I’ve realised how I torture myself mentally. I do it lots. I think I start to do it more when high or mixed so that I realise my mental state. Maybe that’s not why but I do it nonetheless I do it. The pain and torture all gets too much too. I drag up past pain and hurts. I analyse again and again and again. It feeds my anxiety too, but when I realise I’m doing it and stop then that’s when I feel like I awaken. I actualy become different. The cloud lifts or the fog clears. I know that it could be similar for depression. Maybe it’s actually the same. Fully the same. I’d say often I’m mixed lately. Well anyway I’m feeling like I’m coming out of it somehow and my drive is coming back.
I’m quite concious of how I use social media too and how it indicates my mental state too. I become a facebook addict when in a bad place of headed for a slip. I use Twitter when I’m recovering. Facebook is deactivated at the minute and I’m occasionaly on Twitter. I also noticed how much they take over because briefly last night I tried to not be online but actualy struggled to stay off.
I’ve realised the pain I cause myself and how it upsets others too. It has to stop or ease. It can’t go on.