it’s Saturday night already and I have been having some thoughts. Where to start. Hmmmm. Earlier today I caught my thoughts as I was at work and they were quite dark thoughts. Thoughts or fantsaies of hurting others both psychologically and physically too. They were pretty dark and quite hard to get rid of too.
I finished work about12:30 then also looked at a small job and came home. I started reading and needed to nap. So I slept for a short while which is always good. I woke feeling a lot better and started reading again. It’s funny that I needed to sleep because I had about 10 hours last night. Anyway I needed it and it helped. We went out to eat tonight and afterwards we went to buy some ice cream in a supermarket. While there we bought a couple of films ‘Everest’ and ‘Lucy’ and watching Everest it reminded me of a year or two ago when I decided I would and could find a way to climb it. Obviously it hasn’t happened but I researched a hell of a lot about climbing and about climbing Everest itself. Maybe that’s also a delusion that I had in the past but I know if I had the money to pay the climbing fees and to take the time off work plus put in the training then physically and mentally I could. Does that mean it was a delusion or just that I could if I found a way todo so? Hmmm.
Anyway I have just watched ‘Lucy’ and I bought it because it’s about someone accessing 100% of their minds capacity. I loved ‘Limitless’ because it was about accessing the mind quite fully too. It’s got me thinking about my own intelligence and how I use brain training at times but also how I read a lot and can gain a certain amount of insight into countless things because I obsess and also if I’m high I can take onboard vast amounts of information. Years ago I had a nickname that I never liked which was ‘knowledge’. It was used by others detrimentally and I guess even back then I knew things. It’s also got me to thinking about my own mind but also the bipolar mind too. Most see it a s a curse but I try to see it as a blessing mostly when I can. At the minute it’s a bit of both but I am gaining full awareness over myself again at times. Fingers crossed it will continue. I’m certainly back reading lots again about permaculture and also a bit about quantum physics too, although less about that at the minute. This has all made me realise that I have tried to increase my brains capacity for usage and I know I have tried to ‘rewire’ my brain and mind while in meditative states.
Ah that reminds me I have been able to meditate again a few times this past week which is always good. I say it’s good because meditating makes me much more aware of the sled and the moment but also by being aware it helps calm my mind down quite a bit. I am still also off Facebook. It really can be a brain drain and very addictive too. I most certainly get addicted to it and a break won’t do any harm at all. When I am on there I am still not on any bipolar or mental health groups as I know they tend to pull me in and down and often I get too caught up in others and their doings. So I avoid those groups and I a avoiding Facebook. I just need to get back to increasing my intelligence and also my understanding of self and universe. I must look into Jungian psychology a bit deeper again too. Maybe I will analsie the psychiatrist while they analsie me. One can tell a lot about a person by the questions they ask. Often a question from one person answers things for another. Interesting. Hmmmm.
Anyway back to rewiring my brain and increasing capacity along with more reading and meditation. I really ought to get back working out or at the least skipping and using the punch bag. Drumming is very good for my mind and my body but more physical working will help even more. I feel I am almost back to a certain kind of level now too.