Today isn’t a good day. I’m not feeling well mentaly. I’ve not got my van today but if I did have it I’d of gone home to bed. I’ve layed down on the sofa here instead and slept for about 45 minutes. I might sleep again soon. In my mind I should have this job finished by now and I’m behind on other plans I’ve made. I feel like everything is slipping away. I feel weak.   The situation at the weekend has weakened me too. I didn’t even defend my son. I should of. I must not ever let it happen again. I’d die for my family. I only fear the trouble that will be caused of I do defend them. Better to defend than be a coward.

   My head isn’t in a good place and it’s really fucking me off because I should be able to control my moods and my thoughts.   It’s a basic thing. I should be able to do it.

  I’m tired of my life being an act. I can’t keep it going much longer. I’m not that good an actor. Maybe the world is fake too so I’ll get by.  I always seem to. What a fucking hole to be in. A shitty hole. 

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