Oh so it’s head is raised

I’ve had a week of dodgy dreams and a tricky mood.  Luckily it’s been mild,  mild compared to before, and is hopefully passing now.  Last night I pretty much slept through until about 5am and then slept again until 5:45.   It’s been shit.  I’ve had suicide ideation again which I coped with.  I’ve had rage and anger inside.  I’ve been stressed about things that shouldn’t stres me.  The biggest single issue that’s getting me down is money and cash flow.  I’m charging more again now for my time at work but as usual I’m trying to get a big job finished for the final payment and lots of small call out jobs have come along.  It’s a catch 22.  Money is stupidly tight at the minute and often we don’t have much food to eat. Thank fuck I grow food or I don’t know how we’d be coping! I’m still harvesting some of last years veg.  There’s still fresh beetroot, parsnips, leeks and chard in at the allotments thankfully.  I’m so pleased that I had my gallbladder out because it fucked my year up last year.  I was constantly more tired with more niggling pain as the year went on.  I can now move forwards.  What’s caused financial issues though, and the mental issues too, was having the first operation cancelled at the last minute.  It meant I only worked maybe 6 weeks in the last 3 months of 2018.  We had no savings to rely on as usual.  I’m determined to get ahead this year.  I’ve been working Saturdays until lunchtime or just after and have even had a few Sunday emergency jobs I fitted in.  One was only an hour but it’s amazing how it affects the mindset for the following week. It’s a rolling snowball coming down the hill.  Then with broken sleep it’s gotten exasperated.  I feel much fresher today for having slept well.  

  Today  is another day and is Kara’s birthday.  Luckily I’ve got a spare £20 so we can go get chips tonight as a treat.  We’ll have some cake too.  W ever twinky won’t get fat as we’re all very trim.  One good thing about not stuffing our faces.  Fynn and I are back working out and now on week 3 or 4.  I’m building some muscle again but dropping body fat and dropping some weight.  I can almost see my abs properly again.  That’s also had a small part in my sleep and mental health too.  The working out hard and drop in calories.  I can kind of get what it’d be like if I decided to get ripped and enter a bodybuilding competition when I’ve put some decent size back on.  Maybe I should do one.  I always wanted to.  Fuck knows haha.  

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