I have to face up to the fact that I’ve been high or mixed for at least two months now. I’ve rapid cycled lately lots too. A friend made a point of telling me to stop posting on Facebook because of the rapid cycling. She understands it only too well herself. Ivebeen over working and too wired. I have been way out of my normal sleep patterns. Way way out. The latest I have To bed was 5:50am and I didn’t go straight to sleep. I keep telling myself I need to go back to the doctors but put it off through either getting on. High gain or paranoia. I have been physically unwell and should of gone for that too. Lately I’ve been having very dark destructive thoughts and have been fighting my way out so hard. I have to face the fact that I am a twat and at times not a very nice person at all.  In all honesty I couldn’t live with myself if I were someone else. I know I couldn’t. That’s hard to admit. I have had too much paranoia lately and some strange psychosis too. Most has passed but I feel like shutting down and going into self retreat. I don’t know what mood I will be in tomorrow. I don’t post on here enough. Yet another thing that slips by. At the minute I can’t read or meditate and I’ve been like this for a few months. I have no interest in anything much really. I seem to lack motivation and direction too. I sincerely hope they come back and soon. I am shattered. Worn out.  And tired. Tired of everything and all of life’s constant battles. I have no close friends. I have nobody I can talk to properly either. My walls are built high and my mask is almost fully glued on. My life isn’t real any more. I just exist or at least I think that’s what it is. I feel no emotion any more.  

I should of been writing lately but haven’t been. Ive been high and mixed lately. I still am. I should get this stuff down. What I’m writing isn’t easy. What I’m about to write I mean.  

My reality tonight on my drive home was full blown out of body. Completely altered reality. Detachment is the word I guess. It’s worried me. Ive not been getting good sleep lately and I would say ive worked far too hard for far too long. Far too up and down and mixed. Anyway back to it. On my way home me reality hazed over. It was out of body. It was like tripping. Thoughts flashed in and out. Possibly voices too. The little people were after me. They were watching me and my thoughts. I was aware of the altered reality too. I couldn’t control it though. I felt like driving into an oncoming tractor. I had thoughts of stopping at the woods too. I’ll not say more about those dark thoughts. They’ve passed but it was a borderline Feeling. I came home, practiced drumming and have since been in bed asleep. I’m feeling ok now. It will all pass. More work tomorrow and more on Thursday I would imagine. Ive been at break point with it I realise now. I tried so hard not to get like this. Not to let it get like this. Too many hours working. I need a break. I’m not sure what from though. I will survive. I will conquer. I live to see another day for now. 

I’m still tired this morning. I didn’t relax much over the weekend and my wife was away. When she came back I was tired and spaced out. Not the return she wished for I’m sure. She ended up sleeping in my daughters bed upset. When I’m like this I feel no emotion. I need a zap of energy. I’m wired but tired. I fell asleep fast but was then awoken pretty soon after and felt wired. I was then woken at 3 am by my son because he was hot from trying to sleep in his sofa den he had made. I had nightmares out of the night and my body temperature was sky high. I know that often when my temperature is like that I’m getting unwell. I’ll keep a close eye on it. I need to. Two more weeks or so and I can take a break from work. So much to do before then though. Lots. 

It’s a stormy night out there. It’s beautiful. I keep forgetting to post. I guess while I’m pretty levelish I don’t see the point. I’m not sure I’ve been so level lately though. I’ve been working 7 days a week for the last few weeks. It’s all good though. I’ve some jobs that have to be finished before Christmas and I now know that I’ll do it pretty easily.  Today I have pretty. Inch finished one of them. I just have a couple of short visits to do to get the final painting done on a balcony. That won’t be too hard. The other job I can focus on properly now and apart from some small jobs that have to fit in all will be ok.   It’s funny how I’ve been fully on the go and still have loads of energy. I guess I’m a little high but not too high that it’s so uncontrollable. I need to be aware that I might go way high or crash in the Christmas holidays as I’m going at silly miles per hour and I can’t just stop. If I do then I know my body will wonder what’s going on. It’ll be good. I’ll wind down.      

    I’ve done well so far. I’ve not mentioned politics or religion. At the moment they are both pretty much hand in hand with the Middle East. The UK Parliament voted to bomb Syria last night and I’ve read that they started pretty much straight away too. Within a handful of minutes.  I had read within seconds and if that’s true then it’s appalling. Anyway. My life is superb right now. I’ve got lots of fantastic jobs lined up and customers who are great.  It’s taken a while to get back to this level again but all is good. 

Its 6:41am and I’ve been up for an hour and twenty minutes. I woke up with anxiety after a night of strange dreams. I was desperate for the toilet or I thought I was. I’m feeling a little calmer now and I just need to formulate a plan of all that needs to be accomplished. I won’t let this beat me down. I know it will pass and I know I’ve been over working too.  

I have put off my drumming lesson tonight as I know I will be working later than usual this week. My wife is away this weekend and I e got so much to do before then.  I’ll do it. I always do. 

The world is crazy. It’s nuts. The amount of people who react how the news tells them to is shocking. I am trying to avoid what is happening in the world following the events in Paris but it’s hard. It’s almost driven my mood to change. I had to have a short snooze in my van yesterday before going to meet customers. I went to bed about 7:30 last night too and then went to sleep about 9:30. My head hurt badly. It’s till aches now. My ears are ringing and I feel warm too with some hyper alertness. I’m not sure if I’m switched on or anxious or what. It is what it is. 

Grief. What a strange thing. It’s dawned on me that I’m carrying so much weight inside myself. I’ve not been fully ‘myself’ for a while again now. Maybe a few weeks but maybe longer. Others think I’m ok because they see the mask but don’t see past it. They think they do but they don’t. They don’t even realise there is a mask there for me. Sometimes even I don’t realise that it’s there. A few months of being level and kind of normal or normal for me and I thought I had healed myself. I haven’t. I’m far from that. I need a holiday. I’m not sure where to or what from.  Anyway I can’t grieve. I don’t feel I can or that I’m allowed. I have to keep my nose to the grindstone keeping the money coming in and chasing my tail.  I fear I’ll crack again.

It’s funny really hiding from myself and from others. They should be able to see the signs but either they don’t or they ignore them or maybe they notice them but don’t say anything. I don’t know. It is what it is. I survive everything. I cope with everything. I don’t have an option of not coping. I fear that my wife has a drink problem. She doesn’t drink every. Ishtar but the nights that she does drink she will drink a bottle of wine in about 40 minutes and sometimes she drinks up to 4 nights or so a week.  It has been 5 nights a week before. It’s something else that plays on my mind. Churning away. I know it’s not healthy too.  

So here I am back writing stuff. I promised myself I’d write everyday when I started but it slipped. Maybe it’s a mirror of my mind. Its slipping as is my writing. Oh well such is life. I’ll cope by not coping until I crack I guess. Then everyone will wonder what the fuck is going on yet again. Hahahahhaha

The black dog is chasing me. Biting at my heals. Catching me. Hunting me down. I don’t think I’ll escape. He will devour me again. I don’t think he’s alone. I think the whole of the wild hunt are chasing me. Maybe they’ll catch me. I’m one of them. Maybe they want to take me home. Who am I? Who am I? Where am I headed? Where should I go? Can I go anywhere?  Escape? From myself? I can’t. There’s no escaping myself. No heat. No ringing. No nothing. Drifting. Tired. I’m too tired. It’s always the same things. Outside myself. Looking in. Drifting. Songs in my head. I can’t remember them. Restlessness. The void. 

It’s Monday again. Yet again I’m anxious. Since last Wednesday or Thursday my sleep has been poor and apart from yesterday I have been up early. Ive been going to sleep well after 1am. Sometimes it’s nearly 2am. I think work is partly to blame. Ive lots to get done before Xmas. one job I’m due to start has more work which they want me to do straight away after the original job. I think I am going to talk with them and say I can’t do it until after Xmas now. It’s possible that it could be done but it will be extremly right to do it time wise and I don’t want the stress.

  I need to unwind myself and relax again. Ive been flat out all weekend. It’s been great to get things done but I do need to take stock of life. It’s no good spreading myself so thinly. I’ll end up seriously unwell again. I already fear I’m heading that way now. I hope I can avoid it. I need to keep the good level I have gotten to. To keep the flow going so well.

  I’m finding I’m on facebook a lot again and need to retreat back from there too. It’s too easy to get caught up in trying to help others. 

It’s already Samhain. Where has the year gone! I’ve had a busy year so far. A pretty crazy year. Time to remember the dead. The older I get the more people there are to remember. Both parents and a step parent as well as grandparents and friends and family. The list will always grow until it’s my turn to go through the veil and not one back. I’ve felt like doing that a few times. Even this year.  Hmmmm.    

So here I am again back writing my thoughts down. I’ve had two late nights or I guess that should be early mornings. I’ve eaten lots of sugary things to perk myself up. Maybe that should be prop myself up. I’m hoping to knock things on the head but I have noticed things again.  Body heat. Ears ringing. On Facebook too much. Not reading or meditating or not feeling able to. A huge surge in drive and enthusiasm. My mood has lifted a lot but it might be teetering on a crash too. It’s an edgy mood.  I’m physically tired but still quite wired. I won’t work much today. After work I will collect horse manure but that might be all I do….who knows.  I should try to sleep it off that’s for sure.