Thoughts and things said.

Last night I had talk with my wife. She reminded me of things that I omit from here, not knowingly. At times I get angry with my children and their behaviour. Especially the rudeness and back chat. I’m not sure I was ever so rude but maybe I was. My memory isn’t what it can be at the minute. It’s very fuzzy.  Anyway back to it. My son has so many similarities to me at that age. Luckily my wife has pushed things along and the school are looking into things too. I think I’ve always thought he’s ok because I relate to him lots. I relate to how he doesn’t want to go to school, how at times he doesn’t want to eat too. At that age I could go a few days without eating much. Aged 14 I stopped going to school pretty much altogether. It’s shocking for me. I’m going to go back to the doctor and take it further to get a diagnosis. Having spoken with a few people and especially after a private conversation last night on facebook others who have the same issues and symptoms think I’m bipolar 1 with a few other things going on.  I am who I am and mostly I kind of cope. I know they aren’t doctors or psychiatrists.  

So onto another issue I have but which has calmed down lots. Sexomnia.  I have sexomnia. I have sex in the night and don’t know about it. I’ve slept with my wife countless times whilst asleep. I don’t know it’s happening. It’s a major reason that my wife has had her sex drive killed by me. I don’t think I can ever fully understand how it has affected her or our lives.  I can wake in the night to find I’m turned on and playing with myself.  

I guess I also Should say that several times I’ve thought my wife has tried to poison me. I was certain of it. I still ate the food because at times I wish for death, even though I’m so awesome. 

Mostly I guess these things don’t come to the fore in my mind but they are bellow the surface. Often I don’t even know where my thoughts are. I have violent thoughts too. At times graphically violent. Last night when my wife was putting me in my place about how what I write here and what I don’t write here I had my sons hammer in my hand. Only because he had left it in the kitchen, but briefly I thought about hitting her with it because I didn’t want to hear what she had to say. It’s not the first time I’ve fantasised or thought about hurting others and it won’t be the last either.   I’d not act on these thoughts because I know they’re violent thoughts and nothing more. Often at the end of the day I can’t even remember where my thoughts have been because there have been so many in such quick succession.    

I’m headed upwards again after 2 good nights sleep. All the signs are there. Ears ringing, warm body, racing thoughts, metallic smell in my nose etc. I’ve not come down from over 2 weeks or so ago. I just leveled a bit. Oh well. I am who I am. At least I’m not so angry today. 

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