The new van and paranoia

The van I bought in January or February was in the garage last week with a seized rear caliper. This week it’s in with the steering gone stiff and has probably blown the seal or plate off the back of the steering pump. Both are common faults. Hopefully the steering is covered on the warranty. The brake caliper wasn’t. It’s going to throw my day out today, but that’s not so bad, I can live with that. Also I’ve done well getting it in asap too. Normally I’d panick and bury my head in the sand but not this time. I am however starting to get paranoid about it. I’m wondering what may go wrong next.

I’ve noticed my chest is tight this morning. It may be a little stress over the van I’m not sure. I’m concious of it though. It could even just be because of working out again. Who knows.  

Today I’m not feeling too bad. I know I’ll stress about work later but that’s to be expected. I’ve a few errands to run this morning and after that a few bills and telephone calls to make too. Hopefully the van will be fixed later. I’ll try getting some rest later too. I might end up working Saturday morning. I’m not sure.    

I’m feeling kind of level today so far too. I’m missing feeling high that’s one thing. I fear resting too much though because that can se d me up too. As long as I don’t sink I don’t mind. Maybe I am still a bit high. Yesterday while working it felt like time had almost stopped. I did lots of work then looked at the clock only to realise maybe 10 minutes had passed. I’m not sure if it’s because I was so caught up in work or if I’m a bit delusional. I don’t know. I fear second guessing everything too. At least I’m not angry this morning. That’s a good thing. One thing I’ve realised is often I go into lots of detail here about some things but totally omit others. One thing I omit is the violent thoughts I often get. I’ve always had them. Years ago I almost put a glass in a guy’s face through being paranoid he was talking about me. Another time I very nearly put the back of a pool cue in a blokes face. Last year in London I fantasised about glassing a bloke because he blew smoke near me. There are countless other things. Once while drunk I fell out with a friends girlfriend and threw a glass across the road at her. It didn’t hit her luckily. I’m much more calmer these days. Although when very paranoid I do get close, especially if I’ve been drinking. I don’t drink very often at all now. I don’t like how it affects me or how it affects others either.

I’m not a nice person. I’m just a good actor. Most of the time my life is just an act too. I’m just there as the hidden silent observer hiding behind the front that is my so called persona. Often I wonder how long the act will go on for. It’s like a risset rythmn  going around and around getting faster and faster but staying the same, never going anywhere. It’s a fractal spiralling out but always the same. I’m a good actor. Most never notice the front that I put on. Oh well. That’s life for me. 

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