Where do I start. What can I say. Often what I write down in here is still not fully me or fully open. My mind can be a very dark place. I struggle more than I ever tell most people. I keep people away or push them away. I’m lonely. I have too many fears in life now and they grow. Often I punish myself mentally for how I am. The hole gets deeper. I don’t care for all the new year new me bullshit. I change when I’m ready to change. If I am to talk about calendar years then last year, like most lately, I’m glad to see the back of for the most part. I am still struggling to deal with my mums death from a few years ago and now also my dads death from last year. The pain is too close and I don’t wear it well. I have been physically unwell the last weekend mentally unwell for a long while even though I thought I was level.
Looking back I have been really rapid cycling. I am still unable to read or mediate very much. My head is constantly in a state of turmoil and yesterday I was scared shitless when a friend went off radar for a few hours. The last contact I had with her was when she told me how lonely she was. I thought the worst. I thought she had taken her life. She has tried before a few times. I was scared she had. I’ve not met her physically yet but I have a lot of respect for her. She was there when I was at my lowest and she talked me through some very dark suicidal feelings. More than suicidal feeling if I’m honest. Somehow she managed to message me as I was about to get a rope out and hang myself. It’s not the first time I’ve come close to either hanging myself or stepping in front of a lorry. Several times I’ve stopped my van at a cross roads and waited for a lorry only to not get out and walk out because I would hate to do it to the driver. Luckily for me my friend had gone out and forgotten her phone. She was out for most of the day. Anyway I know I’m a serious fuck up in lots of ways but in others I am a pretty ok person. Life goes on regardless of who is alive or dead.