I realised on my way home tonight that I couldn’t remember anything about the drive up until that point. I’ve been on autopilot a good amount lately. I think my level ness is tailing off. I’m not sure if it’s the start of depression or if it’s something else. Anyway I’ve noticed some changes. Subtle ones. Today at work I realised I had a murderous thought when I found a small knife. It was a very fleeting thought but it was there. A nasty thought. Brief but nasty. Horror. Life is a horror at times isn’t it. It is. My head is tiring me out. I’m shattered. I had so much I thought to write it its all spaghetti in my head now. I’m not even sure it’s still in there. Wherever there is.
Life is slipping away from me I fear. I need to make plans. I need to keep seeing things through and not give up and let go. Pressure inside my brain. It’s there. My head hurts. Physical pain. Ears ringing. Tiredness. A merry-go-round that’s not merry.
It’s the time of year for dark deathly dreams. Strange thoughts and death. I’m fearing winter now, something I never used to do. In fact I used to always love winter. Maybe I should try again. Maybe I need to be all aware and change my thoughts. It tried today. It worked briefly. Then it slipped into autopilot again. I think I’m getting fat. I need to exercise. My body isn’t so good anymore. To think that I had gained muscle earlier this year and was doing so well. Hmmmm. I need to keep myself going and to find inner strength and motivation. Death looms. The year is dying. Death.
The precipice. I’m standing on the precipice. The abyss looms. Do I cross it? Do I cross over? Do I seek what is there?