I woke up this morning with anxiety or anxiety woke me more likely. I’ve. Little bit of a headache too. I’m not too sure what the anxiety is about fully but it’s mostly work based. At times like this I wonder how much longer I can cope with working. I know working kind of keeps me going but at the same time it’s a huge part of some of the issues I face in life too. I try to remember how much I enjoy work when I feel like this and work really is my social life. I never socialise other than work and I think that suits me fine. What does concern me though is if I’m not feeling fully in the right place my head wanders when I’m at work and I often wonder if I’m doing the job to my best ability. Mostly I am.
I can’t remember if I wrote in here yesterday or not. Oh well. It is what it is. The headache kind of blinds me a bit I guess.
Yesterday we had lunch at my mother in laws and my father in law made a point of saying what a difference I’ve made to their family. It was very kind of him but I felt really embarrassed and very edgy about it. I personally feel like I’m a fuck up and it’s just he doesn’t know what a fuck up I am. I feel like the world could crumble down around my ears at any time and it wouldn’t surprise me. I guess they all just see the mask I wear. It’s quite funny really because I have chatted privately with my sister in law who has her own mental health issues and she knows where I’m at. It’s funny because they see her a s a little bit out there or maybe ‘off her trolley’ but she’s probably as stable or maybe more stable than I am. Maybe she’s just wearing her mask really well too. Anyway lunch wasn’t stressful for me yesterday and I’m glad I went. It was my younger stepdaughters birthday last week so that’s why we all had lunch.
While out for lunch a friend of mine messaged me to ask if she could call me because she thought she could be going manic. I went out to our car and called her. She was in a bit of a state but I managed to talk some sense into her and hopefully claimed her down a bit. It was the first time she has ever messaged to ask if she can call so I was a bit concerned. I’ll check in with her later today and see how she is doing. She did message last night to thank me for listening to here and said that nobody usually listens to her. I won’t go into detail here as to what her situation was but she was very worried and scared that she had done something and didn’t know she had.
I’m now drinking a big cup of tea. What a tonic tea can be. I think I need to drink more fluids again.