The older I get the more I realise that I am unwell and that stress triggers it. i try to avoid the stress as much as possible but I don’t think it fully works. It’s all a circle and I go around and around. Each year I get high and low around the same times and I have noticed the patterns of how work gets busier at certain times and how I can be high then and take more on. I take more on so that I can earn more to try to get ahead but then I become mentally unwell and any headway I makes swallowed up. I want it all to stop and end. It’s too much. Everything is too much. Yet again I’m at the stage of wanting to run away and hide. Yet again I’ve got debts and anxiety caused by them. Yet again I have tried hard to get ahead. I can’t see where it ends anymore. It’s endless circles. Everyone says how well I cope and so on but inside it’s a different story. People take me for a fool but I see there scheming ways. I see what they do and why. I see how people think I’m foolish and think I don’t see. I know some of it is paranoia but I also see that it’s beyond that. I see that the paranoia is actually heightened awareness and that I’m highly tuned in. Either way I’m punished. I’m not fully sure yet what or who does the punishing but I will figure it out and overcome it. Everywhere I turn people try to control things. They try to control others. It’s an endless world of stacked pyramids of false control over others. I see it. I just need to see the top layer and the top of that top layer then I an cut it down and bring real change to this world.
Work stress’ me. I need to control it better or who knows what will happen. Who knows indeed.