It’s a ride and I can’t get off

I’m on a ride and I can’t get off.  Even though I want to get off I can’t.  I need to work even more to earn even more money. I’m tired. It’s not even a normal ride.  It’s a roller coaster and Even though I am an adrenaline junkie I don’t like roller coasters. I’ve been too snappy lately and far too weak and weak minded.  I’m  indecisive over too many things lately too. I need a holiday.  I need a holiday from everything.  Most of all I need a holiday from myself.

There’s death everywhere. Last week a friends partner died. She was in her thirties. Yesterday we went for a walk on the marshes and saw one of my dad’s old friends on the way back with his granddaughter who is almost 6. She chatted to us and told us that she had some bad news.  Her mum had died on Saturday.  I felt like giving her a big hug and saying everything will be ok but I dint give her a hug and everything won’t be ok.  Life is cruel like that. Very cruel. That’s 2 little girls I know of who in the last week have lost their mums.  What a cruel world.  

  I want to curl up in a corner somewhere and disappear into nothingness.  I’m tired.  Feeling like this reminds me of a reoccurring dream I sometimes have of being in a local churchyard and as I walk down the graveyard I walk into the earth deeper with each step.

   I think I’ve been punished in this life for even small mistakes. I say have been.  I mean I am being.

 Everyone wants a piece of my when I’m really high and busy and getting things done. My ears are ringing. My throat feels dry and sore again. My body is warm.  All of the signs are there yet again. Where am I headed this time.  Maybe in an hour or two I’ll be ok again. 

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