I will be going in to work today and am not sure how much I will get done either. I’ll take it as it comes and if I’m tired will either havea sleep or finish early. There’s still so much to get sorted with my dads stuff. So much. I’m a bit anxious this morning too. I’m not sure why but it’s not unusual.
Last night my wife and children went out to have chips on the beach but I stayed here. I was so torn over it. I needed the head space and the total peace and quiet but I felt like I was letting my children and wife down by not joining in too. I thought that I should be doing the family thing and go but I couldn’t face it so I stayed at home and had a hot bath. I nearly fell asleep in there too! I was in bed before they got home. I’m just so tired all of the time. I also realised how stressed and tense I am all of the time too at the minute. I sat in bed watching something or reading and it dawned on me that most of my body was tense. So I tried to allow myself to relax fully.
I didn’t sleep too badly last night. It’s possibly one of the first nights I’ve slept ok since the week before dad died. I’m still not registering that he’s dead. That’s he’s gone. That he’s not there anymore. I know that a lot of the time at the minute I’m pretty delusional and my thoughts and thinking are all over the place. I can’t control it though. I also fear that if I did try to control it I might break even more because of being forceful. I don’t think I know how to handle any of this so I’m just trying to ride it out. It’s all I can do. I’m not even sure I’m doing that.
It’s hard for me to Work out what is the grief and what is my mind and it’s workings. I can’t tell the difference. I fear breaking too. All of my lines are fuzzy and I can’t explain anything to anyone. It’s almost like I feel like an empty shell. I can feel like that without grief though. I’ve just realised I’m tense this morning writing this. I’m never sure if putting all this down helps or hinders me. Do I dwell upon it or is it a release? I really don’t know. I used to think I was starting to get a good grasp on things. I’m not so sure now. I’m not sure I know anything anymore.