Thursday

Its Thursday morning and I am waiting to her about my van. I’m hoping it will be fixed asap this morning. It was going to be ready last night.  I need it this morning to get some work done and get some concrete layer on a job. I’m not anxious though which makes a change. I’ve got a window I can paint while I wait to hear about the van. All will be good. I can make some bills out today and chase some people over some stuff too. My head hurts a bit but hopefully that will dissapear pretty soon.

I’m sleeping better again and feel like I’m still catching up from being high.  I’m not sure if I’m levelled out yet or not. I still see the occasional thing that’s not there. I still have poor memory too at times. There are a few other ongoing things too. Oh well. That’s life. Well it’s my life anyway. I’ve not meditated for a while. My head is too busy but it might help calm my thoughts down I guess. Catch 22 situation as always!    

Yesterday we had a woman around regarding a plan that’s in place to help get my son going back to school. He gets really bad anxiety. I can really relate to it. Often I mask my anxiety so that I don’t stop us doing things. It’s amazing how much one can mask over these things when fully aware of them. Others aren’t aware when you’re good at hiding it all. Much like anger. Others don’t see how close you are to going over the edge. I can have such huge inner rage and want to act on it but outwardly I look reasonably calm. I’m good at controlling it, which is a good trait to have. Having spoken with others who struggle too I have realised I’m very very lucky to keep it as under control as I do. If I didnt I would either be in hospital or prison and that’s not just because of the anger issues.

  Often I feel like I’m loosing control. I’m so used to it now it’s becoming or has become normal, not that I’m fully sure I know what normal is. I’m still engaged in my own enlightenment. Maybe this is all part of it. Maybe there’s such a crossover between mental health issues and enlightenment. Maybe enlightenment is such a break from the ‘norm’. Who knows. All I can do is understand myself more each day and deal with it from there. 

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