I can and its reminded me how much death affects me.  Often it can trigger me to think about living for today and not think  too far ahead. It has caused me issues in the past several times. I’m trying to  keep a good eye on myself anyway.  

Work is going well and things are looking good for this year. I need to put my pricing up yet again. I’ve lots of work ahead of me so still a slave to the wage. As usual my plans change. I think my plans now are to save up money and get out of the overdraft and pay off the credit cards yet again….once I can get some savings together I hope to start thinking far more about off grid living again and a full permaculture self sufficient place to live.  I guess I’m pretty positive at the minute. Woohoo. Life is good even if it’s only a game. 

I had another night of broken sleep last night and I’m shattered today. I need to get some get up and go back! I didn’t get up until 7:45 and wasn’t awake until nearly 7 instead of just after 6.  

My wife is off on a course today so I am off work most of the day with our son. I have a couple of tiny jobs just to tie up so he will have to just ride along with me very briefly. I’m hoping after that’s done I can do something with him to help him learn some things. I’ll see how the weather is and if it’s nots ad we might go to the beach.

  I need to get some of my mojo back and find that inner energy. I’m feeling less than enthusiastic today and could easily just stay in bed. It’s funny because yesterday I was rearing to go.  I’ve got lots of work to get done and lots coming in.  I know exactly what could happen too….I could well go up a gear and get lots done before Easter.  It usually happens. I tail off for a few days then I inspire myself again to get cracking and get lots and lots done.  I also think I need to find someone to work for me pretty soon and help out. It’s a minefield though. I work far harder than most others do and I know that I will struggle not only to find someone who can work as hard as I do but also in the way that I do and that we can get along.  I’m a tough boss on myself let alone others! No slacking. Right it’s time to shake this sleepiness off and get motivated. 

Last night I really struggled to go to sleep. I was pretty wired but also tired. I lay there for quite a long while trying to sleep and felt really agitated. Normally I lay down and its lights out. I’m not sure how long it took but it did take quite a while.  I had a sleep late afternoon because I had been really busy all day and felt tired but I’m not sure that caused this.  

Saturday I worked in the morning and then was really busy at home in the afternoon. I was pretty high on Saturday. I managed to get logs in, wash the polytunnel inside and out, wash the greenhouse inside and out, I dug a runner bean trench and put some organic matter in it ready for beans in the spring plus other things that I can’t remember. Saturday afternoon I found hot cross buns in the freezer which I forgot I had bought then cooked two and forgot I was cooking them! Luckily my wife reminded me.  

Yesterday I washed the van first thing, emptied out lots of tools that stay at home then after my wife went to work I took the children over to my storage unit and unloaded more things. After we got home I washed up then we went to the woods for a walk and stopped off at a farm shop to buy veg and fruit. We got home about 2:30pm.  I had a snooze late afternoon then got straight up and helped my wife cook dinner.  After dinner I heated up some fruit which we had picked and frozen last year.  Then the kids had a bath and I got in the bath afterwards.  I was pretty wired and couldn’t sleep. Once asleep I awoke countless times in the night. Then this morning I was awake ages before the boiler cut in so got straight up and have been kind of busy since then. I know I was very agitated in my sleep last night. I wrote a couple of emails and also messaged my oldest step daughter before getting in the bath.  This morning I have already priced a job up too !

Today and yesterday, possibly Wednesday too I have been getting more mood changes in a day again. Today maybe 10. They’re not a sever highs/lows as last time but I need to keep an eye on them.

Tonight I was cooking and listening to music and singing along quite happily when I almost burst into tears of sheer bliss and sadness both at the same time.  I’m feeling everything much stronger again. My wife said this morning to ‘take care today’ because she knew my mood was elevating. I managed to do sod all today and also get more than I wanted to done at work. I know that’s a contradiction and that’s just me and how I am haha. Maybe I will buckle my seatbelt again. Work is very busy and even more is coming in so I need to keep it all under control.  I did see some things today out of the corner of my eye one was a very white figure type being. I knew it wasn’t real but had to look twice because there is a gate near where I saw it.  I’ve also found myself singing my own ‘special’ songs today. Ah I’ve just remembered my violent thoughts as well that I’ve had mixed in with my high/low moods today. All good fun. I should sleep now and did crash out on the sofa twice earlier.  The first time was pretty surreal. I had just crashed out and must of been kind of dreaming, my phone beeped and it kind of stirred me and I noticed my wife was walking near by too. Anyway I started to say ‘what are we going to do about the…’ And stopped there just short of saying ‘snake’. I must of been dreaming/thinking about an adder as I kind of came around. She wondered what I was going on about but not nearly as much as I did ! Haha. It’s crazy but ok and not scary at all this time.  

Peoplesay don’t dwell on the past. They say other such bullshit too. Imagine if you had ran someone over surely you’d dwell on it?  I haven’t ran anyone over but what a load of old bollocks some sayings are.

So yesterday I had maybe 5-6 mood changes. Slightly milder ones but enough to notice they weren’t average normal mood changes. I had 4 by lunchtime. Maybe there were more than 5-6 but I’d say the others were mild and normal.  I think what stopped them being so rapid or strong or maybe even glossed over them was hearing how unwell a friends partner is with cancer. She has lots of tumours and is very unwell and it really hit me how lucky I am just to have a mental illness. I really wish I could just take it all away from her and help them.

Last night I cooked dinner. That’s 2 nights running.  I must be coming down with the flu! I never normally cook. I was in bed not long after 9pm and was asleep at around 9:30.  My wife had to deal with our children messing about because I was so crashed out.  I could kind of hear things going on but couldn’t move or awaken enough to to help. Also I noticed that my body was shifting a lot too.  I was hot as well. I woke in the night when the moon shine on my face because the cats had moved the curtain but other than that I slept until 6:20am.  I’m edgy at the moment and maybe altitude anxious but that’s life.  I know I have start dates etc to contend with. Also today we haveameeting at the school about my son and where we go with things…..so far bugger all has really happened and we aren’t much further ahead than we were a year ago……

I am sat here wondering about work and life. The stress of life and work seem to build to such a height I either crash or go up.  I try to keep as balanced as possible but it doesn’t always work.  I keep a track on everything pretty closely. My sleep has gotten much better again although last night I didn’t turn lights off for sleep until 11pm and woke up before 6. I know 6 is my usual kind of time for waking up in my ideal world but I was and am a little concerned that I was still awake at 11 last night.  I’ll see how it goes tonight. Maybe I’ve just kind of caught up from tiredness from the past 3-4 months. I don’t know.  Anyway it is what it is.  Ah something else I’ve just remembered is I didn’t read last night really. I watched music videos on YouTube. That’s interesting. Sometimes there’s a mood shift happening when I obsess over things and over music too especially.  I also craved chocolate and sweet things last night. Shit I even cooked dinner and dessert too! That’s unheard of.  I’d forgotten that until just now. Mind you my wife didn’t feel so great and I wanted to help out.  I don’t think I write much about that aspect of my life in here.  Hmmm.  Interesting. I love my wife and my family lots.      

I nearly didn’t start to blog this morning because I thought I have nothing to say.  Anyway I guess I always have things to say. I sometimes wish I could record my thought patterns and my thinking.  I should harness my ideas because often they could be world changing.  Maybe some of them are even genius.  Some are really shit though too haha. I guess this morning I’m calm but agitated. Ah it’s dawned on me. I’m a tiny bit anxious too because I have a kind of start date for March and have lots of work to fit in between now and then. I know it’ll work out fine but maybe it’s starting to trigger things off with me.  

Oh I’ve just realised that originally I was going to post about how long can I realistically keep working for because often work really is my biggest trigger even though it’s also what keeps my feet on the ground. I’m never really sure how I cope properly either.  I guess I’m just so bloody awesome that I do and nobody ever notices that I’m running around like a headless chicken half the time internally. I’m tired of pushing people away too. So tired of it. So tired of wearing my mask too but if I don’t I think I’d end up living alone miles from anywhere. We really are just like worker bees.  Feeding the system. What a load of bollocks it is too living like that. Snatching moments here and there and thinking we are living.  That’s not living. It’s barely existing and we are killing the world too whilst doing it.  Crazy. Utterly crazy.  Killing the only planet we have and thinking it’ll all be ok. Haha. What a joke. Mankind is sick. Mankind is a sickness on the earth. Killing everything. No wonder I can’t cope.  It’s a joke.  Living on a planet that wants infinite growth from finite resources. Haha. How stupid are those in power and government bending over to the whim and will of corporation.  Crazy world.  Humans suck.