Life and meds

I’m part way through week 2 of 200mg per day of Lamotrigine. I’m not sure if it’s for me or not. I’m not sure if I’m better off on Meds or not. Tonight has been very tricky. It’s been building up I guess. I’m not sure I’m level and I not sure I like level anyway. Really what is level? Maybe I’m not so ill anyway. Maybe I don’t  even have bipolar. Maybe I just lay things on too much and I should just relax more and things will be ok. Who knows. Maybe it’s just life has beaten me down a fair bit. I don’t know fully. Anyway I’ve had racing thoughts tonight. I’ve realised they’ve been building up for a while now too and I’m agitated too.  

I had a Meds review kind of chat with the doctor yesterday. Well it was to discuss Meds. I have to go back in about 6-8 weeks again for another chat.  I don’t think they know much really other than what they’ve read or listened to from others. I don’t think they know how it feels. Hmmmm.  Maybe this really is just my universe and I just have to realise it. Secretly I know it is but mustn’t tell anyone or the game will be up. There’s a secret doorway through. I know others are part of the game, the illusion of it all.  They say paranoia is bad but actually I think it’s heightened instincts. 

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