Yet again I’m having to think through my life and yet again reassess everything. How far have I come and how far can I go? Have I got a grip on how bipolar affects me or do I trick myself? So many things come up. I remember the very first time I went to see a doctor about my mental health, she didn’t take me very seriously, and she told me it was “possibly cyclothymia. You wouldn’t want bipolar as the drugs are horrible” etc etc and how she explained how much worse it is than cyclothymia. I kind of felt relieved but over time I got scared when reading up on things. I read that cyclothymia can progress into bipolar. It scared me to think what I was going through could end up much much worse. After seeing another doctor at a much later date, having reached breaking point again, and getting referred to mh services on a kind of emergency “need to be seen within a week” appointment and seeing a cpn and then a few weeks later seeing a psychiatrist and getting a diagnosis of bipolar 1 I walked out and laughed. I was very mentally unwell but the laughter was relief. I knew straight away that the mental pain, anguish and torture weren’t going to get worse. It was bipolar not cyclothymia. I felt huge relief in being told that. So here I am again contemplating so much about my life and living with what is termed a serious mental illness. I still want to break the barriers down. I’m now thinking I’ll keep as I am, for now, instead of upping the meds again and work through it and not just ride it out. There’s so much I can learn about myself even from the huge rage I have inside. Masking it over will never help me. It will still be there. Only in working with and through it will I understand myself even more. I need to work towards the ‘not giving a fuck’ lifestyle I’ve tried to reach for so long and which a friend told me only the other day to live like. Cheers CP. I’m going to once again embrace the madness and face it fully.
