It’s a stormy night out there. It’s beautiful. I keep forgetting to post. I guess while I’m pretty levelish I don’t see the point. I’m not sure I’ve been so level lately though. I’ve been working 7 days a week for the last few weeks. It’s all good though. I’ve some jobs that have to be finished before Christmas and I now know that I’ll do it pretty easily.  Today I have pretty. Inch finished one of them. I just have a couple of short visits to do to get the final painting done on a balcony. That won’t be too hard. The other job I can focus on properly now and apart from some small jobs that have to fit in all will be ok.   It’s funny how I’ve been fully on the go and still have loads of energy. I guess I’m a little high but not too high that it’s so uncontrollable. I need to be aware that I might go way high or crash in the Christmas holidays as I’m going at silly miles per hour and I can’t just stop. If I do then I know my body will wonder what’s going on. It’ll be good. I’ll wind down.      

    I’ve done well so far. I’ve not mentioned politics or religion. At the moment they are both pretty much hand in hand with the Middle East. The UK Parliament voted to bomb Syria last night and I’ve read that they started pretty much straight away too. Within a handful of minutes.  I had read within seconds and if that’s true then it’s appalling. Anyway. My life is superb right now. I’ve got lots of fantastic jobs lined up and customers who are great.  It’s taken a while to get back to this level again but all is good. 

Its 6:41am and I’ve been up for an hour and twenty minutes. I woke up with anxiety after a night of strange dreams. I was desperate for the toilet or I thought I was. I’m feeling a little calmer now and I just need to formulate a plan of all that needs to be accomplished. I won’t let this beat me down. I know it will pass and I know I’ve been over working too.  

I have put off my drumming lesson tonight as I know I will be working later than usual this week. My wife is away this weekend and I e got so much to do before then.  I’ll do it. I always do. 

The world is crazy. It’s nuts. The amount of people who react how the news tells them to is shocking. I am trying to avoid what is happening in the world following the events in Paris but it’s hard. It’s almost driven my mood to change. I had to have a short snooze in my van yesterday before going to meet customers. I went to bed about 7:30 last night too and then went to sleep about 9:30. My head hurt badly. It’s till aches now. My ears are ringing and I feel warm too with some hyper alertness. I’m not sure if I’m switched on or anxious or what. It is what it is. 

Grief. What a strange thing. It’s dawned on me that I’m carrying so much weight inside myself. I’ve not been fully ‘myself’ for a while again now. Maybe a few weeks but maybe longer. Others think I’m ok because they see the mask but don’t see past it. They think they do but they don’t. They don’t even realise there is a mask there for me. Sometimes even I don’t realise that it’s there. A few months of being level and kind of normal or normal for me and I thought I had healed myself. I haven’t. I’m far from that. I need a holiday. I’m not sure where to or what from.  Anyway I can’t grieve. I don’t feel I can or that I’m allowed. I have to keep my nose to the grindstone keeping the money coming in and chasing my tail.  I fear I’ll crack again.

It’s funny really hiding from myself and from others. They should be able to see the signs but either they don’t or they ignore them or maybe they notice them but don’t say anything. I don’t know. It is what it is. I survive everything. I cope with everything. I don’t have an option of not coping. I fear that my wife has a drink problem. She doesn’t drink every. Ishtar but the nights that she does drink she will drink a bottle of wine in about 40 minutes and sometimes she drinks up to 4 nights or so a week.  It has been 5 nights a week before. It’s something else that plays on my mind. Churning away. I know it’s not healthy too.  

So here I am back writing stuff. I promised myself I’d write everyday when I started but it slipped. Maybe it’s a mirror of my mind. Its slipping as is my writing. Oh well such is life. I’ll cope by not coping until I crack I guess. Then everyone will wonder what the fuck is going on yet again. Hahahahhaha

The black dog is chasing me. Biting at my heals. Catching me. Hunting me down. I don’t think I’ll escape. He will devour me again. I don’t think he’s alone. I think the whole of the wild hunt are chasing me. Maybe they’ll catch me. I’m one of them. Maybe they want to take me home. Who am I? Who am I? Where am I headed? Where should I go? Can I go anywhere?  Escape? From myself? I can’t. There’s no escaping myself. No heat. No ringing. No nothing. Drifting. Tired. I’m too tired. It’s always the same things. Outside myself. Looking in. Drifting. Songs in my head. I can’t remember them. Restlessness. The void. 

It’s Monday again. Yet again I’m anxious. Since last Wednesday or Thursday my sleep has been poor and apart from yesterday I have been up early. Ive been going to sleep well after 1am. Sometimes it’s nearly 2am. I think work is partly to blame. Ive lots to get done before Xmas. one job I’m due to start has more work which they want me to do straight away after the original job. I think I am going to talk with them and say I can’t do it until after Xmas now. It’s possible that it could be done but it will be extremly right to do it time wise and I don’t want the stress.

  I need to unwind myself and relax again. Ive been flat out all weekend. It’s been great to get things done but I do need to take stock of life. It’s no good spreading myself so thinly. I’ll end up seriously unwell again. I already fear I’m heading that way now. I hope I can avoid it. I need to keep the good level I have gotten to. To keep the flow going so well.

  I’m finding I’m on facebook a lot again and need to retreat back from there too. It’s too easy to get caught up in trying to help others. 

It’s already Samhain. Where has the year gone! I’ve had a busy year so far. A pretty crazy year. Time to remember the dead. The older I get the more people there are to remember. Both parents and a step parent as well as grandparents and friends and family. The list will always grow until it’s my turn to go through the veil and not one back. I’ve felt like doing that a few times. Even this year.  Hmmmm.    

So here I am again back writing my thoughts down. I’ve had two late nights or I guess that should be early mornings. I’ve eaten lots of sugary things to perk myself up. Maybe that should be prop myself up. I’m hoping to knock things on the head but I have noticed things again.  Body heat. Ears ringing. On Facebook too much. Not reading or meditating or not feeling able to. A huge surge in drive and enthusiasm. My mood has lifted a lot but it might be teetering on a crash too. It’s an edgy mood.  I’m physically tired but still quite wired. I won’t work much today. After work I will collect horse manure but that might be all I do….who knows.  I should try to sleep it off that’s for sure. 

I fear the black dog is slowly creeping its way into my life again. I’m finding myself slipping into old thought patterns and I’m noticing that I’m getting very tired again. I’m on facebook lots again and I’m getting too caught up in the affairs of the world. The sooner we get off grid the better. Self sufficiency is the best way forwards and I think more and more are realising this.  I see that the westernised, bastardised even, way of life isn’t natural.  Its killing the earth where we live and we all blindly think that science will save us. The division between us and the earth grows ever greater and science divorces us from the real earth and from reality. Often we get too caught up in bills, debt and money. The funny thing is that they’re all creations of man and aren’t actually real. They aren’t part of life. No other species on this earth has to pay money and give up hours of its life each week to do so. All other creatures of the earth live. Seas humans are barely existing and we replace the true joy of life with quick consumerism and the false satisfactions thereof. We as a species are foolish. We kill that which we need to be able to survive. What fools we really are. 

Well I’m feeling good. I had a mini high yesterday but luckily it’s settled. The allotment is going well. I’m hot composting the clearings from there and ive turned it once already on Monday afternoon. When I turned it the temperature dropped from 65*c to 20*c. After 15 minutes it was back up to 25*c and yesterday morning, having been left over night, it was back up to 54*c. All is good.  I’m now planning on making the solar furnace to get some free solar heat. I felt a bit lazy because I’d not started it yet, but then this morning I realiseda better way of doing it so it’s good that I’d not built it yet. Ive been using permaculture ideas for about 6 months now and I’ve been asked to write a short article for permaculture magazine. That has made my day. 

Ok so not a usual post I guess. this will play on my mind lots though. The royal airforce has been given permission to shoot down Russian planes in Syria. Just take that in for a minute. Individual pilots if they feel threatened have permission to shoot Russian planes down. That means that a pilot if he feels threatened by a Russian plane, bearing in mind they often play aeroplane tag, can start a war. Possibly another world war. That’s not good at  all. I thought I was nuts but I’m not as nuts as our so called leaders. We need to get the fuck out of Syria and let Russia get rid of ISIS. The USA and UK were never asked by Syria to go there. Russia is an ally of Syria. We are in effect invading countries. We need to get out. How can this be allowed to happen? Are the people so bloody stupid and so aught up in xfactor etc and other trite shite that they won’t know what’s going on until war is fully declared? It will be too late then. All of the war propaganda will be in full swing by then and all facts will be washed away. Wtf. We need to do what we can to avert this from happening. People will die. It’s not a game.