Getting unwell or unwell. Paranoia

I’ve been getting unwell and am unwell. I’ve been stuck in a mixed episode over the weekend or before and I’m agitated and can’t switch off.  I don’t want to go to work.  I have no choice. I have no money. Luckily I grow food or we wouldn’t have much to eat.  It’s all famine and feast.  I’m stressing myself over the coming winter.  Our boiler isn’t working and I can’t face doing anything about it yet.  I either dreamt or had a premonition that my MH team are reading this blog and monitoring me.  Maybe they are I don’t know. They acted on it? On what though? Something isn’t right because my wife went off on a bit of a giddy one Saturday for a short while.  I’ve been so up myself lately.  Overthinking even the stupidest of things and maybe there’s something going on with our water or air? Anyway I can’t focus on all this too much or work.  I’m sleeping a lot less. I’m down to about 6 hours or less per night at the minute and am always a good for 8 hours.  I need to switch off.  Time is going so fast. I’m nearly42. So much to do in my life but I think I’m just too scared and find too many excuses not to do things.  What is safety? We’re not safe ever.  My concentration is way out there. Why do others want to understand me or try to understand.  I’ll break. I know I will.  I’m breaking already.  How can I be so fucking breakable.  I’m supposed to be strong. I’m pathetic now. It’s stupid and shit.  Something is being done to me it must be.  Others getting their claws in.   I should socialise but people are dumb.  It’s all stupid tv and crap and all that hiding from what’s really going on.  Brain numbing crap.  

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