As I lay in bed last night meditating before going to sleep I had a kind of mini life assessment. I’ve realised that quite often when I feel ok I start to question life and feelings. One thing that cropped up was how I can feel like life is flashing past and that I’m walking a tight rope whilst being pushed and pulled all ways and barely just managing to stay on the rope. Maybe an elastic rope might be a better description of it because it moves and twists and bounces. I’m quite internal and introspective at the moment too. I feel like life is jenga and I’m balanced on the top with the wooden pinches moving under me and it could all topple at any moment but somehow I’m still standing and still balancing. Maybe I’m balancing because I’ve learnt to become supple like a sapling instead of rigid like an old oak tree. Anyway it’s a feeling of ‘my fingers are in my ears and I’m not listening. La la la la la la’. Although feeling these things I do still feel quite in control too. In control to a certain degree that is. I guess rock climbers have to cling on with just their finger tips sometimes before climbing higher and getting a good hold with both feet planted firmly and assessing things before moving further upwards.
Work is good at the minute and it’s quite busy too which is fantastic but also I fear loosing control of it all too. Such silly fears. How silly. How foolish to fear things. Life is just life. Sometimes I wish I could just relax and allow life to flow. Maybe it does but I get caught up in trying to live it and be it. Maybe I’m too harsh on myself.
It’s at times like this I wonder about going back on the bipolar forum. A few times I’ve started to write the email to ask to be reinstated but something always stops me. I think it’s my higher self chiming in and reminding me that I’ll only get caught up or addicted to it. So for now I stay clear, but I do wonder how lots of the people on there are feeling or doing but my highest priority has to be myself. I mustn’t get caught up in others too much really but at the same time they feel what I feel. They understand it too. I guess I don’t want to get addicted to it and that would side track me from work because of obsessive patterns. Maybe I’m breaking those patterns. Maybe I am moving forwards and getting a handle on my moods swings and shifts. I really hope so.