Monday and no anxiety

What a difference it is to get up with no anxiety. I woke in the night/morning thinking about work and told myself what needs to be done and eased my mind then went back to sleep. It feels good to be focused. I have a plan for today and that’s enough for now. Everything else will fall into place.

  I had a snooze late yesterday afternoon from just after 5 and I needed it but it also meant I was later at going to bed as I wasn’t so tired at my normal bedtime. I’m very concious of not throwing my clock out. I can’t risk it as its a fine line, a knifes edge balance that I sit on mostly. I’ve come to realise how close that balance really is. Very fine indeed.  

Last night my wife had a bottle of wine. After my snooze, when I got up I could tell straight away. In fact I was woken from my snooze by her and my son having a disagreement. It put me a little on edge for the hole evening. It worries me when she’s like that. She gets passive aggressive and also verbally too. My son was misbehaving for sure but in my opinion she didn’t handle it well because of having had some wine. If she opens a bottle she normaly ends up  drinking it all. Maybe they both fed each other. Anyway I tried to stay out of it, to be impartial because I didn’t know what had gone on but in the end I tried to talk him through where he’d gone wrong and tried to calm it down. I know it’s normal family stuff but often if I have a lay in on a Sunday im awoken by a disagreement. It can feel like a punishment at times.  Later on my wife came through to me and said something like ‘ you’re not the only one who holds anger inside!’ I explained to her that I don’t feel anger very much very often now and I don’t hold it inside. I wish you could see it. It’s taken a lot for me to be able to release it but I don’t let it eat away at me anymore.  I think some of yesterday was down to the fact that about  2-3 weeks ago she asked me to look at a deal where she could get an iPhone with an iPad mini because my son wants an iPad mini for his birthday and I’d not taken it onboard at all. she showed the deal to me but my brain was fuzzy at the time so I couldn’t register things. I still don’t think she gets my mind condition and maybe because I’ve been holding it all together for a few months she feels I’m healed or back to normal,  whatever that is.  Anyway I am holding it together but it’s bloody hard. I feel like I’ve had enough and want to just meltdown and release something. I don’t know what though. I feel like a shell and that I’m faking life just to get by and I’m just waiting for everyone to notice I’m faking it then I’ll be carted off to a mental institution and be locked up or that I’ll just explode or have a breakdown again. I know it’s close to the anniversary of my mums death and I know it affects me even though I try to not let it anymore.  

Life can be tricky indeed. Oh well. 

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