I’m awake and alive. That’s something we should all appreciate every day that we wake up. This is a crazy world we live in and at times I’m blown away by people’s undertanding and beauty and at other times I’m shocked by their stupidity. Oh well I guess life has surprises.
Yesterday I was talking with the guy who’s helping me at work about anxiety. His sister is suffering with it and is probably going through a breakdown. I gave a little advice and he was quite open to it too. He has done something similar for his brother in the past. He’s struggling to communicate with his sister and can’t get through to her, so I suggested that he writes her a letter explaining how he feels and if he can’t give it to her now then save it and give it to her when she’s feeling better. Hopefully it’ll help.
I was told that I was a bit grumpy yesterday. I explained to the person that I’m aware I’m feeling a bit that way and why I’m feeling like it. It’s almost the 7th anniversary of my mum dying. Even though I’m now aware that it affects me I still I can’t relax about it which I find very strange. I feel that knowing and being aware should help me to relax more about it. Maybe though it’s more than the mental connection? Maybe it’s also the physical connection too, through DNA and the fact I was born from her body? I’m not sure but it shows I’m still holding on to something somehow. I guess it’s a level of attachment.
It’s Monday once again. I’m rearing to go after taking the whole weekend off. I had intended to go in over the weekend but decided not too. The rest has done me the power of good. I’m rearing to go. Yesterday I nearly did a workout but thought better of it. I hope it’s dry tonight because I’m really looking forwards to it. I’m feeling very strong too. I did have a few twinges in my chest last night and this morning though. The muscles in between my ribs sometimes spasm if I’m a bit overworked, stressed or unwell. Hopefully I just slept a little funny.
Today I’ve got help at work again, tomorrow too. It’s good. There’s plenty we can get done. It’s nice to work alone but it’s nice to have help too sometimes. We have a laugh as well so all is good.
I’ve not blogged over the weekend. I’m not sure why not but the weekend was nice. Maybe I needed the break from work and blogging too. I did spend too much time on Facebook though! Far too much time. Maybe that’s why I’ve got the chest twinges! It’s facebook health issues. I had better stay off again.
It’s Friday again and it’s been a productive week even though my days have been shorter because of the school run. My wife was a huge help yesterday and it was lovely to have time alone with her even though we were working. Sometimes I think that it’s easy to talk while working because it breaks down any kind of social barriers and if you run out of things to say then you just carry on working. Anyway she was a huge help.
Today I’m going to go and do some lead work on a roof, the roof I should of been on on Wednesday. Hopefully it’ll go well. If it doesn’t it’s ok. I’m feeling pretty relaxed too. All is good.
Last night I had a meeting to sort out changing my mortgage. We figured at worst I’ll be £450 per month better off but maybe even £500! That’s a lot. It will also help ease the pressure of work too in regards to not having to push so much to be able to pay bills. It’s a huge relief. I also think I’m saving at least £600 per month in my business through working alone mostly and not paying a wage to someone who only cost my business money. In a few weeks my business will be back in the black by maybe £2000. It’s been in the overdraft for the last 2 or so years around the £6-7k mark and as much as £9.6k! Since working alone I’ve brought it back down. I now know why and what was costing me so much. Oh well, lesson learnt.
I’m feeling good and I’m still working out. My body fat might of come down a little and my body weight has gone back up to around 14 stone 7 pounds from 13 stone 9 pounds about 2-3 weeks ago. It’s just regained muscle so it goes on quickly. Anyway I’m loving it. It feels fantastic. Life truly is what you make it.
Today my wife is coming in to work to help out. I’m looking forward to it. We hardly ever have any time alone and we are decorating in an weekend house so there’s nobody there. It’ll be good having some help getting things done. Hopefully it’ll be reasonably relaxed too.
I’m feeling pretty ok today, although yesterday I got rather pissed off when I found out that our car isn’t worth fixing. Now we have to find a car asap. Two or so weeks ago it was my van that went wrong. So that means in the last year we have spent over £1000 on work on our cars and the garage has told us that both cars weren’t viable repairs. I have to say that I do feel a bit cynical and the previous car we had to spend about £450 on it only to be told that it wasn’t worth fixing in the end…. I think I’m going to find a new garage to look after our vehicles now. The old van I spent over £2000 on. No more throwing money away. My mind is straighter now and I’ve got goals to reach for and achieve. Big ones. I want to start saving for an investment plan I have.
It’s already after lunch time and the day is going well in the end. I didn’t arrive on this job until 10am. I was supposed to be fitting some lead externally on a cottage but the weather was rubbish. I’m feeling good but quite sore muscularly. It’s all good. I’m back taking creatine and I’m also taking some amino acids and a whey protein shake. I’m wondering if the creatine is what caused the mini high mood the other day. Maybe it did but I’m not worried because it’s all settled down now. All is well.
Working out again has done wonders for me already. I enjoy the endorphins but I enjoy the physical activity too. I’m wondering how big I can get if I really go for it again. I’ve considered that if I got big enough maybe I’d like to compete too. I always wonder that. Who knows. We shall see. Anyway feeling good is good.
Yesterday morning could of gone pear shaped but luckily I was aware and it didn’t. I was rushing around but doing not much at all. It all came good later though.
It’s funny to feel quite normal after a mini high because I’d expected that it may go on longer than it did. I think it’s a case of ‘phew! That was lucky’. Life is so funny and so strange. I wonder what others make of it.
I’ve slept well and woke around my usual time. I went to sleep just after 10:30. Yesterday I only worked about 4 hours because I had to do the school run both times and also had to arrange getting our car fixed, if it’s fixable. Anyway it didn’t get to me too much straight away.
Once at work though I started cracking on then I noticed a shift in my mood. I didn’t notice it straight away but I did notice it. I started to get a bit high. I’d say I had a mini high my concentration started going and my thoughts started racing too. I remembered that the customer had some coffee there so I made myself a cup of it. Luckily it kicked in after about half an hour to an hour. I’ve found that coffee balances me if I’m getting a little high. I’d not recommend it to others, but it works for me. It’s funny how a stimulant can bring my mind back from the brink. Maybe it’s because it causes me to focus fully. I’m not sure but it really helped. Luckily.
I’m hoping today will run smoothly and things will be settled. I’ve got a guy helping me today so that should help me get on further faster. Lots to do.
What a difference it is to get up with no anxiety. I woke in the night/morning thinking about work and told myself what needs to be done and eased my mind then went back to sleep. It feels good to be focused. I have a plan for today and that’s enough for now. Everything else will fall into place.
I had a snooze late yesterday afternoon from just after 5 and I needed it but it also meant I was later at going to bed as I wasn’t so tired at my normal bedtime. I’m very concious of not throwing my clock out. I can’t risk it as its a fine line, a knifes edge balance that I sit on mostly. I’ve come to realise how close that balance really is. Very fine indeed.
Last night my wife had a bottle of wine. After my snooze, when I got up I could tell straight away. In fact I was woken from my snooze by her and my son having a disagreement. It put me a little on edge for the hole evening. It worries me when she’s like that. She gets passive aggressive and also verbally too. My son was misbehaving for sure but in my opinion she didn’t handle it well because of having had some wine. If she opens a bottle she normaly ends up drinking it all. Maybe they both fed each other. Anyway I tried to stay out of it, to be impartial because I didn’t know what had gone on but in the end I tried to talk him through where he’d gone wrong and tried to calm it down. I know it’s normal family stuff but often if I have a lay in on a Sunday im awoken by a disagreement. It can feel like a punishment at times. Later on my wife came through to me and said something like ‘ you’re not the only one who holds anger inside!’ I explained to her that I don’t feel anger very much very often now and I don’t hold it inside. I wish you could see it. It’s taken a lot for me to be able to release it but I don’t let it eat away at me anymore. I think some of yesterday was down to the fact that about 2-3 weeks ago she asked me to look at a deal where she could get an iPhone with an iPad mini because my son wants an iPad mini for his birthday and I’d not taken it onboard at all. she showed the deal to me but my brain was fuzzy at the time so I couldn’t register things. I still don’t think she gets my mind condition and maybe because I’ve been holding it all together for a few months she feels I’m healed or back to normal, whatever that is. Anyway I am holding it together but it’s bloody hard. I feel like I’ve had enough and want to just meltdown and release something. I don’t know what though. I feel like a shell and that I’m faking life just to get by and I’m just waiting for everyone to notice I’m faking it then I’ll be carted off to a mental institution and be locked up or that I’ll just explode or have a breakdown again. I know it’s close to the anniversary of my mums death and I know it affects me even though I try to not let it anymore.
I’m relaxing today and had a lay in until almost 7 this morning. I’m feeling good but I’m also aware that I’ve sat on Facebook a bit last night and this morning which isn’t so good. Friday night I did read a short book though. I’ve been working out this last week and on Thursday I trained shoulders and calves. My calves are still sore. Very sore, but that’s ok.
Today we will go to my mother in laws to see some family but apart from that I’ll rest up ready for the week ahead. It’s going to be busy.
Life is good. I love life again right now. My humour has returned too. Maybe some of it is due to working out again. i hope so because I’m going to get back in shape. I’m going to get bigger and stronger again. Feeling good feels good.