Facing the fact I’m not coping

I have to face up to the fact that I’ve been high or mixed for at least two months now. I’ve rapid cycled lately lots too. A friend made a point of telling me to stop posting on Facebook because of the rapid cycling. She understands it only too well herself. Ivebeen over working and too wired. I have been way out of my normal sleep patterns. Way way out. The latest I have To bed was 5:50am and I didn’t go straight to sleep. I keep telling myself I need to go back to the doctors but put it off through either getting on. High gain or paranoia. I have been physically unwell and should of gone for that too. Lately I’ve been having very dark destructive thoughts and have been fighting my way out so hard. I have to face the fact that I am a twat and at times not a very nice person at all.  In all honesty I couldn’t live with myself if I were someone else. I know I couldn’t. That’s hard to admit. I have had too much paranoia lately and some strange psychosis too. Most has passed but I feel like shutting down and going into self retreat. I don’t know what mood I will be in tomorrow. I don’t post on here enough. Yet another thing that slips by. At the minute I can’t read or meditate and I’ve been like this for a few months. I have no interest in anything much really. I seem to lack motivation and direction too. I sincerely hope they come back and soon. I am shattered. Worn out.  And tired. Tired of everything and all of life’s constant battles. I have no close friends. I have nobody I can talk to properly either. My walls are built high and my mask is almost fully glued on. My life isn’t real any more. I just exist or at least I think that’s what it is. I feel no emotion any more.  

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