No anxiety and it’s Monday

I’ve woken up at 6:15 this morning. I shaved my hair off last night with the clippers, had a long bath and then shaved my face. My wife told me I’d been in the bath for over an hour and a half, possible close to 2. It felt like less than half hour. Time is unimportant and unreal right now. I saw bright blue last night when I went to go to sleep. Things are a little ‘edgy’. That’s the best way to explain it. I saw a ‘figure’ or something yesterday upstairs on the landing. I cope though. I think. What’s reality anyway? It’s just signals deciphered by our brains from our senses from external stimuli. Who’s to say those of us who see things don’t really see them. Much like different animals see and hear what we don’t. Blow a high pitch whistle and a dog hears it but we done. Does it mean it doesn’t make a sound or exist?  What I see isn’t always out there either. I have inner visions. I can see the future at times. I can be aware when dé ja vu is happening. I’ve changed it too. Changed the ending.  

This is my reality and I don’t expect others to understand at all. They don’t need to. What I do need though is more time. More time to push my dreams forwards. To push the ideas I have. My memory is getting bad at the moment. That’s ok though. I know it’ll be alright. Maybe I’ll just start writing lists and pointers again. I should be a hermit then I’d have time to pursue my dreams and ideas fully. That’s where life is headed.  

Yesterday I thought I needed a full diagnosis. Today I’m not so sure. I don’t need to have someone else trying to slot me into a pigeon hole. I don’t need to be placed in a ‘section’.  I’m me. That’s all there is. I control it. It’s a gift. I just have to fully utilise it. 

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