I can’t remember when I last posted. I promised myself that I should keep posting regardless. I guess ive lacked get up and go. Ive lacked inspiration. My mojo has been stolen. Ive struggled. Yesterday I didn’t work. This morning I only worked briefly. Ive got loads I could and should be doing but ive not got the inspiration for it. I need a high. I know what I’m kind of doing subconsciously I think. I think I’m building up stress so that I HAVE to pull my finger out. The last 2-3 days ive had an upset stomach too. Ive not taken vitamin d for several days either. Lacking mojo.
Ah yes my last post was about struggling. Ive been doing that alright. Struggling that is. I need summer. I need to be high. I need to be doing 10-12 hour days and growing food. I need to be passionate and inspired. I need to stop panicking if my wife has been drinking wine. To stop overthinking that she’s cross if she’s had a drink. There’s so much I need to change. It’s crazy. I’m crazy. I’m in bed again. How can I inspire myself? I tried by setting some goals but it’s not working. Ive tried to be inspired by earning money but it’s not helping. Money doesn’t make me happy. I’m scared that I lack interest in work. How much longer can I work? I need to change to something inspiring. Maybe I should become a counsellor. Ive thought it often enough. Or study particle physics. I’m intelligent and find it hard to work out if I really could do these things or if I’m delusional yet again. I also know I can do anything if I put my kind to it. I’m obsessing about aliens and ufo.’so at the minute. I need a holiday. I need escape. I need help. But what help? Fuck. I don’t know. I’m back on facebook and also back on the bipolar group on there. It’s crazy. I go around and around in circles. Every year is the same. Will it be like this until I’m dead? Just work, craziness and debt. I have too much debt and not enough joy now. Fuck. I need to get inspired and clear my debts. Ive close to £3000 on the credit card plus an over draft. Fuck. Shit. Am I ever in control?